Lying on her back as her lover climbs across her,
the woman of the clouds watches the stars;
Eyes wide, head tilted back to see the night,
her chill breaths create more of the man before her,
The kisses he spreads across her neck; pure vanity,
and a battle against the winds that tear them apart.
The cycles of weather that slowly erode;
she's already been distorted; broken
stretching limbs, losing her will to remain;
Though as the sky above continues to inspire,
she knows she must end her life in this form.
Her body stretches further, trying to hold on,
though she knows she has lost all control.
She remains a woman; beautiful, majestic;
only in the eyes of the dreamer below her,
who witnessed her struggle, and fights to find her again.
In the sloping, graceful lines of fog
cloud woman finds a shapeless rest;
Waiting to become again.
Author notes
*POY Contest*
Theme: the life and death of the shapes in the clouds
I saw this amazing cloud formation, and had to give it a place in poetry.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Year - POY - by Bear by Arkbear.
12500 points, ended January 1, 41 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I agree with crickejeff's comment on this poem and as a judge I'm recommending this as a finalist. Well done!
Love,
Amera♥
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I like this a lot, a few slips with capping first letters of lines that aren't sentences, either cap them all or cap as per the rules of English, personally I cap for formal poetry and not for FV.
Your use of English is stunning, descriptive powers are amongst the best I have seen. Great stuff all round.
Theme is one that every five year old makes into poetry and then "proper poets" forget all about, Wordsworth would have done it in rhyme and meter, but not better than you.
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Hello, and welcome to the POY!
I love this poem, but like Bear, I have a few questions as to some of the grammatical errors. While minor, I still found that first one about "chill breaths" too big of a hole to get past. You will, however, receive bonus points for theme, as this is a subject not often written about, and your use of the English language is pretty spectacular.
Good luck!
Laura
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I still don't quite understand the problem there is with the "chill breaths", but thank you for your comment and your time.
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I agree chill breaths reads perfectly to me
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Hello ~
Her *chill* breaths??
Why are you CAPPING *AND a battle*?
OK....I am impressed here....at first I thought it was physical human beingswatching the skies....and then I finally caught on that the clouds were doing the thinking.....the wondering....the love-making ~
Now THIS is Creative!
You have used a wondeful Poetic Tone throughout.....you have managed to write a poem whch I will remember long after closing the page to this write...lasting impression is crucial in a contest with so many entries..
.....very nice job and god luck!
Bear ~
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Hi there and welcome to the POY I have seen many writes like this before so it is no that unique to me but non the less it is a lovely piece with nice images remember no editing once a judge has touched your work.
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I really got this it is a good poem and really makes sense to me this is a very good writs the tone is great I lived how it ends
~GOOD LUCK~
*Mystal* -
Aloha and Welcome to POY!
Lovely words, and unique theme! Kudos on both...
I would however, leave out a lot of the filler words...
ie: Lying on her back as her lover climbs across her,
the woman of the clouds watches the stars;
Eyes wide, head tilted back to see the night,
her chill breaths create more of the man before her,
HOW ABOUT: Lying on her back as her lover climbs across ,
woman of the clouds watches the stars;
Eyes wide, head tilted back to see the night,
chill breaths create more of the man,
Just puts a bit more of a poetic tone to the write...
there are several places where you can do this...and
still get the imagery ....
Remember...I am only one judge of many...and this is only MY opinion!
Thanks so much for your entry! Best wishes in the contest.
Write on!
REMEMBER: NO editing once a judge has commented!
My scores will appear in final notes…
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I like where you got the inspiration from, and I can't believe there is no comments on this one.
I think it's interesting how you named it, Reincarnate, because I am a firm believer in reincarnation, so I liked how you named this.
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She remains a woman; beautiful, majestic;
only in the eyes of the dreamer below her,
who witnessed her struggle, and fights to find her again.
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You know the sky kind of reminds me of a coin, it has been through many pockets so you always have to wonder where that money has been before you, well just like money, the sky has been around for years, so I am sure the sky has been a witness though many things, the good, and the bad.... so the sky could be a written history book in itself
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