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Freefall Love

i.
It seemed like something happened
like we were frozen to that moment on the lake.
Autumn leaves rustling around us,
turning brown and green colors mingling.

 

ii.
We were barely touching
just my breath against your cheek
& your eyes the colors of growing grass
not yet ripe,chartreus

iii.
I fell for the stars in your eyes
And the way your fingertips
Played against my frayed heartstrings
[brushing ever so lightly]


iv.
He left.
August 13,2008 7am
Marking the date on the calender
I feel the world getting smaller
And here i am alone




Not Yet Done

Author notes

Option 7
Phrase bank. Use as many of these phrases in your piece, but obviously at least 2.
1. it seemed like something happened
3. I fell for the stars in your eyes
7. baby, just believe
10. marking the date on the calendar

Option 2
Use one of these titles as a title of your poem.

Freefall Love
I Tried So Many Times To Turn Away
Im still choosing between titles ill know whne im finished with my poem.


first picture credit is
autumn on the waterside by ~ciemnastrona

In a list

A contest entry

comments/advice appreciated

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • xxRainbowDawnxx
    November 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    awwww... sad, but beautiful but kind of hopeful at the same time. Distance, breaking up, leaving, missing and all these other problems we have in relationships just help make our relationships stronger though, as long as we both believe in eachother.


  • havoc.haley
    November 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    memories.

    this is a lovely piece. it brings me back. hurts a little, but in a good way. The phrase that got me was this one:
    "I fell for the stars in your eyes
    And the way your fingertips
    Played against my frayed heartstrings
    [brushing ever so lightly]"

    you have a superb way with words.


  • Punkrocker1991
    November 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow... i love this poem. it's very good, very beutiful. i love the picture. i like how you phased everyhting. nice job, i loved it.


  • Sandi Alford gold member
    November 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    realizing you're not finished with this yet, I would suggest to perhaps switch your 3rd and 4th stanzas. I think that is whats causing the jump of thoughts...although I've been through this situation twice already and thoughts indeed jump from one to next-backward and forward- spiraling.

    It's beautiful already, and I'll definately come back to view the finished.

    My sincerest condolences for your loss

    Let the ink flow, it's wonderfully theraputic.
    Blessings, sandi


  • Justmenow
    November 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow, this is a beautiful piece, i felt so much emotion in the writing and loved this piece of work, i hope you are starting to come to terms with your loss, i know what you have been through, well done.


  • YOtta
    November 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I am so captured by your poem am deeply disappointed it’s not finished yet!!!
    I’m so intrigued, your start so far… Is very simply laid out, love your structure.
    You painted a sensual picture, vivid description of nature and then transforming it into the embrace of you and your loved one….(well at least up until before he leaves! )

    Where you put the date, that’s very original, made me feel your writing in your dairy, exposing your most personal dear sanctuaries with everyone.

    Please please finish and let me know!


  • For-da-luv-of-EL
    November 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    very cute =D it did seem to jump around just a little, as has been mentioned, and the bit where it goes "just my breath against your cheek" you made the breath into 'breathe'. Only other thing i could say is that in the next sentence you put an '&' sign instead of the word. but its very sweet


  • petalblue2
    November 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a very intriguing piece with a very intense story line, I hope this is only the very beginning because you have certainly hooked me. I long to know the end of the story.


  • Learning2PaintYou
    November 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like the line, "Just my breath against your cheek" and a also your last stanza. This poem is written very beautifully. I really like the metaphor of fingertips playing on heartstrings...like he made your heart sing. It's such a beautiful and elegant metaphor. I just love it! Good luck in the contest. I hope you win!!


  • AkashaRain47
    November 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    beautiful

    i like it a lot, but it seems to jump a little bit. maybe try and say what happened more? i'm not sure whether someone died or if they just left. other than that, I like it a lot. Very beautiful. Keep up the good work and good luck in the poetry contest!


  • Crazy-Love
    November 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I would just like to point out that the Her in the last line of III. is missing an e at the end lol. I really liked this. It was very well written. Whatever you decide to do with this I'm sure will be excellent.

1 - 11 of 11