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Drift in Winter's Eyes

"Drift in Winter's eyes"
The steady black crow cries
"Take your leave!
No good will it achieve.

Your mission is a daunting task
It is better not to ask
For the answers you do seek
Are buried like the frozen creek

The death of so long ago
You are required to forego
For she is gone and you are here
Even though you do fear

Drift away drift away
For no longer may you stay
Leave now this bloody bank
Or winter's eyes will play a prank

Dig not up the shallow grave
It is time now to behave
Go back from whence you came
And leave your deadest dame"

With that the black bird took the sky
Not waiting for the man to die
For there the man stood both night and day
Until on the snow he did lay

There beside his long dead bride
From his pain he did hide
Until he could finally drift
And give his sweetheart his last gift

Author notes

For contest: Carly/RoseBlossom100, purple, 47, meh!
----R o s e B l o s s o m 1 0 0 "Don't die live life"
ok people please don't compare this to 'The Raven' it wasn't meant to be taken with it at all. In fact I hadn't even read it until people started comparing this to it.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Night Terrors
    April 19

    Edit | Reply
    very dark yet some what sweet I found that odd and appealing all at the sametime.


    The Positives:
    A great poem full of great imagery and a wonderful rhyme.


    The Negatives:

    Nothing that I see great job



    My Favorite Part:
    Dig not up the shallow grave
    It is time now to behave
    Go back from whence you came
    And leave your deadest dame"

    With that the black bird took the sky
    Not waiting for the man to die
    For there the man stood both night and day
    Until on the snow he did lay

    This was great you did such an awesome job

    Overall:

    I give this an 8/10 you did great. I hope to see you in my future contests thanks so much for entering.

    ~*~Apathetic Poison~*~


  • going nowhere
    December 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    nice dark write. i liked the rhyming in this and imagery you use.

  • StarGrrl
    November 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, Great Write! I loved the rhyming. Don't see many people using that style anymore and it is nice. Not sure where the idea came from, but I liked it. The idea of him giving up his life to be with her in the afterlife now rather than later.

    I liked the imagry and the form you took with it. Not sure about the shallow grave though. The whole poem seems to point towards his greif and pain at loosing her, then the shallow grave almost makes it seem as if it was foul play. Maybe rewording? But that is your call.

    Great write! Thank you for sharing!


    • RoseBlossom100
      December 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you. For your information the grave was shallow because the woman was buried in the middle of a journy so they couldn't take much time.


  • The Fun House silver member
    November 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very good imagery and a scarey dark write.
    Quite a scene for a halloween contest. I enjoyed reading. Good luck in the contest.


  • seclusion
    November 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I agree, this poem also reminds me of The Raven. Even the themes are quite similar. Because of these striking similarities, I find that your poem is almost a reiteration of that one. It is good by itself, but when placed against the work by Edgar Allan, it doesn't quite stand up. Perhaps you could fix this by including some of your own imagery. It is nice to have a good source work to rely on for inspiration; however, it is also nice to create new images and sources of inspiration. Overall, I like the image that this poem creates, and I like the feelings that are aroused. Good job.


  • Cannonsfire
    November 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply


  • Dragonmind
    November 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    WoW. The inclusion of the crow reminds me of E.A.P's "The Raven." Pretty intense with mystery, romance. It really dragged me in. Really nice imagery. Good work ^^

1 - 8 of 8