le petite mort
it won't be long
before my bones separate
tendons dissolve
like burnt clothes
to be trampled until feet run ashy
and gray
as a symbolic plea
that I can't answer
when I try to live golden
with a fear
of anything
running too heavy
or collecting in my nerve-endings
making me
take place of the day
as I rise
like a heaving chest
out of bed;
I caught your eyes in the mirror
they reminded me
of pears
and that time you swore
how easy things would end up
we were like a garden
and would grow
but
let me sort it out-
you can't bloom
if the seed was never planted
instead
you stuck it in my ear
and expected
my head to curl
like leaves under the sun
yet I grew
to understand
how sometimes your mind failed
and in the warmest moments
winter will always
come again
and you'll disintegrate
emotionally
leaving me to pull my own hand
out of the cold
mistakes were made
but it wasn't me
forgetting not to drink so much
it was your fingertips
even your circulation
pumping indifference through the body
when for months
I gnawed to replace
that redundant babble
with an understanding
that I do believe you
and when the time comes
maybe I will
be so
inclined
to seperate my arms
into ladders
for you to climb
us
finally alone at the top
to feel the slight
of death
Author notes
M83--Lower Your Eyelids to die with the sun
http://hypem.com/track/664720/M83-Lower+Your+Eyelids+to+Die+with+the+Sun
and partially by:
http://hypem.com/track/665128/Explosions+in+the+Sky-First+Breath+After+Coma
the title speaks volumes about this situation, don't get me started on the song
A contest entry
- Sounds by film.
400 points, ended November 16, 2008, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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lovee. ---<3 why is AP not informing me of your poems!?!?!?
meghie
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i agree with film, as much as i love your poetry i feel sometimes you overdo it a bit much where i kind of forget what im looking for in reading the poem, its like seven poems in one! but there not any less amazing, and maybe thats just your style but either way lovely write
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leaving me to pull my own hand
out of the fire
beautiful. i love this poem. and i agree with my "cohost" (lol) about the imagery. it's very well put-together. i like it japes, i like it.
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"and you'll disintegrate
emotionally
leaving me to pull my own hand
out of the fire
you set"
Where in the world do you come up with this? God, everytime I read I think that one day you just won't know what to pick up and write abut but then you come along with a new write and blow my fucking head off.
Damn, you're amazing.
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My contest is about "la petite mort"!
"expected
my head to curl
like leaves under the sun"
"your circulation
pumping indifference through your body"
Good stuff as always
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I always read your stuff, but I don't always comment because I feel evil to leave anything vague...I will get started on commenting on everything.
"as a symbolic plea
that I can't answer
when I try to live golden
with a fear
of anything
running too heavy"
Shit son...this makes me think of The Golden Rule (bullshit
), self-consciousness...bah, good poetry. I just love it, especially your use of 'golden'.
And S2...damnation.
It is so strongly written and well-flowing; "and that time you swore/how easy things would end up"...that makes me think it happened more than once, even though it's in the singular sense.
Actually, that could maybe be in the plural tense. e.g. "and those times you swore"
I like it either way.
"yet I grew
to understand
how sometimes your mind failed"
Ahhhh! You slay me better than Buffy ever could.
"you set"<==brilliant line break and way to end that amazingly perfect stanza
"forgetting to not drink so much"
==>"forgetting not to drink so much"
It sounds...more natural, flow-wise.
"pumping indifference"
Love the word 'indifference', the way you've used it, this poem and you
"the slight
of death"
Fuck!
Jessica
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holy
-
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making me
take place of the day
as I rise
like a heaving chest
out of bed
therapeutic poetry does not often equal incredible poetry, but this definitely does. my only critique is that maybe some images seem unnecessary or overdone. that's really the only critique i could offer for any of your poetry, sometimes you drown the poem in images and the reader has to dig through the poem and separate the base of the poem from the decoration of it. but i really love your poetry and am so glad you entered.
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you know i can't critique this
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why!!!!!!!!!
:/
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wait...that's a rhetorical question, right?
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