Frozen, my life in suspended animation,
feel like an apparition of who I am;
unable to feel, create, live, debate,
going through the paces, getting nowhere
All that once seemed possible
now eerily out of reach,
I only contemplate my inadequacy
in comparison to the greats
Longing to grow, but my limbs can no longer stretch,
want to know the extent of my inabilities, no,
I can’t bear to go there…
It’s to painful, I’ll just try to sleep and forget
Can’t seem to find joy in any pursuit,
none of my former pastimes is fulfilling;
want something new in my life,
nothing outside of me is affecting my inner being
Desire for freedom calls in the distance,
the sounds fade into oblivion;
leaving sadness in its wake,
oh, for life’s sake, I wish I could break through
Is this feeling my entire fault?
There’ve been provocative and traumatic events,
those’ve precipitated irrational fears, panic, trepidation,
thoughts of annihilation, low self esteem.
Is this a dream?
Am I addicted to the role of martyr?
I don’t like feeling trapped like this,
is it on me to change?
Is this what it’s like to be in denial?
I’ve suffered, keep going through
the same old game plans;
repetition is so monotonous!
I keep having my boundaries violated,
pick the wrong friends;
wind up being used and abused,
I’m isolating to protect.
Is it denial to think
I’m not to blame for all of this?
I feel so betrayed,
am I betraying myself?
Words: K.Botka
11/4/08
Author notes
This is the full version of something I started to write for a Contest on denial. It called for only 16 lines max & as you see this poem went way beyond that! I sat at the keyboard & my mind & fingers took over!
Php 4:4 Rejoice in the Master alway: and again I say, Rejoice.
5 Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Master is at hand.
6 Be careful [anxious] for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto YAH.
7 And the peace of YAH, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through The Christ Yahshua.
8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. {honest: or, venerable}
- Used and Abused group list • next in list
A contest entry
- INVITE-SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT!!! by Heroesrox.
1200 points, ended February 16, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
How'm I doin'?
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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This reads like a really powerful outpouring of emotions. Sometimes poetry is so good for that, it just gets out what you are feeling in a way that even conversation can't. That is when poetry is much like journalling. And sometimes you can express yourself in a way that other people can relate to. This is a powerful write, Kathleen, good job!
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Is it denial to think
I’m not to blame for all of this?
I feel so betrayed,
am I betraying myself?
Wow! What an amazing write. I love the way you ended it. Great write! -
yeah I do that... when they give me a line limit I tend to forget about it til someone comments on hey wasn't there a line limit.... It just shows that you are a very creative writer. That's what I have been told anyway. This is a very good write. Flows well. Keeps ones attention... and has a whole lot of emotion in it. Thanks for sharing this with us.
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Stunning piece, Kathie, as I have come to expect from you! Thanks so much for entering my contest with this and may you have a wonderful day!
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Thank you
for your kind words. My pleasure to enter this in your Contest!
You enjoy your day also. 
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this poem speaks volumes to me, its superbly writen and as i read, it flows so well, your descriptions of this inner torment is spot on.
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TY
for reading & your compliment on this piece.
Sorry you could identify so well with this. I understand & can wax prolific on torment unfortunately. Don't like going into these places much as the details can just bring so much up! 
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This is so sad but so brilliantly expressed. You spoke from the heart and it shows. I hope things are better for you now. Thank you for sharing this amazing poem with us all!
Mariana
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Thank You Mariana!
I suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder so I go through my phases! Knowledge is power & I've a lot of knowledge about my Disorders & dis-eases. I also know Who my Savior is & He always protects me & gives my guidance. I don't know that I'm brilliant [though it's nice to hear
] but I am expressive! Thanks for reading & your encouraging comments!
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Don't be your own tormentor, we live in seasons. Don't let your down and cold seasons be too long! I agree with Condor.
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Thanks for
reading & your concerned comments! I used to "isolate" but not any longer & as a matter of fact want intimacy & friendship more than ever [I was always friendly] but my health circumstances isolate me. All those who I cherish in my life aren't in close proximity so isolation is something I deal with on a daily basis! This makes me cling to our heavenly Father & Savior all the more & also really appreciate being here at AP where I can enjoy what I love doing the most! This is a poem based on experience, but I was sharing this for a Contest & also as part of my Ministry to anyone who might happen upon this write! We can be our own worst enemies & I've learned to be a friend to myself 'cause He loves me & I need to follow His example always! 
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A fantastic write where you just said it as it was, because you allowed your mind and your hands do the talking and walking. Haven't we all been here in our lives. It seems this is something we are all destined to experience throughout our lives, but i wouldn't go putting up barriers to isolate yourself to stop from being hurt. That would only add to your sorrow and you would only hurt yourself. Great write indeed.
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Thanks for reading!
Sad to say this was an easy write as I had much life experience to draw from. I don't put up barriers [I had to learn what proper boundaries are!] & am still learning how to protect myself in the right way. Unfortunately my physical illness isolates me & I'm almost totally housebound, with an almost non-existent family life & all my friends are in my Church & we're all spread out over the State! Isolation is not something anyone should choose for themselves & you should only know the challenge I face by 'exposing' my true & inner self before all on the Web! Thanks for your complement! I'm blessed to be able to have the gift of writing! That looks like a very amiable dogie you've got there.
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A place we all know at least once in our lives...sis this is strong and deep and says so much...we often seem to end up with the wrong people because we think we can change them, yet all that happens is we end up hurt and dishearted but sometimes it does work out...love the way this one closes very strong last stanza...well done.
mystic
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Looks like, to me, you should just let your fingers do the talking anytime they want!!! Interesting, excellent write. Now, can you put this into a haiku, please.... LOL
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at times (well most of this poem)you are (in my mind) describing depression. and ive been there and done that. i like that this went over the original 16 line limit, because anything else would have made this incomplete. i think the first stanza is a great kickoff to the rest of the poem, and fits the ending well.
as this is not spiritual (lol) there will be no cigarette break after this on -
now that was seriously good
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Thank you!
Glad you came by to give my work another try! 
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your muse rocked this theres more in this one then the shorter one and more reveals about how disapointment makes us put distance in our feelings and sharing with others too
I keep having my boundaries violated,
pick the wrong friends;
wind up being used and abused,
I’m isolating to protect.
that makes so much sense i can totally relate to that, Jake had to peel me out of a thick steel shell after i got hurt by people but im glad he did.
Is it denial to think
I’m not to blame for all of this?
I feel so betrayed,
am I betraying myself?
i think everybody can relate to this part, i think even the strongest people i know think like this sometimes
Awesome!
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