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Privy Street...

Behind the curtains on privy street
where the lights turned red
and the men were weak

She'd cut their throats
and gut them there
that satanic host of Delaware

Your calling card, her blood to drink
those erotic wishes

are the last you'd think

 

Once you're in, you'd never leave

except for in the belly

of the dogs she feeds 

 

A cunning fox, a dangerous minx 

is always on the look out

for some nice fresh meat

 

So the next time you wander 

and you lose your way

Remember, Remember, Remember

red curtains have a story to say 

 

 

Author notes

Thanks for the comments everyone, I must admit I am more than happy writing longer tales. But for this comp its was limited. So yes there are many things I can do, and should do once the contest is over. It was just a free write to a nice picture ha'

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • Night Terrors
    April 1

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    hmmm kinda reminds me of the song The Bitch is Back. I really liked this. You have a very clever little tale here. Thanks for entering


  • Luciferschild
    February 23

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    very well written and obviously well thought out, each stanza was written beautifully and creatively. thank you for entering and good luck


  • herrlurch
    January 11

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    As usual with your works, you have to tolerate the thought of people being killed and love the smell of blood... but knowing some of your previous that's ok...
    And yes, I think the metre still needs some work once you revise it (e.g., l. 12-14).
    On the other hand, you're not too explicitly bloodthirsty in this write (which is not too bad here). It sort of stays in the reader's mind quite strongly.


  • Immortal Obscurity gold member
    November 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I have to say, this is one of the better poems of this nature I've read in a long time; you've kept the gore to a minimum, instead leaving it up to the reader's imagination... Great write, and good luck in the contest!

    Laura


  • Pickleweasel
    November 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I also have to add that I think this could be a lot more compelling if you wrote it in present tense. It would make the action more direct.

  • Pickleweasel
    November 20, 2008
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    It starts out strong, but loses momentum as it goes on. Your first two stanzas are great. The imagery is vivid and stark without being overbearing. I love that you use "minx" as well. But when you get past the first two... things start to go down hill. It seems like you had the first part of that stewing in your head for a while before you wrote it so you had a really good idea of how to start it. Your ideas and images throughout are also good, but somewhat weakly formed. The part about the dog's bellies is very interesting, but you could definitely make it moreso. You should make it stand out. It's a totally grotesque, weird, screwed up kind of image, and it's wonderful. The more unique your wording to describe this, the more impact it will have on the reader. Anything you can say in a new and/or surprising way is likely to go over very well. I really like the last stanza. It wraps it up neatly. But I agree with Dissonance before me, "have a story to say" just sounds terrible. It's barely different from saying that they have a story to tell, and it's not worded in a way that's interesting in a good way. I think if you incorporated the curtains into an active role in a previous scene, it could be more connected and interesting. Even something as simple as if she spilled a drop of blood on them, or if you threw in there somewhere that the curtains were the same color as the blood. It might be overkill, but you never know until you try.
    Overall though, I think there's a ton of potential here. Just looks like it needs some more time.

  • montez gold member
    November 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    whoops

    didn't know the 1st 1 had gone - soz.
    R.


  • Timeless Wisdom silver member
    November 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow...a bit violent LOL. This poem flowed VERY nicely and I applaud you for that .

    If I may ask, what set the mood for this poem? it seems so violent...

    ASM
    AKA Raymond

  • dissonancesquared
    November 14, 2008

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    hmmm... "satanic host of Delaware" strikes me... def. puts me in the mind of jack the ripper.

    would look at 3rd and 5th stanzas for issues with flow... and i'm sorry but "story to say" just sounds ugly to me

    overally, brilliant idea. can imagine a psychotic beauty queen in black cloak roaming the streets... jus needs a lil tweaking


  • LunaSilverStars
    November 13, 2008

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    not sure of the layout but i do like the idea, like a murderous lady of the night, or maybe a femme jack the ripper.. gave me chills none the less..


  • GTseng3
    November 12, 2008

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    Very chilling tale, but it seems sort of haphazardly laid out. The one long, two short pattern works, but without any kind of rhyming scheme or meter it just seems disorganized. That works for some poems, but not one like this. It's very, very good, but it could be even better. Go for the gold


  • Harlequin Dance
    November 11, 2008

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    Behind the curtains on privy street
    where the lights turned red
    and the men were weak

    I feel like you could take out the "the" in the last two lines, it flows better that way.

    I think this fits the contest very well. Definitely psychotic, at the very least. The rhythm sounds awkward now and then, try working on that a bit, but overall, it's a good job.


  • apropos
    November 8, 2008

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    this is a bit gruesome for me. the scattered rhyme was a bit off putting too. but still very well written and showing plenty of talent and promise. good luck in the contest.

  • wastedtears01
    November 7, 2008
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    this is great, haha. not only is it dark and eerie but it's rather cunning...


  • still.she.waits
    November 7, 2008

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    ooh. i love how twisted and dark this is. even though this is dark, as a woman this is kind of empowering to me. (yes i know im weird, my family has told me many a christmas)

    good luck in the contest


  • rollingzen
    November 7, 2008
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    well done


  • Quill
    November 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Would make a great movie!

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