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Asymmetric soul, stuck in a perfect circle

The freedom of the falling leaves
Destined to rot in unity
With all the rain and soil that is awaiting them

A house of cards, burnt to the ground
Queens and knaves scattered all around
Aces to ashes, all piling up in a pit

The symmetry’s unstoppable
Lemon ink turns invisible
Unsteady candles in the wind
Can’t make you reappear

The only thing illogical
Are our souls, intangible
Maybe I could make sense of it
If your words were still here

A cloud hovers above our heads
We watch it and we place our bets
That two of those white flakes might be identical

The diamond, leaking rainbow light
Only to turn black in the night
Lost and washed down the gutter, once the chain was ripped

The circle is unbreakable
Too perfect to be possible
Maybe I could hold on to it
If your hands were still there

The only thing acceptable
Is engraved in its inner shell
I know, I could make out the words
If your light still was near

It keeps on turning much too fast
Maybe I can make this fall last
My memories, a parachute
Just have to spread them out

And once I crash out of this world
I’ll be an alien, madly hurled
Out by the whirlwind of something
I couldn’t grasp

But don’t look for me
You know, I’ll be happy

Author notes

I've been listening to Bright Eyes' "Digital ashes in a digital urn" album lately. This is heavily inspired by it. And I'm very proud of it. ^^

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 18 of 18

  • Symphony
    February 20

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    Very complex write here, I felt that I had to go back and read it again, as though I hadn't grasped enough understanding from the first reading -

    I think, that this poem was a little disjointed; each separate verse was very strong in imagery and descriptions, but between some of the stanzas, I felt like there was no connection, or, if it was there, it was a very thin line -

    Thanks for entering


  • Ryno
    November 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I thought that the images and the similes/metaphors depicted were ingeniously creative, and powerful; they really made out strong imagery into the piece.

    I feel that the starting of this write was much stronger then the ending, because the ending shifted into more of a cliche area.

    I also feel as though you didn't put enough connections between some of the images, like, they didn't match up to make the story as well as you could've done.

    And then there were a couple, smaller things that are more just personal likes and dislikes of mine For example, with "white flakes" I didn't see a reason to veer away from just saying snowflakes there, as it would've been stronger. And, a really personal opinion; I think pieces like this look better left-alligned.

    All that said, however, I think that the goodness of this poem really conertacts those minor things. Like, your bold emotion, strong flow and moving story.

    Well penned


    • fleur-de-lys
      November 23, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Now I'm feeling a bit humbled. ^^ Thank you for your extensive review and criticism. Yeah, I guess the ending is a bit cliché... but I like a bit of cliché now and then. I tried to read it out loud with "snowflakes" and didn't sound as good as white flakes, but to each their own.
      Once again, thank you. Keep up the good work!


  • Ryno
    November 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    feeling it
    ~prewrites, come and get them


  • Overcast
    November 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    As you should be ("I'm very proud of it.")!
    Stunning imagery ,there :"Unsteady candles in the wind
    Can’t make you reappear".
    And I loved the play of words in "Aces to ashes, all piling up in a pit.."
    A truly lovely write.Keep the good stuff coming!


  • wingsofgold25 silver member
    November 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A very well written piece. I enjoyed reading it.
    Thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest.
    Ed.


  • Megan Awesome
    November 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow thank you for entering my contest and good luck!!!
    Megan


  • trekkergirl
    November 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for sharing this interesting write. I appreciate it. This is a nice write. And thanks for entering it into my contest. I do appreciate it.


  • Kristine86
    November 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    very interesting!! i like your style, great imagery!! thanks for sharing & good luck in the contests!

  • michaeline
    November 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is very deep.You should be proud of it.You have a unique style of writing and I like your thoughts in this.your words were not forced and glided across the page alost effortlessly.There in my opinion is nothing that needs to be revised here.you chose your wording just right.I can see that you took your time on this and that it is something you feel passionately about.great job on this poem.Good luck on the contest.


    • fleur-de-lys
      November 5, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you. ^^ You should check out Conor Oberst / Bright Eyes if you like the style.


  • isabellacohen
    November 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    unique write

    I found your writing unique and interesting.
    I can understand why your proud of it.
    Best wishes for the contest,

    Love,
    Isabella

1 - 18 of 18