When you called me darling, I blushed and looked away,
My mind afraid to let my eyes reveal what I would say.
I held my words within me, winged birds inside a mew,
And never let them find their way from that dark cage to you.
When you called me sweetheart, it pulled my heartstrings tight;
I worried that your words were tokens of our loving night.
I held you close and pressed my face into your sleep-warmed skin,
And tried to let my body show you how I felt within.
When you call me, dearest, no words shall I reply,
How would you ever care for such a world-worn thing as I?
So nothing then can I respond, my head held down in shame;
I cannot dare to love you when you’ll never know my name.
Author notes
Written for the contest, no personal involvement.
A contest entry
- When you called me... by 2lullabyhaven.
650 points, ended November 19, 2008, 40 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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It looks like you were missing a word in line 4:
"And never let [them] find their way from that dark cage to you."
My pet peeve in poetry is pronoun abuse, especially the first-person pronouns I, me, my. In your poem here I count 10 instances of I, 3 me's, 7 my's, and between you and your another 10! It's only a 12 line poem!
My advice isn't to wipe them out completely, but cut down on them by half, or in this case, you could EASILY slash 75% of them and still say the same exact thing! It's difficult at first, but with practice it will come as second nature.
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Elegantly written, thanks for your entry and good luck in the contest
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I enjoyed this, Amanda, though I am not shocked in the least by how well it is written. Best of luck, my sister!
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Wow, this is pretty deep!
Wonderful thought for this prompt.
It's so hard to be in the company of
someone who never remembers your
name. Especially when he or she feels
so much for you deep down inisde and
you in return feel the same. Well done
and good luck to you with this one!
Jeremy0826
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