As another leaf flew by,
each yard more definitive than the last;
I stood alone
with no one but reality
as the flowers of our garden died one by one,
and the finality of the last bird's song echoed
so clear.
At last I've learned
to repair my blindness.
By opening my mind,
my eyes cautiously mimicked
to see the colors, the seasons.
Oh how they come and go;
changing as they leave
just as when they came.
The thing is you must never
soften at their calmness
or weaken at their beauty,
for the illusion is yours
to undoubtedly believe in.
Don't take it all in;
don't marvel at the serenity
'cause with the falling of a leaf
seasons of meaning can mean nothing.
You can feel the texture transform
within your very hands;
everything is plastic.
A contest entry
- Best Writes Since 1st November 2008! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
700 points, ended November 15, 2008, 64 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - We Are Walking In Cracked Sunshine and Fractured Memories {Prewrites!!} by rainbows..
800 points, ended July 8, 223 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
The background makes this very hard(and hurtful) to read. But the poem is very beautiful. Thank-you for entering this piece into my contest.
-
I really liked the line "I've learned to repair my blindness by opening my mind" nice job. but the background is so bright I need sunglasses. It really took my eyes a little while to adjust after reading it.
-
No words can describe it
This poem is just simply amazing. It stands out to me as a great work and it seems like you have an amazing talent.
-
Some beautiful naturally charm.
Brings me to a smile. -
interesting poem,I like the depth, I think you do a good job relating a kind of stoic beauty.which makes it kind of unusual, I think, more cerebral.good job
-
Outstanding
I liked how you expressed your ideas in the poem looking at the way the seasons change and linking this to your thoughts and feelings:
At last I've learned
to repair my blindness.
By opening my mind,
This is a thoughtful poem with some depth to it. The imagery was strong as well. I loved the last line in the first stanza. I couldn't find any faults with this poem. Best of luck in the contest.
-
So much passion there and intensity.
I really feel that your intention is to let out how you simply feel about the cruelty of realty.
Mixing it with nature and impersonating it with leaves, very creative and touching.
Your poem is very sensual “the finality of the last bird’s song echoed”.
a full stop would be convenient there and “finality” feels too formal.
“repairing my blindness” you mentioned that you still feel that something’s missing after editing your poem. Try to incorporate how you feel in words that are illustrative and touching, that would serve reality’s harshness. More zeal, more power in your wording would raise the scale and empower your poem as a whole.
Try to be a bit more expressive…“repaired your blindness” what was so divine and inspirational that gave you back the gift of sight?
“The thing is
You must never let one, (am not sure that you can refer to seasons with “one” sounds a bit
Any one of them” out of place”
Get the best of you.”
…I guess here I feel some confusion and that your trying to send a message across except that its too plain in oppose to the rest of your poem scheme.
Am in love with your last stanza, well expressed in a heartfelt intriguing manner.
“You can feel the texture change” .. I suggest you change the word “ change” to a powerful word. Perhaps… “ You can feel a forlorn texture”
Hmmm, just some personal thoughts, hope this helps in any way.
If you still feel confused, am here to help as much as my instincts guide me!
-
A touching write! You have a very passionate way of writing!
I would have to disagree with Lindaburns on the reality line. I like the idea of impersonating reality. But I think "with no one but reality" sounds better than "with no one but the reality".
I also get a little bit confused about where a new sentence begins. I think you should use "." and ",". And also not starting every line with a capital letter, it is very confusing.
Suggestion for first stanza:
"As another leaf flew by;
each yard more definitive than the last.
I stood alone,
with no one but reality.
It created piece by piece,
as the flowers of our garden, died one by one.
The finality of the last bird's song echoed.
So clear."
Maybe it's just me, but "It created piece by piece" sounds kind of awkward. You might wanna try changing "piece by piece" with something else.
The same thing goes for the "died one by one", what about "the flowers of our garden, were dominoes of death"
or something like that.
And remember! These are only my personal suggestions it doesn't mean I'm "right" in any way.
Last I must say you have an awesome way of writing, keep it up!
-
Hi. I’m with Critical Reviewers Two and I’ve come to look at your poem. According to my word processor, you have no misspellings. Are you sure “ ; “ is what you need to use at the end of the first two lines I ‘m not remembering the rule just now. You might want to say “nothing but the reality” rather than “no one but the reality”. I suggest you question yourself about where your thought end and put a period there rather than letting it run on into the next sentence. That will make it easier for we who read to understand what you are saying. I don’t think you are going to need a lot of editing.
-
I really need help on this one. I made it, edited it but still believe it needs something. I just don't know what.
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
