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Morality of a Mannikin

Just a doll she is,

a puppet to a man.

 

Whom is the master,

and who dances to whom?

 

 

She stares off into a cold distance

The strings cut from her limbs

lost in memories dead in the past

Her eyes glazed in daze of a trance

as what is missed, now climbs

to remind her of what she knew could not last

 

A razor blade, slides across, removes the pain

as remembrances run in disgust

past the whimpers of the last night

What she had hoped to regain

is what she lost with in giving trust

and now dissappears in emotional twilight.

 

Down the reddened drain in vortexed flow

life twists and turns and runs down

An empty mannikin stands in display

as the symbol of cultural appropos

of vain hopes that did drown

in a romantic wooden dissarray

 

 

 

 

   

 

Author notes

this is my mannikin poem that I kept on promising you! enjoy!

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • grannyeri gold member
    December 3, 2008

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    What an interesting picture and poem who have written to go with it. Liked the images you have presented with these words. Troubling for sure. Change in length and format unusual, but works well here.

  • RechercheCadaver
    November 21, 2008

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    "Whom is the master,and who dances to whom?" I don't know...these lines appear to be a part of a different poem...as the master is no longer mentioned or even implied in the rest of the piece...at least that is what I gather from my limited understanding. Otherwise, I enjoyed the imagery and that you developed the theme and wrapped it up in a way that brings me back to the image of the doll.


  • MessedupMarionette
    November 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is pretty good. I think the picture in the middle was a little unnecessary... the imagery was strong enough without needing the picture. Also, I think the proper grammar is "who dances to whom" not "who". I really liked the last stanza, though--the vocabulary is good and the images are very sharp. Thanks for entering.


  • emopoetess
    November 19, 2008
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    really really good i totally loved it

  • TheDreamsMalfunction
    November 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Interesting

    This poem appears to be in a state of revision: the first two pairs of lines are stark, possibly what is seen at first glance, and then there is a pause before the deconstruction, rich in its lyricism, begins. I think there could be a way to bridge the two sections to make it less uneven in tone, but the ideas nonetheless expressed within are provoking and the imagery very good.

    As a side note, the word in your title is spelled "mannequin", but if that is intentional on your part then that's fine.


    • Dark Otter
      November 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Mannikin and mannequin are the same words

      with slightly different origins. The starkness is deliberate, the pacing intentional and it is a finished work. The beginning lines help to set up the stanzas. I usually attempt to do something unique with every poem. Breaking up the flow is a way of getting the audience to pay attention to what you are doing.

      • TheDreamsMalfunction
        November 15, 2008

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        Whoops... it said that this was being revised (you may want to change that). I didn't know about mannikin before now... sorry if I touched a nerve.

        • Dark Otter
          November 21, 2008
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          No problem!

          I did invite constructive criticism and I got it. I felt it necessary to point out my ideas. I should've had it down as a finished piece.


  • Draig aine gold member
    November 12, 2008
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    thumbs up

    well done


  • ears2hearyou gold member
    November 6, 2008

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    oops...
    busted!
    sorry..habitual peeker here!
    ears
    p.s. the imagery needs work!
    (ggigle)

    • Dark Otter
      November 6, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Shame! Shame! Shame!

      You caught me with my pants down trying to get dressed. Now back out of the room and go bother some other poor schmo.

1 - 11 of 11