my little mona lisa
she twirls and she leaps
in a world of black silk and tulle
i barley hear a word out of you
you say your not good with words
and she pirouette through the air
ebony hair in a whirlpools surrounds you
it covers the scars on your back
quite becoming my dear
just like a swan
except where the white velvet is interrupted
by the deep pink and red unorganized lines
and she twists and lands
just like your trained in your chemical trance
blue eyes striking against black and white
you twist and twirl and pirouette but never smile
you try and try but just can't manage
mona lisa smile
What did you think
Comments
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Welcome to Allpoetry
Okay... mona lisa seems to inspire all new poets out there.. I started my early writes too.. and this lady and her smile was the theme behind
lol.. Am sure u will turn big some day!! Good luck poet!!
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Welcome to Allpoetry
Hello,perfectxdisaster
Even though I believe poems about cutting to be overdone, your original take on such a sordid subject kept this from being boring. In fact, I adore your imagery, especially in lines like this:
"...and she pirouette through the air
ebony hair in a whirlpools surrounds you
it covers the scars on your back
quite becoming my dear
just like a swan
except where the white velvet is interrupted..."
This is the kind of language that makes your reader stop and say 'wow'... and did I ever!
My only suggestion to you is that you proofread your work. The spelling and grammar mistakes distracted me from your poem's message; unfortunate, since this is a beautiful poem, and I think that everyone deserves to feel its full power.
In all, though, a great start to what I hope is a long and fruitful poetic journey. If you ever need anything, whether it be editing-help or just someone to talk to, please just let me know
Write on!
Laura
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