Written November 4th, 2008
Tonight was a historical night - for so many reasons. But my happiness over the election for the presidential race was overshadowed by gut-wrenching pain at the thought of Proposition 8 in California passing. Being a gay woman living in California, I had hoped that it would not pass. I was hoping that in eight years, we could have moved past the bigotry that showed itself time and time again. My hopes, it seems, were just that. Hopes.
As I sit here watching the polls, unable to really tear myself away, the number of people voting to take away the fundamental rights of someone else makes my stomach roll. I have to wonder why so many people are so concerned with what someone else does with someone they love. I have to wonder why so many people are offended by something as pure and complex as love. Does the fact that the person I love is missing a part, or has an extra part, really all that important to someone else? How does this affect them? Does it make their own relationships any less validated because I'm allowed to choose to spend my own life with someone?
Today, in this day and age, the divorce rate is higher than it's ever been. People are crying out for the sanctity of marriage, yet celebrities are allowed to have marriages last for under twenty four hours and all they get is people gossiping? Why can these two people enter into such a special thing with no consequences for tearing it to shreds yet someone else, who has been with their partner for 10+ years, be unable to call them their husband or wife based on the fact they have the same parts?
From the time I was old enough to go to church from the time I was twelve years old, I went when I could. I listened to sermons, read the bible, and believed in the ideals that I was taught. To love everyone, to accept your neighbor and treat them as you wish to be treated. To not judge, to not cast the first stone. Even if you didn't agree with what someone else was doing. Eventually, I did move away from believing in God - but my ideals, rooted so much in the teachings I had when I was younger, did not leave me. God is a figurehead, to me. Of morals and beliefs that should be plain old common sense. Scriptures and passages are quoted at me, selectively, that can be taken in two ways and are taken in the worst way possible while ignoring the lines just before and after it, stating things that the person quoting to me are doing every day.
Now I listen to so many casting out their neighbor for making choices they personally don't believe in or agree with. Quoting bible text at them and shoving it down their throat. Threatening with hell for doing something that is not chosen.
While you may believe that it is a choice, and some have said we do it for attention...Would you do it? Would you willingly put yourself in the line of fire every day to fulfill your need for attention? Being Gay is a scary thing. There have been people beaten - verbally, but even scary enough, physically - and even killed over their orientation. We cannot walk down the street holding the hand of our loved one without getting looks, like we're a rapist or a murderer or smell like ten day old milk bubbling at the bottom of a garbage disposal. It gets so bad, that sometimes the only way a LGBT youth can perceive a way out of it is to take their own life. It's estimated that 30% of suicides each year are LGBT youths between 16 and 21.
Nobody but a masochist would ever do such a thing by choice. We have to work twice as hard as any heterosexual couple to make things work. You think your issues as a straight couple are pressing? We have those same issues, but with the added pain of knowing that we can't, at the end of the day, look at the person we love and have it be okay. It will never be okay - or at least that is how it feels.
I don't think anyone can truly understand the feeling of someone looking at you and telling you that you are such an abomination, such a horrible, disgusting person, because your heart calls out to someone unconventional. When it changes nothing for them, hurts nobody....Not until they've been through it themselves.
To have such a joy of being able to finally, finally, take that person you love, stand in front of those who make your life complete, and pledge to be theirs forever...and suddenly be looked in the eye and told that your promises are insignificant and no longer are recognized.
To know that you may never get that back. I have not been through this, but so many people have.
With every number increase in the polls to take away my right to love someone, and spend my life with them, my faith in humanity dips a little lower and my heart wrenches and I find it harder and harder to breathe. I feel like I will never be able to have something I've dreamed of since I was a little girl, and it kills me inside.
Before you take my rights away, please consider this:
One day, you will not be in the majority. It is constantly changing. Which rights of yours will be taken away?
I may not agree with your actions, or your ideals, but I will FIGHT for your rights to do them, or think them, so long as they hurt nobody in the process. This is what our country was founded on. Why, because you do not agree with me, must you cast me aside as if I do not matter?
I have feelings. I have a heart, and I breathe and feel pain. I contribute to society. I love. I laugh. I cry. I live under the same sun as you do. Why do I not matter?
