I'm a alone now
I believe,
tangled in my thoughts,
like a spiders web
caught in my mind.
Is my heart still beating?
I cannot feel anything anymore.
What do they say?
My ears are frozen,
still thawing I think.
The pins they pick
break against my skin,
I'm immune now
to their sharp sticks.
What have I become?
This thing lying on the floor,
has to be my soul,
crying in the corner,
a broken butterfly,
struggling to fly away.
Author notes
Bullying is hurtful, and it kills peoples souls, even if others don't see it.
A contest entry
- Enter What Ever You Want (No Erotica) by fairytalelovestory.
923 points, ended January 21, 95 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me hope, tell me about Abuse. by Cyanide Dreams.
1500 points, ended January 25, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your thoughts and feelings... by invisible2u.
600 points, ended February 6, 69 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - round one (for everyone) prewrite contest ENTER ENTER ENTER (AND YES THAT MEAN'S YOU too by serenity silvermoon.
927 points, ended February 16, 1509 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think? How can I improve? What was your least favorite part? Your favorite?
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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An excellent description of emotional pain. Very well written. I like how you frame questions for your reader, such as
Is my heart still beating?
I think most people can relate to this poem and I agree with your author notes as well.
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This is a very good write. Great imagery and great emotion. The questions asked througout the poem are very deep. Bullying is very hurtful and its hard for some to get over. If you were abused I'm sorry and I hope they stop. Good write, and good luc
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i'm so sorry you were bullied. gah, damn those bloody bullies. anyhoo.. i really love this poem, especially the last two lines. it was so wonderful, and it painted such a stunning image in mind. wonderful poem the metaphors used were really great and just WOW. keep writing alright... loved it
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I’m sorry you were bullied. While you words told me a lot they didn’t tell me enough. If I hadn’t read your comment I never would have guessed what had hurt you. I think you have the beginnings of a good poem here, but it needs some refining. Maybe I’m judging this one more harshly because I wrote a butterfly poem and I couldn’t help comparing. I have been bullied in the past and it’s not fun. Thank you for entering.
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not feeling it
~prewrites, come and get them -
awww so sad... I know how you feel i'm this way sometimes there's loads of people around but I still feel lonely... it's like the lyrics from home by westlife
'maybe surrounded by, a million people I
still feel alone'. It's so true.
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Very moving...sad words of truth...truly loved the closing...may your wings mind and you learn to fly again...
Best to you!
mystic
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This is a good write, I like the flow.
Great work.
What have I become?
This thing lying on the floor,
has to be my soul,
crying in the corner,
a broken butterfly,
struggling to fly away.
I love that. -
wow this was very powerful and hit hard. i agree, [though i think everyone should] that bullying is truly hurtful. it NEEDS to be stopped, but i honestly don't see that happening. if there was such a change, something drastic must have happened.
i thought the whole thing was wonderful
my favorite stanzas were the last two, hands down !
i was going to pick this title, but i don't think mine could possibly compare !
best of luck in the contest !
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Thank you for you wonderful comment! I appreciate it.
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