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I Left a Note

I left a note before I was gone.
I want to dance with you upon hilly grass tops.
I want to have a picnic and kiss beneath the full moon.
I want to read together one of my books.
I left a note before I was gone.
What dreams I had

I want to rent a boat and sail across a quiet lake.
The sand beneath my feet is all I want to feel as we search for sand dollars.
Talks between us as we drink tea at midnight.
Gathering with families during the holidays and nippy cold air.
I want to walk our dog around the park.
Watch our kids play on the swing set we built for them.
Get drunk together and fall asleep in each other’s arms.
Watch ourselves as we climb the corporate ladder of work.
Our child’s hand print in paint to treasure forever.
The day one of us has to care for the other who lies sick on the couch.
Grieving together.
All I wanted is in the note
I now swing back and forth from the noose.
I left a note before I was gone

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • XXxFAKExXx
    November 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I'm impressed.
    Good work

  • a n e s t h e s ia
    November 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I won't say any more about the repitition but overall very effective.


  • Lady-Pegasus
    November 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    I do like

    the ending and the overall effect but that first stanza needs either serious refining or removed altogether. The dream repeats are distracting and detract from this piece, IMHO!


  • Pandorea
    November 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    holy shit.

    that's good. i was a bit "ho-hum" but then it got to the las three lines which really hit home.

    like whoa.

    BUT the beginning was a bit flat. i thinkth e repetition of "What a dream" was a bit too much, but allt he "i left a note" repetition was great.

    this will be a truly awesome poem with a bit of editing.

    nice work.


  • spirit rising
    November 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i really like thos poem, i got quite engrossed in the images as i read each line, im just not sure of the ending from..all i wanted is in the note, those last three lines are hte only ones im not conecting with although they are still vivid.


  • still.she.waits
    November 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    im not sure how to interpret this.
    i like the images of what you want to do with this person, and then the effect of i left a note before i was gone..
    ive got a poem entitled to you, and reading this kind of feels like that, but harder to interpret..
    confusing i know.. i apologize

    -andi

1 - 6 of 6