I feel like there is a shadow,
hovering over me night and day.
Theres nothing i can do about it,
what am i sopposed to say?
Go away?
All the times ive been with you
the cloud of dust woud lift,
and i was free to run around
Dance and dream and drift.
When the moon is full
the world is open,
its icy, cold and clear.
The same sensation i get
when your standing right next to me,
and you whisper in my ear.
Now that your gone,
the haze reforms,
and it stings and takes me back,
to the times that we were together,
and the qualities that we lacked.
We put our weaknesses together,
and what ive come to see,
the things that we had that were special,
are still important to me.
A contest entry
- Blood Moon/Harvest Moon by aboomer.
700 points, ended November 10, 2008, 25 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Has this put an impact on your disision?
Comments
-
for editing purposes:
line 3 - should be 'there's'
line 4 - 'supposed'
line 12 - 'clear'
line 17 - do you mean 'haze'?
line 21 - we put OUR weaknesses..
(in your constructive criticism notes - the word should be 'decision'
just a few corrections for you, to make this more 'presentable'....
I like the depth of emotion/feeling in this - your wording and images are relatable to most, i think, so that is well-done. I think with just a bit of editing, this could be a much more powerful write.
Thank you for your entry. Best wishes in the contest.
-
Well you did it again. Not to worry, as it is a good thing. I always admire your endings where you bring it all together so well
As I read I thought about and felt what you were saying. You have a gift of expression and if I read enough of your poetry, you may yet teach even me how to write a love poem!
Sincerely, I like your poems that I have read. Good luck in the contest Jane
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