-Ashley N. Bailey
Author notes
People have asked if they can forward this essay in emails, post it in their live journals or DA or Myspace or...Anything, really. They have been given permission. If this essay touched something in you, feel free to pass it on anywhere you'd like to as well.
What did you think
Comments
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I randomly found this, and I agree with everything you've said. I was watching the polls when Florida was voting on this, too, and was sickened. And the thing is, I feel a lot of people are voting against gay marriage because 'God said it was wrong'. (Some of my friends have said that.) But what they don't get is that people believe different things than they do. And their rights to believe that should be protected.
I believe that taking a gay person's marriage rights away is against the first amendment.
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You make a strong point.
I really liked your essay here, it could help many people. My best friend Brandon is gay and people give him s@#% every day. I went along and e-mailed this to all of my friends. Thankyou.
--Melissa Butler-- -
I feel for you and so many others who have to suffer through utterly disgusting display of selfishness.
When did humanity sink so low? I've lost all faith in it.
It isn't fair by any means. No one has the right to tell you you're not allowed to get married. No one has the right to judge you just because you love someone of the same sex.
This ridiculous behavior turns my stomach every day. I can only hope that it will eventually get better.
At least the numbers were closer this time...
That, at least, must mean something.
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That's...powerful.
I'm seeing this through your eyes, and I do wish things were different. Better.
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Fellow Californian here. I voted against Prop 8 as well and was shocked and angry when it passed. I had hoped we were beyond this kind of discrimination. I also thought it was ridiculous that in the county I live in, a sales tax got 62% in favor and yet didn't pass because it needed a 2/3s majority, while a proposition writing discrimination into the state constitution passed with only a simple majority.
You do matter. Hopefully sometime soon people will realize that and won't keep trying to take away your rights. I guess the only silver lining here is the margin by which it passed is far slimmer than the proposition back in the 1990's that said pretty much the same thing. -
That is awesome. I am a straight girl, who's best friend in the world is bisexual. I am forwarding this to her. Outstanding essay hun
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Politically Incorrect
I'd like to comment, but I have to go outside, in the freezing cold rain, where there is no shelter, so I can smoke a cigarette...you see, I'm not allowed to do it inside anymore, the technology just doesn't exist that will extract smoke from a room.
Face it, the government will always be blatantly hypocritical about every fundamental right our forefathers intended us to have. The more rights they can wrestle from individual people, the more control they can exert over our individual lives. In my opinion this should NOT even BE a ballot question or a law makers decision, it's PERSONAL. One thing I hope the new president does (which I doubt VERY much with the Clinton cabinet coming back) is to RE ESTABLISH personal rights for the people, instead of making us all sheeple to be herded around, poked and beaten like Al Gore did to smokers in his tirade. Made the lawyers lots of money, stole from the tobacco industry both producers and consumers, DID NOTHING ABOUT THE PRODUCT OR IT'S LEGITIMACY, and then went somewhere to grow a beard and chop wood. Bite me.
I'm not homophobic, I don't care what color anybody is...asinine is asinine, and for someone to tell someone else "You can't __________because we don't like it." Is corruption. The problem is not proposition 8, the problem is that THER IS a proposition 8 at all.
(Now, for all of you that will want to shoot me for smoking...better ask the government elect if you can still have guns and tazers first).
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I'm a straight woman with gay pride, and even though I'm not American or living in the US, I still feel your pain.
Homophobia is disgusting and wrong, like anatomical racism. It confuses me that we are all taught to love, yet we so willingly take others' rights away because of WHOM they choose to love?
Denying someone the right to marry, just to pacify the politically-correct, is a horrendous crime against humanity; we are constantly being bombarded with conflicting messages... If I remember correctly, the bible says, "Love thy neighbour as thyself"; not "Love thy neighbour as thyself provided that they're straight, white and Christian"... Does the word 'Catholic' not mean, 'Universal'? Besides, what is the church doing in the bedrooms of the state anyway?
This is so brilliantly-written that it brought tears to my eyes... I will definitely pass this along to my friends, both gay and straight, for yours is a message that deserves to be heard by ALL.
