With light in the night and sun in the morning,
living by rule of thumb from beneath or above.
Fire has its heat and the soul its warning,
judged not by how we live but by how we love.
A disheveled soul dreary on a dank summer's eve,
searching remains of his wondering mind.
Tattered and weary though inner light didn't leave
his peace and quiet unable to find.
Over hill, over yonder,
lie the echo of screams.
In his soul he ponders
what life means.
Found lying face down, hands scorched by the sun,
with words heard constantly repeated,
"Dear Father! What have I done?
Where in Heaven will I be seated?".
With light in the night and sun in the morning,
fire has its heat and the soul its warning.
Living by rule of thumb from beneath or above
judged not by how we live but by how we love.
Author notes
Theme: The Word
POW Contest
A contest entry
- - Poem of the Week - by Bear - by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended November 10, 2008, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
GIVE ME YOUR HONEST REACTION
Comments
-
Hello and Welcome to the POW! To start off with.
"Fire has its heat and the soul its warning," its should be it's I think anyway. Also your rhyme scheme seemed really cliche like love, above, ick refrain from that.
apart from that I really liked the poem, it had a hidden wisdom and a really nice flow! great work~
No editing once a judge has touched your work
kitty xxx -
Hello, and welcome to the POW
This write has good lines, but I, in contradiction to Bear,
found the meter to be choppy, which distracts from the message. Also, I found some of the rhyme to be somewhat forced.
IMO, rhyming poetry needs to have a smooth flow and a constant meter in order to be truly impactful and successful.
I was intrigued by how you replayed the first stanza as the last, with a variation of line placement. I thought this a clever use of repeated lines.
I strongly suggest working on your flow. This has good bones, but needs some careful editing.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest.
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented. -
Hello Noah
Lots to ponder here......but....a tad cliche' in Theme, as I have seen this done so many times.....especially here on AP ~
Long L's do hinder the Flow a bit.......for me......however, your meter was almost flawless ~
I do suggest, after contest closes, go back and slow your Reader down with some commas.......it can make or break a Great Flow......and for me, I had to read this more than once to get my brain to slow down ahead of time.....as I could not see in advance.....or, warning with correct punc.'s ~
Not bad though
Repeating L's is sometihng I never recommend, unlesss done in Sonnet ot Vill's, or other various Forms which require you to do so......however, breaking up the *order* of your last 4 L's, did in fact, bring more Lasting Impression to me.....I enjoyed that little movement
Over-all....a good entry.....not as creative as I like to see in the PO' Contests, but borderline intriguing ~
Thank you for coming out to support this POW....good luck and God bless you,
Bear ~
Title 9.25...liked it.....had me guessing -
Flow 9.0....stumbled here & there..use punc.'s accordingly -
Depth 9.8..lots of depth...very nice -
Theme 5.85...over-done -
Feelings 8.7....I was engaged in your personification and subject -
Grammar 9.15....gives a lovely visual -
Presentation 9.15...not a fan of all quatrains.....but your meter was good enough to keep your Tone from going..>>>...Huuuuuuuummmmmmm....instead of....oooOOOOOoooOOOOOOOooo........see the difference? -
Uncommonness 5.7...not unique, but better with fresh approach -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.4...I did ponder -
Ability to follow Rules 10!....watch out for blue Bords.....should be completely white....but I believe we are going to make an exception in future PO's -
Bears Score: 86.0
Not bad.....creativity will bring your scores up
No editing after a Judge has touched your work please ~
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I did find this to be an interesting poem for the contest well written not a theme that I have not seen before but non the less a nice poem good luck in the contest be well
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