The last breath you took near me
wasn't nearly enough to save you now,
you left without a sound
without an affectionate goodbye
and I wonder
when did such a mortality
fall into your gentle hands?
You were the different colored cloud
that every one overlooked,
cast aside into the shadows
and you blew astray
like paper in the wind.
As I look back in time
your life could have been different,
I could have saved you from the darkness then,
that completely consumes you now.
I could have found a cure
before the disease ate you alive,
but that bares me with a terrible thought,
how do you spark the flame
when all that's left is ash and ember?
I am reminded how the world
will cast you into the openness that you give it
only to hold you back from becoming
the flower you should have bloomed into.
Your mind is unfamiliar,
weak and impure
and I cannot seem to remember
the last time you were happy.
As you decay I only forget more
about who you were,
about the sun that used to shine through
your eyes,
the sun that is now coated in fear...
and I cannot face the storm today.
The rain is coming fast,
and I am not ready to saturate;
I am not ready to drown
in this puddle of insanity,
not without you.
And now that you're leaving,
I don't know what to say
for your world is a blackened sky
with no light to lead my way.
Author notes
It's not supposed to be written well, or structured, or proper. It is staggering in the way that my good friend's life is. It's spiraling down into an abyss of no return. He is leaving me and I cannot bare to look at him. And yes, I do know that November Rain is indeed a song by Guns N Roses.
Since the beginning life has been unfair to him and I only wish he could have seen the good in the world.
** Thank you all for your lovely comments and your undying support. I will be sure to show this to him when I can. This is NOT my fiance, this is an old friend of mine, Daniel. He has anorexia nervosa, a disease that is psychologically, and physically eating him alive. If you do not know what is is, please look it up here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anorexia_nervosa **
A contest entry
- Easy as Pie by Cyanide Dreams.
3250 points, ended April 17, 132 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
remember
Comments
1 - 83 of 83
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this is how i see poems. I dont believe in revising poems if you wrote the poem straight out of your head. That is what makes the poem have emotion and feeling and your poem has a lot of that in it. I wouldnt change anything. I think it is perfect
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this was such a great dedication to your friend. Theres nothing better in this world than a good friend, and you should be proud of yourself. This was a really good poem with a nice flow to it...I could really feel your emotions pour out.
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Wow, this was really good penmanship and a nice dedication. You must eally be a good friend and care for this person lots. I like that. The flow was actually pretty good and the word choice is simply amazing. I like the emotion put into it and the imagery you evoke in my mind. Good job and good luck.
Josh
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I like this.
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This is poem is incredible. Even though I do not have this disease, I feel like you are talking about me. I wonder if you would mind if I wrote a poem about my side of the rain? with reference to this poem?
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Of course you may do so with proper crediting
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This is a great poem, and it's still relateable even though I don't know the person it's about.
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I love how you took something as simple as rain, and gave it a whole new meaning. It's almost as if your not writing about rain at all. Very well done.
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And now that you're leaving,
I don't know what to say
for your world is a blackened sky
with no light to lead my way.
I love this.
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i'm glad you simply wrote with your heart
and didn't bother with poetic devices - you shared
your real voice and heart, and even though the content
is tragic, the message of love and friendship rings
like a silver bell.
Love, Lane
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Omg salt therapy i remembr u in da AP CHATROOM THE LONER
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It is amazing... well done...i am speechless
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thy words reach within that pain jagged in those edges where memories writhe...
leaving one not knowing where life's path now lead
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This is very deep, and the way you wroded it made it look like I was in the poem. Great Job.
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This is a beautiful poem and it is very emotional i feel you pain
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Powerful words that hit hard!
Brought tears to my eyes as I read through it.
I send love to your friend and to you and everyone who is affected by this illness.
Much Love xxx
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love i
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The power of the words and the emotions that run through them are what makes this poem first class. I'm sure a cold critique would reveal some of those faults you mention. I don't care about them! I care for the feelings you evoke in your reader. Excellent!
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ima cry
this is really sad.
like...really really sad.
miss lady.
i <3 you.
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aww
i love it
it totally expresses your feelings. -
after reading this i think he will return as long as he has a friend like you, this is a strong and just moving poem the captures something not a lot of people can take. A dark place that often drags people to a point where i am just happy you friend isn't there. keep it flowing and tell you friend i wish him well.