A standing ovation to you, my friend. Well done!
Love and light always,
Laura, aka Immortal
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I can't read this. I'd like to, but I don't have the mind to at the moment.
I'd like to comment on your opinion on homosexuality, and since I'm here, I'll comment here.
I admire anyone like you, who is whole enough to accept and respect people as people. It's beyond my comprehension that racism and homophobia (as well as anything similar) exist. I simply can't understand it. I can list reasons that attempt to explain why people feel hatred towards others purely because of how they feel, but, though I've tried, I'm entirely incapable of accepting any of their worthless 'justifications'.
So many people ridicule themselves with their irrational, pathetic prejudices.
I read part of a comment down there. I notice that God is mentioned. Immediately that tells me that whomever wrote the comment has no thoughts of his/her own, and wants to pass on the responsibility for his/her ridiculous decision to hate to someone else.
I see you've had many large comments, so might be sick of reading, or might not. Either way, I'll make this just a little longer and leave you to it.
Know that just your opinion, and willingness to care, is a helpful step in vulgar battle. As for God, if I were God, I'd sooner welcome people who care about the race I created than those who despise what I made into my heaven. Take care x
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the comment below mine has been made by the exact people that make this country what it is. i read that comment and was so surprised to see the line "how great straight people are" sorry, but that is sick.
love should not be restricted to something, it should be allowed for anyone. i don't understand how people can stand against two people who just want to love eachother.
as for your piece, it was compelling. after i read it i wanted to go out and do something. i severly empathize with you and when i say that i mean it, i cannot believe humanity is still chained to the morals of hate and separation.
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In reading your essay several things come to mind. First and most important marriage is for man and woman. Having sex is the most beautiful thing in the world in the world of marriage. I disagree with you as far as your rights were taken away, God made man and woman for one reason and that was to be married as man and wife. Your rights were never taken away from you since it should not had been even allowed. I would not want my children growing up knowing its alright to see a man and man or woman and woman living together having sex in a very unconvential way no less to say, Think about how your children may turn out if they were being raised by gays, not to say you were not be good parents but children need a mother and father not two fathers or two mothers. The people have spoken but yet everytime it does not go your way the law suits come out and the riot in the streets holding protest. How do you think the American people would have felt if it did pass. Having it taught in schools or where you HAVE TO BE MARRIED by someone who doesnot share your belief is wrong. Someday it may be pass but I don't enjoy taking my children out and seeing gays kissing and when they ask me Daddy why are they doing that I just tell them its their way but it is wrong. We are Christians and go to Church weekly and I voted YES because from the word of God he made Adam and Eve not Adam and John and Eve and Mary. My suggestion is to settle down and reflect what you are doing and I hope that maybe someday instead of writing an essay like this you can write one telling us how great the straight people are. I read the comments from below and even though you have people agreeing with you are they just saying it or truly mean it. I have known several gay people and they are very nice but as long as they keep their private lives to themselves that is fine with me. You can have a good life and I hope you do but don't act like its wrong that we voted yes for a propostiion that mean this is better for our children.
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How is what you are saying any different then discriminating against people for the color of thier skin? How does this affect your life, your childrens lives?? You would rather have your children grow up on hate then to let people have thier rights? Being gay is not a CHOICE....a woman does not wake up one day and decide that they want to be gay, it is who they are. Look at what you are bringing forth, discrimination because it is not what you do or believe in. I do not believe in the bible, but I do not go around telling christians that they can not read it, or believe it. The bible ITSELF says love thy neighbor, not love thy neighbor as long as he or she is not gay or black, or mexican or jewish or catholic....How can there be a God with such prejudice? What if your child is gay? Would you shun them? It is not something that is taught, it is WHO YOU ARE.
I am a proud Bisexual, and I dont believe in the bible, I dont know if there is a God, but Im sure of a force bigger then us....I believe ALL are equal and ALL deserve equal rights. I love my neighbore wether he is black or white or mexican or jewish or catholic or christian or gay or straight. I think that if there is a God, he shall see my open mind and open heart over your closed mind and discrimination. Wouldnt that make more sense?? -
I think there are several misconceptions that people are parroting from the Yes on Prop 8 commercials that need to be addressed:
1) Marriage is not taught in schools. I'm friends with several teachers, as well as my aunt being a teacher, and they would get in trouble for teaching anything of the sort in their class.
