In the parking lot of cellular field
amidst the fog of sox jerseys
I saw her
Object of every desire--
mostly lust
She caused a wave
of open hands
and red cheeks
and whispers flowed
between her tanned thighs
She walked holding hands
with the ugliest
yet luckiest
son of a bitch
and as I later used the urinal
beside him
I glanced his charm
and damned my mother
for her lies
Author notes
*POW Contest*
This piece is about finding out how some not so attractive men can get very attractive women
A contest entry
- - Poem of the Week - by Bear - by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended November 10, 2008, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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i'm at the university and people are looking at me funny cause i LOL love it!!!
hebe -
lol...shame on you! I love the irony here and the humor. Congrats on your gold! Love, Lane
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"i glanced his charm
and damned my mother
for her lies"
oh god! i'm loving this! too funny. i like everything about this piece - the language feels casual/ natural (and intentional), the subject is creative - not the same old same old, and i love the humor. great write!! - NANGALEEMA
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Also capitalize your title, "Ugly Guy, Beautiful Girl" it makes the poem seem more alive.
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Hello and welcome to the POW series!
Big no no here to begin with is...
i >>> should be I aka capitalized as it is a direct proper noun and stands on it own so it must be capitalized.Although I loved the contents of a poem a rather judgmental subject but you have done it in a very original own style sorta way. which as a judge I always like to see.
'i seen her" sounds very awkward you should change that to
I saw her" see it flows better already. Also you may want to think of capitalizing some of your lines and putting in commas or full stops like.
" in the parking lot of cellular field
amidst the fog of sox jerseys
I seen her.
Object of every desire--
mostly lust.She caused a wave,
of open handsand red cheeks.
Whispers begin to flow,between her tanned thighs.
She walked holding hands,
with the ugliest ,
yet luckiest-
son of a bitch around.
As I later used the urinal,
beside him,
I glanced his charm
and cursed my mother;
for all her lies"See the changes I made I added commas, full stops and semi colons where there was a pause or when the thought being voiced continued onto another line. Also I took out one or two UN-necessary ands.
this was a very strong piece, not very good punctuation wise but very well penned otherwise. lots of good energies around this!
No editing once a judge has touched your work!
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~ kitty xxxx
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Rich, rich, richly penned ~
Wow......this was unexpected, and I am NOT a fan of slang language......but you are the Poet, and I have to appreciate & respect that ~
I do not mind your ee cummings format....I use it quite often myself ~
I agree with Neon.....* I saw *
You spoke of a Theme which has been over-looked in the past 94 ( 93? ) PO' Contests.......well-done!
You also managed to bring me INTO your write.....something lacking of Poets on AP lately.....however, most of whom I DO read, are quite capable of leaving me in awe of their work.....I hope to add you as a Fav. after this review, if you don't mind
To be able to MAKE me draw near to your Poetic Voice, is indeed a challenge.....you have caught my attention here and allowed me to see past lacking punc.'s & format of uncommon style.......there is nothing more for me to critique here.....I believe this shall do very well on my scoreboard......thank you for coming out to support this POW Contest.....good luck & God bless you,
Bear ~
PS....I enjoyed the ride.....the bathroom was da bomb
Title 10...loved it.....had me pondering....I knew I was in for a treat....good job -
Flow 9.65....not bad.....-
Depth 9.8..enough depth to grab me and not let me go ....very nice -
Theme 9.95...Nicely chosen -
Feelings 9.1....I was engaged in your personification and subject, but more POWER would have raised this score a tad -
Grammar 9.6....strong in influence and pull -
Presentation 9.65...creativity is not forbidden here...keep it up!-
Uncommonness 9.9...unique! -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.75...I did ponder.....had a smile at the end
-Ability to follow Rules 10! -
Bears Score: 97.4
Best score from me for this POW Contest
Please, no editing once a Judge has touched your work, or until after contest closes ~
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Hello, and welcome to the POW
Great story, well told! Love the 'ah-ha' moment at the closing.
I'm not a fan of this ' e e cummings' form of presentation,
but I will work around it.
Lack of punctuation usually hampers a write, but this one seems to have overcome that.
Grammatically, I cringed at "I seen her"...The correct term is "I saw her". Were you writing a short story, with conversation, the vernacular would work..but it is just a jolt to the eye in a poem.
One of my favorite entries in this contest. Well done.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest.
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented. -
Wow....I guess those kinda things matter to some chic huh? LoL....well I'm more for their thoughts, their feelings, their personality, and mostly their ability to write great poetry Loved it DJ
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You just have a talent of making me laugh out loud! You can state the most outspoken things while making them seem so apt and totally normal.
As for the conclusion to your piece, I feel he must have some money too, or he wont be keeping that one.
Blue~
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well penned! and a nice point of view, and true many times, I too wonder like you, in both cases, if the guy is too good for a woman and vice versa, but I guess its just the chemistry? I have seen a lot of pretty women going around with men just like you say in your write and I dont know how it happens!
One thing about your writes is that you capture the readers interest, all your writes I have read so far are great from start to finish, mostly with powerful ending.
Great job again!
Love and light,
Lencio
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"and damned my mother for her lies" ... i laughed right aloud ... this was great! good luck in the contest!
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LOL I like very much! Good luck in the contest. God Bless, Jo-Ann
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Hey that is so true, for other people, that will never be me though. lol
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u ignant
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I'm being real. If I can't even look you in the face, there's a problem. I don't care how good you may be. lol What if they want to have kids. They have to be with someone who would be willing. I'm just saying I'm not the one. lol
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