As she rushes, to be by his side,
Anticipation, takes away all her pride.
Running around looking for him,
Chances she’ll find him may be slim.
He was not there at first morning light,
He up and left her in the middle of the night.
He swore he would love her, for all his life,
Now he had gone back home to his wife.
He left her unhappy and feeling so blue,
Her heart has been broken half into.
As tears drops roll down her soft cheeks,
Longing to find him but feeling so weak.
The stones of the road hurt her bare feet,
But still she’s not stopping or conceding defeat.
She been to the place where they had first met,
But still she hasn’t found a sign of him yet.
She comes to the last place on her list,
Her heart is so broken, she doesn’t want to exist.
She feels in her purse and finds the hand gun,
She knew in her heart this wouldn't be fun.
She walks to the house that he shared with his wife,
Knowing someone is going to lose their life.
She opens the door and walks on inside,
This is one time she won’t be denied.
She goes to the room were they both lay,
She opens the door but, doesn’t know what to say.
Suddenly she realized the gun’s in her hand,
She said “you’ve been dancing without paying the band.”
She has the gun pointed right at his head,
But she knew without him she’d rather be dead.
Suddenly she turned the gun on herself,
With a squeeze of the trigger no heartache was left.
By Hardluck
Author notes
This is my first love poem.
- A Critical Circle group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Picture Prompt... by ariazephyrzoe.
1000 points, ended November 21, 2008, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do I need to do to make it better?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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I love this poem, it is an amazing write and the emotion just scream write off the page.....
My favorite part is
"She comes to the last place on her list,
Her heart is so broken, she doesn’t want to exist.
She feels in her purse and finds the hand gun,
She knew in her heart this wouldn't be fun."
I like the whole poem but this sticks out most to me. Great write, keep it up!
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Whoa!!
I can't believe to tell you how much I can relate to this poem! I literally saw this happen in my life once (only without the gun in hand part) with someone I was in love with. True Genius!!!
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WOW!!!
This was an awesome write!! I love the imagery and the ryhme, rythem and flow is right on. Great job.
With love and blessings,
Robert
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As she rushes, to be by his side,
Anticipation, takes away all her pride.
Running around looking for him,
Chances she’ll find him may be slim.
I was moved by the story the first time I read it. I was really speechless by the ending...the twist is very unexpected.
I was moved reading your a/n that this is your first love poem...sad though it ended in tragedy...yet very real...
I have two best friends, one male and one female; not a member from this site fell in love with this piece.
Thank you for sharing your talent.
Anna Lee
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Tragic!
I felt it too.
All to often it turns out this way.
Now, I feel that though it was branded with a theme of hurt, jealousy, and death, (great topics), and was portrayed with an airy feel of a particular ominous feel, that you captured very well. There are a few ideas that I would impress upon you to when writing ask yourself to try and remember.
Nothing good is ever forced.
Example:
As she rushes, to be by his side,
This line speaks of her being in a rush. I would make it do so. I would not put a comma in it.
Anticipation, takes away all her pride.
Nice pause after "Anticipation" but takes away her pride, something is lost here ... when you say "pride" I believe that you may be implying good of negative pride. I got lost there. How about something to this effect "swells within inside"
Running around looking for him,
Chances she’ll find him may be slim.
The 1st statement here I find to be perfect.
The second, I would ad a comma after "him". and I would take away the two words "may be", and add the word "are" It gives it more of an airy feel and compliments the way that you wrote the rest of the poem.
There is more but this is your poem. Help you I hope I have giving some examples. In the fashion that I suggested it will read like this. See if you think it to not be as forced.
"As she rushes to be by his side,
Anticipation, swells within inside.
Running around looking for him,
Chances she’ll find him, are slim."
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I liked the main idea just tweaking is all I can see that could be done. You do not have to agree though by all means.
Good job on this.
But as I said it was very tragic ...
Peace to you.
~ James ~
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I have a new favorite...
Your poem left me breathless and without a word to speak, the flow, oh the flow is amazing, so
un-forced and it seems to glide freely off the tongue, the whole story is tragic, she died because of his careless act. Only thinking upon himself and not at the expense of others, and the cost was not an angry hate stricken partner, but the life of an abandoned young lady. Your poem has exquisite imagery, especially the line
the stones of the road hurt her bare feet,
that is my favorite line. This poem is rich with everlasting love replaced by emotional despair and unexplainable rage leading to a life's loss. This poem deserves more applauses then one comment allows. I tried posting another comment with more applauses, but It didnt allow the extra applauses, sorry. I am speechless at this beautiful write. And this is my new favorite, Outstanding job, this poem will definently win. Good luck and please, please keep writing...
-Your awe stricken loyal fan,
Carissa...
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This is a beautifully sad poem. Your emotion in this poem is amazing, i was speechless when i was done reading. I think it flows very well but there are a few sentences that confused me a little bit. First "He up and left her in the middle of the night." Did you mean "He got up and left her in the middle of the night" Another sentences i found a bit confusing is "Her heart has been broken half into." at the end did you mean to put too? If this is how you meant to right it thats cool, this is just my opinion and you don't have to take it. Over all the this poem is breath taking! I loved it, great job and keep on writing!=]
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A tragic love poem indeed!
You reflect the society of today and an on going dilemma for so many people.
I must say, you took the reader step by step in your life, through your doors and exposed the heart wrenching sorrow of betrayal. Even though ironic since he IS going back to his wife, but its not a happy ending; the third party is always the person that gets hurt in the end. Which is never fair. His betrayal to his wife claimed his lover’s life in return. Cycle of life, you can never keep taking without consequence, and usually it’s brutal. (Ok I got carried away, am really moved by your story!!!)
Form a critical point of view, structure is rock solid, the flow is effortless and the ending is unfortunately realistic, solid conclusion to end your poem with.
You’ve penned this very well, great job!
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Very nicely written!! Great rhyme and flow!! Every stanza held very strong emotions. Love the last stanza!! Though it was betrayal, she still loved him a lot, to an extent that she would rather die than to live without him. The last stanza expressed this well!! Great job. Keep writing ya. Cheers
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Outstanding
This is such a sad story and you made it very real. A lot of people struggle with this sort of heartache. They say time heals but some people like the woman in this poem never recover. The rhyme was very strong and this poem had great flow. Best of luck in the contest.
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Well, for your first love poem, this is not half bad my friend. Actually, the rhyme scheme, if I'm not mistaken is, AA,BB and that's ok with me.. A heartfelt endeavor.
All the best,
mj.
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