2) This proposition would not have forced religious people to perform ceremonies if they did not want to based on religion, as it would violate the 1st amendment. We are not asking for churches to be forced to marry us - there are plenty of other ways to be married. Justice of the peace, for example.
I have no issues with straight people, nor Christians. I do not label people. People are people, no matter their orientation, religious beliefs, or ideas.
As for children needing a mother and father - that's just not true and is very insulting to single mothers or fathers that raise their children just fine every day. I have the most wonderful mother in the world, and she raised me all by herself. Just because you have a mother and a father does not make your upbringing any better. Traditional gender roles are just not needed anymore. There are plenty of ways for good female and male role models to take a part in a child's life.
The bible tells you to not judge - but that's exactly what you're doing. I also have to note that America is not a Theocracy, and I'm sorry, there are hundreds of thousands and even millions of people in the United States who do not believe in God. That belief is fine for you, and may be right for you, but it is not for others and should not be forced on them in a country that was founded on religious freedom.
Telling your children it is wrong simply breeds intolerance. God asks you to be tolerant. Why do you go against that? Not to mention that there's not one place in the bible that says homosexuality is wrong. Leviticus can be taken two ways, but even then it's not even valid. Leviticus was a covenant between God and Israel as a civil state, and Leviticus is no longer binding for Christians.
I may also note that same sex marriages have been taking place throughout history. Homosexual relationships were even revered in some - These coming to mind being Ancient Rome, Ancient Greece, China and Japan.
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Awesome
I am not in Cali but I had hoped this would go differently. I had big dreams of Maryland - my state - seeing how well it went there and changing things here.
My partner wears an engagement ring but even though we pay taxes here and build our lives here the state will not recognize our getting married. It's so unfair. We had to get papers drawn up and signed just so that if one of us goes into the hospital the other has the right to visit and make decisions. It's sick.
Love is love. Why people feel they have to regulate it for their own sense of security is beyond me.
Your essay touched me, and I am glad you posted it.
~Jay~
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I echo your thoughts and you make your points with poignance. How can it be anybody elses's business or right to say that same gender couples should not be allowed to love one another fully, completely, in public and in private?
Those that misuse religion or politics to espouse their own doctrines that gay relationships should be outlawed because they perceive love between two same gender human beings as wrong are ironically the same who have no qualms about misusing religion and politics to hurt and harm.
It's been a long road from the times when gays were sacked, ostracized, made to have electric shock therapy, prevented from joining the armed forces, not allowed to congregate in gay bars etcetera but there is still a long way to go for equal rights to have a union blessed, to have the right to visit a life partner in hospital with the same rights humanely afforded to heterosexual life partners and so on.
I am straight and will sign any petition for peaceful progress and positive change so that same sex couples may simply be allowed to love each other and enjoy an open relationship without being made to feel different.
Rainbow Love
Yvette
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This is such a very well spoken piece. My best friend is a gay male, and through the years I have watched him endure so much - just to be able to live some sort of normalcy. Gay marriage is not allowed here either ... I will say that I am a Christian, though I am of no other sanction, I do believe in God.
The one thing that always bothered me was that we are taught to love one another, to NOT judge, and that we should love even our enemies ... I say that because it seems that the world has this problem; if you are different you are wrong. How is that so? It does make me sad that my friend, and so many others cannot just love freely - and live and let live. Whose to say who and how we can love? If I happened to date women, what and why would that be anyone else's business?
Indeed, how does this affect anyone else? Some would say the Bible says it isn't right (to be gay)- ahh but I would object there, because it contradicts in places - see though some would say it is not right in God's eyes, they could also read to find how it is wrong to condemn anyone for any reason - for we are NOT the judge nor jury. It is not our right as a people to simply cast another aside, but to try and see from their eyes, their heart, and their pains - that they bleed the same.
Truly thought provoking. I wish you all the best! Great write!
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Well said. It isn't right.