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Dripping with emotion, captivating the feeling of hopelessness one feels when affected by the grip of a diseases demons.
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I've yet to read something from you I don't like and this is no exception ... masterful is a word over used and under rated, but if ever a poem deserved that title this is it.
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While I find this genre of poetry particularly tiring as every girl 13 to 23 has a dozen or more broken hearts to bleed out on the Internet airwaves, this specific entry is surprisingly good especially in light of your admission to its hastiness. On the one hand I want to feel compassion for your beau (I suspect because you do)... but on the other hand, it seems that life is too short for manically depressed, self-absorbed, narcissists. Life is unkind to lot of people "from the beginning" but there are tens of thousands of examples of people in such circumstances showing a little grit, setting their sights on something greater than themselves and often achieving more abundant success than they ever deemed possible. While it may be noble to stand by your friend, I don't think it is the least bit selfish for you to look forward to your own future... start making your own plans... setting your own goals. I think Senator Graham from Florida was right... just too damn many whiners in the world. You've got a good vocabulary, an easy way with words, and a lot of potential. Don't ride the coattails of your beaus death spiral into your own emotional vortex. Buck up, lay the law, and either he wakes up and smells the Douwe Egbert, or he wallows in the cesspool of self pity and drowns. Sometimes sympathy and empathy and comiseration only feeds the monster.
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wow
wow you are the best writer i have ever read -
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you're way too kind :]
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omg this is sooo related to me woow you are a tgreat wrighte
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Wow. I too hope that things work our with you and your friend. There a lot of really good parts in this poem, but I think my favorite is:
"I could have found a cure
before the disease ate you alive,
but that bares me with a terrible thought,
how do you spark the flame
when all that's left is ash and ember?"
And I really appreciate the structure of it. When I first starting reading it, it seemed a bit jerky, but I could tell there was a reason after a getting a little further into it, and it worked well. I love when people make allusions, and connections, especially in style and structure. Good job.
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Well done
I loved the poem and I hope everything works out for your friend.
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Kerri, you bring to life the feelings born from true friendship. That which if held tightly enough could bring a release from all that brings sorrow in a life.
Your words show so much compassion and warmth. Knowing that the problem lives within, but knowing that with strength and commitment from all, the fututre could be much more brighter. Never lose that glimmer of hope, never surrender, never give up on someone that means so much and has been a part of lifes ups and downs.
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I'm so sorry for your friend and I hope that he is able to do better. This is really well written, your metaphors and word choices are smart and powerful. This is a great write, thanks for sharing, and best of luck to you
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A lovely write for your tragic friend. I wish I could send a cure with these words, I would if I could. I can't so I'll send a silent prayer instead. Your words reflected well the stumbling gait of a person who is ill but the meaning flowed smoothly in waves of sadness. There is good in the world, and he is a part of that good.
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"As you decay I only forget more
about who you were,
about the sun that used to shine through
your eyes,
the sun that is now coated in fear...
and I cannot face the storm today."
If my boyfriend were one to write poetry, this is probably something along the lines of what he'd say to me. Thank you for gracing us with such a beautiful and touching piece. It definitly inspires me to change a few things lately -
so sad.
no construcitive criticism needed. this is beautiful and bittersweet at the same time.
if only telling them it would be okay and they believed, the world would be a happier place.
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Awww Kerri! How lovely.
I really like the imagry, and the picture, I felt, set the mood nicly...
"The rain is coming fast,
and I am not ready to saturate;
I am not ready to drown
in this puddle of insanity,
not without you"
was probably the most interesting part. Strange, but fresh, sort of phrase
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Beautiful.I loved it.Best wishes ,Dream.
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I absolutely loved this whole thing.
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hmm
so were you inspired by the song ?
or did you just see a glimmer of its similarities after you wrote it ?
this is very powerful, and expresses their importance to you very nicely
excellent write
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It's hard to tell someone the world is beautiful - when they know it isn't.
And its hard to watch someone fall apart when you know that there is nothing that you can do.
This is a good description of that. I like that it sounds desperate and there is nothing very formal about it.
It's a great write. Well done.
