you won't understand.

once upon time you placed me carefully next to the stars, you made me yours. wished upon my pale skin. but i was never a star, and each bit of faith you placed in me felt heavier than a thousand anchors. i turned into something gaudy, tacky, unsatisfying. i couldn't make any of it come true and you didn't want to see me fail you like everyone else so you left. i don't care what anyone says it takes a while to climb down off a pedastal even though i tripped halfway down. i looked up and wished to be one again anyway even after i felt the pressure of a thousand ages. i lived light years through your love and i will never forget that summer or the way your eyes glowed in the dark that last time. i can't blame you anymore but i can say i wish you had kept me right by you. you were the sand slipping through my fingers but i still tried to glue the hourglass to the table.

you placed me in the clouds and lay with me there. but my mouth was too jagged, cutting through every lie you had surrounded yourself with. you got so caught up in how rough i felt compared to them, when before all you could ever talk about was the feel of me against you. how you felt at home. i didn't smell like rain, only a spell of love, and you left me to find the sun.

but once i had been the sun too, crowning your head like a glorious mantra. you told me i shone brighter than any smile in your life and you could have kept me for years. but you tried to lock me up in your wooden box, to keep me from the world, to keep me from myself. the truth is, even the sun dances out of the sky sometimes, and when i became your moon all you saw was the darkness and it terrified you to the point of breaking. i saw that you were too tied tightly to me and too proud to let go so i took the knife carefully and cut along the dotted lines. and even though it was for the best you blamed me. you had the nerve to sit there and tell me.

i've seen myself reflected in a thousand dark pupils. i've found myself laced through a thousand hearts. i've heard myself whispering through the cracks in a thousand pairs of lips and felt myself in the lines of a thousand different skins. but no one can love like they've never been broken because we all have been. what is it? i had hope that i could find something worth so much more. disappointment hurts in such a beautiful way, that moment of clarity when you look down at yourself and see all the people who've been brave enough to tough you in some way. in the end though i don't think no one knows how to take that final step. it takes a lot of courage. i'm sorry i can write about it but i still don't know how to leap off the cliff and land into your arms.

you are so beautiful in my eyes, your slow easy smile, the way your breaths heave when you sleep. i work so hard for you so live accordingly. you're a beautiful person.

i'm too proud to beg for you to see me as what i'd give you, but too weak to walk away entirely. once i thought you had the knife. but now i see i had the knife all along and when it comes to use it, i won't blame you or hang my head. i'll use it and feel proud to have the memories of our kisses, our lips raw with love. i will always remember us as we were then: infinite.