Our Constitution and laws shouldn't be used to take rights away from people. Instead we have holier-than-thou people telling gays they don't have the right to love and care for whom they please.
I wish those people had to walk a mile in your shoes. I wish, for just a day, they had to face the hatred and prejudice you have to face everyday.
Being an atheist living in the bible belt, I have to face the same kind of narrow-mindedness as you, but even that is nothing compared to the mindless, soul-decaying hate gays have to endure.
Worst of all, Obama didn't say a word in opposition to Prop 8 (he even allowed his voice to be used in advertisements that supported that that awful proposition.) For that alone he has shown he is no friend to people who truly believe in equality for all.
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WE heard that on the news too...in Washington State...
and I have to admit...I was boldly shocked.....
we still have such a long long way to go...still......
dear sister...may you please hold onto HOPE....
and you keep shining that BIG HEART OF LOVE....
for the only weapon that truly conquers hate...and
in-justice...is the HOPE and Purest LOVE!
shine that love in your heart boldly!
so very heart-broken....that this election let you down.
We've still got a lot of work ahead of us...don't give
up HOPE!
ears/Seattle
I asked myself too..regarding the Gay issue...
when you boil it all down...
it seems to be a matter of love and hate...
and so I ask myself...
does hate and in-justice
bring honor to our God?
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This is amazing. It made me want to cry. My page is currently a message for gay rights, and I would be honoured if you'd allow me to link to your essay on it. I have to believe times will be better.
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oh yes, YOU matter! and so do your rights, love, and beliefs. I say, kudos!!!! you spoke the truth, and if others refuse to acknowledge that thier rights will too, be taken away, the they are not thinking clearly.
i WILL pass this on!!
becca
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You matter to me. You are just the same as I, and who you love should make no difference. This is amazing.
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There is so much to applaud in this essay. The religous people who sponsored this initiative (which went down to defeat in the past) finally found the perfect scare tactic....OMG your child might learn that gay people exist, that they fall in love and have families and are happy!!!
As a teacher in California I can assure any voter that children know and accept much more than parents realize. Taking the legal safeguards away from gays will not cause them to disappear. The odds are that your child will know a gay parent, have a gay schoolmate or work for a gay employer. And it won't turn them gay. They will grow up to be more tolerant, more loving and more compassionate. That is the mark of a true Christian.
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pure and complex as love
your words touched me, "pure and complex as love"
i'm sad for you and you do matter,
your heart matters,
warm wishes,
isabella
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If you call bigotry what has been the norm throughout civilization I doubt it's possible you'll understand any further explanation that doesn't confirm your self-centered world. What you just said is typical of of the extreme solipsism that characterizes too much of modern life today. It's really sad.
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It hasn't been 'the norm' throughout civilization. There are many cultures (Japan, China, Rome, Greece for example!) that have supported and saw no problem with homosexual behavior throughout history. Many other parts of the world have embraced and accepted gays and have allowed them to have the right to marry.
Throughout civilization, it was also the norm to hold slaves, have women be unable to hold any position or have a voice, cut off people's limbs for stealing, not sanitize things for use in the medical field, and various other things.
...There are a lot of traditions that have been tossed out the window, and for good reason. If we never changed anything, we'd still be living in squalor and getting disease from our own feces. Change is needed to grow and expand as society. Without it, we will die off. Ideas are constantly changing. The idea of what is correct to do or allow is also changing.
This is no different.
Those countries who have embraced gay marriage have shown a drop in divorce rate and, at times, even a healthier financial situation.
As for me showing extreme solipsism, I'd say that's an outrageous assumption. And you know what they say about assumptions.
I've yet to hear one logical argument for the restriction of the rights for myself or anyone else based on who I *LOVE*. Give them to me, and you may change my mind. Instead of throwing around thinly veiled insults, how about you debate like an intelligent person. -
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Logic is only logic in terms of a premise. It is obvious you have no desire to abandon yours.
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If you're unwilling, unprepared or unable to defend your position speak nothing at all. It only shows you a fool.