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Wow... That's pretty much amazing! I'm sure your friend will appreciate this. I definately would. This is full of emotion and description and I absolutely love it! Thank you for sharing. This poem might just help him turn around. By reading this, I can tell you really care about him. Awesome job!!!
s for all your troubles & 
s just because!!
~Koko~
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Powerful
Such an intense blend of images and thoughts. I'm sorry it was not for a more uplifting source of inspiration. But it is a terrific poem
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this is so beautiful and sad
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this is one of the most moving pieces of poetry i have ever read. i don't like saying this because it seems a cliche by this point but - you brought me to tears. i dont completely know how this feels but i recognize and understand the ache and the longing for your friend who you loved. im so sorry.
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A life burned out, with no spark left, only ash and ember. Wonderfully sad words, and so helpless to save him. I lost a brother to depression and he took his life because he could not see that there was still a reason to live, that life is good, and that there was still good in mankind. A very touching poem.
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i love this!!!
i love how you wrote this, full of emotions and i can feel your honesty deep inside your heart upon writing this, i could also relate to your beautiful piece, this is so sad...but yeah life so sucks, goodbyes always exists.
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shit..this was good. You drag the words out of me, because honestly, I really dunno what to say..I guess I can kinda relate to this..' Your mind is unfamiliar, weak and impure...As you decay I only forget more about who you were' That was so powerful, you have no idea. Keep writing, because I really love this =
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It's incredible.
A very fine write. If anyone calls this hypothetical, just say it's realism! You are a FABULOUS writer, and don't you forget it! Forget the horrible people! This poem was so moving I ended up sobbing into the cat and now I'm bleeding -_-. Five stars.
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Superb plus
A very fine, and poignant write. You have my empathy. You expressed your thoughts with clarity.
Thanks for sharing this one with us. -
This is beautiful
from your reason for writing it, to the actual execution. One could be so lucky as to have a friend like you. I am especially taken with this stanza:
I am not ready to drown
in this puddle of insanity,
not without you.
so macabre yet poignant
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Sad, very sad....
This write is so sad, so pure, so human. It touched a part of my being i ALWAYS hide, even to myself. I'm not going to type anything more and spoil this poem with my comments....
Please do not revise, it's PERFECT!!!!
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that was a very good heart felt poem, im sorry for your loss and pain
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I am so moved by this poem, because I am going through something similar; you have done a great service by putting all this into words. And despite your AN, this is a very well-written piece, probably because it did flow from your heart. Blessings on you and your friend.
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This perfectly expresses the despair, confusion, and helplessness felt when a good friend is dying and you can't do a thing to save them.
The guilt when you find yourself realizing that you don't like this new, dying friend so much--because anybody would be stressed when dying.
The way you miss your old friend.
The way you want to keep your older memories and discard the new ones.
Amazing. -
You are communicating to us the feelings some of us have or will find ourselves with a dying friend or loved one...Your imagery is excellent, choice of words so moving.From beginning to end a masterpiece...a classic poem designated for the grieving and those we lose....Bravo for the write!
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this is so sad, and powerful and moving. I was brought to tears. it's such an aching piece for a friend.
-haunted -
Your trying so show where we need to help people
There is a need of care for all on certain days we all need picked up and huged and that [at on the shoulder. even just a phone call to say Hi. Often it will help us as much as the other fellow. It is better a little late the totally never...mac
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the pain it takes to watch someone that is loved sinking into themselves and away from the world is captured in this completely. While I feel no empathy or sympathy for those that end up making the ultimate decision of selfishness, I do feel for the people who remain from that persons life.
Touching piece and I hope that things begin looking up soon. -
Magnificent
You've set this in the heart very well. Thought provoking, soulful, so dedicated and telling. Such a fine write.
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This is a very strong, deep piece of writing. It reminds me of my thoughts when my brother was dying (or, more accurately, killing himself from alcoholism. I'm impressed by the style and the heartfelt pain that breathes through your words.
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that was amazing you are a very good writer
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sad......beautifully written
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very touching and beautiful!!
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Wow, such heartfelt emotions for your friend, and it being written in the form of a poem makes it all the more better and meaningful. Such vivid imagery and and flawless poetic structure makes this poem worth the read. Beautifully penned! Keep it up!
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Your emotions come across wonderfully in this touching write that you have written for your friend.
Hope things get better for you and your friend.
