a wooden boy without a soul, who lacks a face
life lives only in his joints
his feet they walk, and walk they do
for something lacks in every step
(every step he walks)
to become a clown
living off street corner coins
palmed by the rich and famous
they throw away little bits of spirit, little bits of
what they’ve already found
a mimic, a mimic
who talks like, who talks like
the dead
he thinks his feet dance contemporary
on a path once bled
through the scars to
keep on moving
but cannot, and will not realize
never thought was
the destination
have you ever seen a puppet made of flesh?
A contest entry
- journey by autarky.
900 points, ended November 21, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Shoot.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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brilliant. <3
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Ahhh. Wow. Many puppets made of flesh walk the earth. Sometimes, I think they are all slowly turning into wood.
Loved the 'mimic' stanza. Very powerful verse. Hard, dark, real, and blunt. Excellent. ~Pamela
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This is another abstract poem,
and I don't do real great with abstract poetry (my fault entirely; not the writer's), but there are some things I notice that either appeal to me or that in my opinion, should be changed.
I really like this line:
life lives only in his joints
but then there are these lines:
his feet they walk, and walk they do
for something lacks in every step,
in every step he does so move
I guess it's only the last one that bothers me. Why change your sentence structure, putting in extra verbs: "does so"? This sort of thing is really unnecessary and tends to clog up the flow. Just leave it as "in every step he moves." There is no rhyme that you'd be messing up.
"palmed by the rich in famous"
I think it should be rich and famous.
I really like, really really like these lines:; (smile)
a mimic, a mimic
who talks like, who talks like
the dead
and this stanza just leaps beyond my understanding, which, as I said, is my fault and not that of the writer.
he thinks his feet dance contemporary
on a path once bled
but cannot, and will not realize never thought was
To me, they don't say anything at all; they are just words.I haven't any notion what you're referring to or if there is even a message there.
I really like your metaphor of the puppet. I just think this poem needs a bit of cleaning up.
celtic queen -
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thank-you so much for your indepth comment and criticism, I appreciate any time, any day. theres no way to improve with out it.
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makes me think of all the puppets of the world i have seen, a wonderfully done poem, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest
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i like this, well written, best of luck in the contest
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