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I'm unwilling. And I'm completely ok with letting you have the last word, knowing how important that is to those who strive mightily to defend something they know in their bones is false. As for being a fool ,I've been one a thousand times and will no doubt be one again. At some point you'll learn that trying to master the seeming intricacies of the one sided sophistry you imagine to be a reasonable view is in reality a house of cards. Either that or it will drain you. You'll see.
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No, I know it's *NOT* false, and while I do respect your right to believe what you want, I will never understand why someone will find it okay to deny someone fundamental rights.
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Of course you'll never understand. How could you as long as you look at a preference as "fundamental rights"? Reality will sort it out for you sooner or later. It always does.
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Actually, prior to the last century or two, marriage has been primarily an economic and political tool. What, precisely, is one protecting when such Draconian propositions as this one are allowed to pass? And, considering the fear tactics employed by those against gay marriage, it seems to me that extreme solipsism mires both sides of this non-issue.
One may not agree with the lifestyle, but is that any reason to deny a loving couple the right to visit one another in hospital, to bequeath estates to each other, to raise a tolerant child? I'm perfectly willing to understand the motivations of the bigoted, if they cared enough to explain it like sane people, and backed it up with hard facts. -
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You can't even hear yourself. Your immediate use of "bigoted" and "sane people" (obviously those who agree with you) show that you aren't willing to understand anything that doesn't align with your view. It's one thing for people to disagree. It's quite another to paint yourself as supremely reasonable while you do all the things you accuse the "bigoted" of doing. The world is so overrun with with this metastasized emotion that passes itself of as serious thinking that discussion is impossible. If there is one thing the homosexual scream for tolerance has proven beyond dispute it is that the cry for tolerance was just the prelude to a new intolerance. It is sad beyond words. -
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So you're saying that the position can't be defended with hard facts? Instead you have to go with this distraction, this circus act based on two little words out of the nearly one hundred twenty I posted? I hear you loud and clear.
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Personally, I disagree with your support of Obama, but I do agree with your opinion of the proposition 8 results. This was an amazing essay.
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This is a beautiful and poignant plea for GLBT everywhere. Like you, I rejoiced in Obama's victory and although I don't live in CA, I watched the incoming results hoping......hoping. As the mother of a gay son I am active in my local area. I too would like to copy and past this (full credit to you as Onyx Dragon) for one of my internet groups. Thank you for saying what so many of us are thinking so eloquently. Deb
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This essay was extremely well written and was beautiful.
Thank you for sharing.
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Prop 8 is a big deal in my house. My ex father in law is a major player in the KCs down in Orange Co. I am a straight woman, but I have a heart, and I not agree with any part of prop 8. Being gay is a personal choice. YOUR PERSONAL CHOICE. NOBODY'S ELSE'S. I believe this with all my heart. I believe that being gay has NOTHING to do with exposing my kids to a lifestyle I do NOT AGREE WITH. THAT'S BULLSHIT, excuse my language, and I've argued with him for months about it.
LIVE YOUR LIFE, the BEST way you know how.
EVERYONE else is going to think what they want anyway.
Your higher power; be it God, or a Goddess; that's your business too.
Once you realize this with all your heart, then the rest should fall away.
I wish you the very best,
jin
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Powerful stuff
I'm a Christian, but please don't just ignore this review because of that. The Christians you mentioned, sadly, do exist and are even in the majority, but please don't write off all Christians because of that. Quite a few of my friends are gay/bi, but that doesn't bother me at all. I suppose I think it's wrong, but only on an ideological level, in the same way I suppose I think cussing is wrong, but if I stopped to gape at everybody who used profanity, where would I get in life? Not to mention the fact that I cuss too.
I know somewhat about what you feel because I was brought up in an extremely conservative Christian household, and my....preferences....such as the color black, a certain morbid fascination with the concept of death, and other such things garnered a lot of criticsm, finger-pointing, name-calling, and punishment. I know I can't ever empathize with you fully because I never had to go through that, but please don't think that you are alone or that no one thinks you matter. I also think that it is a terrible thing to abuse people for their orientation or preferences, and I also believe that a day will come when people are more tolerant of those different from them. I'm right there with you. -
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I have nothing against Christians, in the least bit - I would never disregard what someone said because of their religious belief. I have many Christian friends who are absolutely lovely. No worries <3
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