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Bravo... fantastic poem!
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That makes me really sad. I know the feeling, and I've been on both sides. I love you and hope all goes better than you thought. Good poem btw. It isn't as crappy as you think... just not as abstract as you're used to.
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Yeah, it is terribly sad. He is in my thoughts and prayers and i'm just hoping for the best outcome. We'll know eventually. Thanks for the support. and yeah I think it's a great poem, just at the time i felt pretty shittyful. It seems to be attracting a lot of attention from people, which is good. Everyone can relate somehow. So it makes it even better.
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Gypsy was always more articulate than me when it came to commenting, and her comment below really speaks volumes about a piece which in itself, speaks volumes.
Personally i don't claim to know much about the art that is poetry, and yes, thats what it is an art, but you clearly have a talent for it, and thats apparent to anyone with half a brain, you've sculpted this piece fantastically and i offer my sincerest kudos on this piece
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This is really well done actually. The emotion is strong and it really reaches to the depths of the heart as you read it. I'm sorry you are going through this. Often we hope so much that we can save another from themself; but in reality we cannot. I like to believe that those that chose to leave us early are needed in a higher plane for a much better purpose. It doesn't make it any easier to bear. But he does know you love him; he just cannot love himself It took courage to write your feelings so purely here. It speaks volumes hun.
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This makes me want to cry. Your words speak of such sorrow, it is terrible and yet so stirring. A wonderful write. Hope all is well with you.
Chin up,
Summer Moon xx -
This makes me want to cry. Your words speak of such sorrow, it is terrible and yet so stirring. A wonderful write. Hope all is well with you.
Chin up,
Summer Moon xx -
Wow! Wow! Wow! That is really all I can say.I loved this. Thank you so much for the great and poweful read.
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This is deeply dark, emotional as the month of November seems to mark the change in our lives for the new year coming. Expecially romance! You gave me another reason to love free verse poetry all the more...this wonderful.......ennovy
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powerful
amazing write, the energy that draws the reader straight to the end is incredible... Powerful and full of imagery. My favorite lines:
"The rain is coming fast,
and I am not ready to saturate;"
The whole poem is amazing and i dont mean to single out one single line, I wouldnt change a thing..
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oh wow, this is such a beautiful piece of dedication & love!
i loved the images in this & i think the title fits perfectly.
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You show true raw emotion and pain in this and it is heartbreaking.Seein someone you care about go through so much is so hard.I know how sad and alone you must feel by this friend leaving.Their is good in the world but fot some who have been through so much it is increadibly hard to see. mmy heart goes out to you.
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Descriptive and sad, with an aching pain that won't go away.
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This is really beautiful. It is something a lot of people can relate to; it's horrible when you can't save someone you love.
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sad, beautiful, brilliant, heart-wrenching. the references to storms/rain/clouds was brilliant. i know how you feel, i really do - just hang in there for your friend. he needs you. have faith.
luv pandorea
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this made me want to cry... it reminds me of all the people I've tried to help, but couldn't
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This poem brought tears to my eyes Kerri, its so beautifully done.
this was my favorite part:
"As you decay I only forget more
about who you were,
about the sun that used to shine through
your eyes,
the sun that is now coated in fear...
and I cannot face the storm today."
i guess i can just relate to that stanza as my grandfather had cancer, and in his last remaining days, he just didnt seem the same and i forgot who he was all together. anyways this like all of your work was amazing. it didnt need to be structured or proper, its raw emotion is what made it so great.
i know you are going though a hard time, and i will always be here for you, if ever you need anything, i'll keep your friend in my thoughts and all you can do now is be there for him.
I love you Kerri
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This is an amazing poem. You did an incredible job of expressing yourself here. The emotion is so strong in this. I feel sorrow, pain and devastation from this. Your poem has struck a very personal chord in me. I have recently lost someone who means the world to me. I watched his decline and I was so helpless to stop it. It was torture. Your poem desrcibes exactly what I felt during the last year of his life. So sorry for what you and your friend are going through.
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if he has you as a friend, he already has experienced some of the good in the world. Keep your head up. He needs you now...more than ever.
The poem was a beautiful betrayal of what he is going through, though I'm not one for prayer, I will keep him in mine. ily kerri. Brillantly done.
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