He taught heart to breathe
while he brought her
to her knees--
inhaling passion
only to exhale despair
and he swore he would rise
between splinters
of shattered spine,
while battered beliefs
brought cries to her eyes.
He whispered of worth
as sorry's spittle
dribbled downwards,
torturing tresses
with his ill-informed tongue
and she shook as she looked
for lesser release,
finding peace
between each blame
praying that her name
wouldn't be forgotten.
He rose in the East,
shining superior survival
upon her ever-fading crown,
jading those visions
where pain's incisions now stayed
and closed cavities crumbled
behind love's fallen feet,
as his echoes grew ever still
and there on her knees
where grief gathered speed...
submission found sorrow
in black and blue hues,
as physicalities formed
their own facade.
A contest entry
- Make this THE largest Contest EVER on AP [enter, enter, enter!] by Symphony.
18000 points, ended April 28, 1011 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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Yikes - I nearly found myself holding my breath while reading this one so full was it of suspense and mystery, and can I say now that I really like the way you never came out and said stuff like "he was abusing her", or "she was lost for love" or the 'normal' way of saying - instead, you showed, showed in brutal visualities, and often creepy descriptions - such as sorry's spittle dribbling downwards - but oh so effective.
Favourite part had to be,
"inhaling passion
only to exhale despair"
So true, and easy to imagine - any situation like that where you breathe in in hope, and then let out despair - awesomely said!
Thanks for entering
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Brilliant! Full of emotions! Would write more, but don't have a lot of time! Keep it up! Great piece!
Lillie
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This is full of emotions, and I love it!! The passion, and angst is brilliant. The beginning confused me a little though, the very first line you wrote, "He taught heart to breath" Then I read the rest of the stanza and I was thinking maybe you meant "He taught her to breathe"??? I don't know I'm probably just slow at realizing that heart is what you meant. but it through me all off and I just thought I'd bring it to your attention incase it was a typo.
The second stanza was my favorite the lines just were so inspiring. inhaling and exhale for some reason no one else pairs things like that (or if they do I just don't see it!) and the imagery "ill-formed tongue, finding peace between each flame, unpon her ever fading crown" I loved your use of it. This was a very great poem, keep up the good work!! (sorry for sending a comment as a book haha!) -Pammi -
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"heart" in the opening line was originally "her", but with it also being on the next 2 lines, not only was it an eye-sore, but it also hindered the overall flow. The opening statement was an important one and therefore had to be just right
Thankyou for your comment and for reading my poem.
Just Me
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i really like it its sad but not to sad
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My attention was held in place through the whole poem. I even went back and reread lines to make sure I didn't miss anything. This is a wonderful piece. Good luck in the contests.
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This is a rarity. I can relate to this through every line start to finish. It's like I was there in those moments reliving it all over again. I'll have to ponder this one a bit. Such vivid imagery, it was incredible. Good luck to you in the contests, you are amazingly talented.
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wow... im glad i read this.. kind of sets on some drk mood.... I can see the depth in your words and the subtle darkness.. well done... good luck in the contest!
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I agree..this poem..has lovely layers and textures to enjoy.
if you took out your poetic paint brush...there's still
some lovely colors you could ...lightly touch....
to increase it's power.
I truly enjoyed this poem!
well done! well done!
ears/Seattle
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A dramatic piece. Reminds me of one narrating it sort of like a play. I love the opening lines of this. It has the old world/classic feel to it that gives an edge to grab your attention. Nicely done
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what can I say about this? simply that its amazing.
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A lovely ambrosia of nouns and verbs with a plentitude of adjectives to give color to the mix. A smattering of rhyme increases the appeal but neither cheapens nor overwhelms the underlying tone and form. Interesting too that "he" and "she" might be small as microbes or large as galaxies... perhaps "they" are figments of personification, or possibly human. The poet allows the reader to come to the poem on their own scale--in their own universe of size and time.
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And there on her kneese
Where grief gathers speed
How very deliciously dark, and tantilisingly good
This is a very high quality write, with a feeling of anticipation about it from first till last. I like it very much indeed. thanks for an excellent read
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I loved the whole poem, but my favorite part is...
"inhaling passion
only to exhale despair"
"He rose in the East,
shining superior survival
upon her ever-fading crown,
jading those visions
where pain's incisions now stayed
and closed cavities crumbled
behind love's fallen feet,
as his echoes grew ever still
and there on her knees
where grief gathered speed."
great write...Good luck in the contest!
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true ,very true ... all the life and feeling of 'she ' very well expressed
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The whole thing is excellent -- but I did have favorite parts.
"He rose in the East,
shining superior survival
upon her ever-fading crown,
jading those visions
where pain's incisions now stayed"
This is pure genius.
And the ending is sensational.
You are truly amazing, and so is your poetry.
You have such a control of what you are writing; the syntax and diction was precisely used.
Even with lots of depth to this, you have blending abstractions with emotions, and that is what makes this so powerful.
Loved it.
--And I've read some great poetry this past week, but this is by far the best I have read in months.
I'll be shocked if this doesn't win at least honorable mention...it's too good to just leave astray, unrecognized. But that is just my opinion.
Good luck in the contest. <3
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This is a very amazing write, and I love the sort of all-encroaching reality of it, meaning that this could be about any number of things, and can conform itself and fit the mold of so many different emotions and specific situations, that it gives you such a wide audience. And that is very admirable. The poem was enjoyable, and the slant-y meter-style was nice, and made it easy to read, and didn't mask any of the points of the story, and it made it that much more stark and real. Thank you for sharing this with us. ^_^
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penetrating
powerful and penetrating,
I felt sad reading your poem
"jading those visions
where pain's incisions now stayed"
i could relate to these lines.
A very raw poem. It made me think.
Thank you,
Warm wishes,
Isabella
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strong work, poet.
"and she shook as she looked
for lesser release,
finding peace
between each blame"
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omg, i could never write something like this. even though there isn't a story, it allows the reader to make their own story, but the feeling stays the same. this is the best poem i've read all day. Keep writing, i'll be reading.
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I dnt even know what to say except for excellent.......This poem made me think of a very emotional time in my life when i had people leave me without reason.when i felt not loved enough, when i felt oi was not worthy of anything....keep writting coz uv got it.nice combination,great choice of words, excellent rhyme and rhythm.Its just heart penetrating.....
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Between physical and emotional agony is this submission and so very well done. C
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Excellent
A very fine write, indeed. Seems to be filled with pathos. 'tis a very descriptive piece. Thanks for sharing it with us. -
I really got caught up in this write. I even went back to read it again.
"He rose in the East,
shining superior survival
upon her ever-fading crown,
jading those visions
where pain's incisions now stayed
and closed cavities crumbled
behind love's fallen feet,
as his echoes grew ever still"
Thank you for entering & Good luck!
debbie
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This is so sad.The loss of one you love is devastating.Your writing on this shows raw emotion and such pain.Also shows alot of passion.I responded to this as if I had lost my love and what it would be like.Also thought about the passionate times that we had.You did a great job on this.I do like your choice of title.The first and last lines brought it all together I think.
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"Inhaling passion only to exhale despair"...I love that line and it is only one of many that tell this metaphorical story. I loved the allusions to sunrise and the title was perfect. As usual you used alliteration and personification well, and your formatting set the pace for the reader. The final stanza "submission found sorrow in black and blue hues" avoided the cliche of "bruised" but made the same point. I loved it and hated it...the mark of a wonderful emotional poem. Good luck in this contest. Peace, Liz
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Thankyou
Nijole
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This is so painful to read, because you write so well and we can feel both the emotional and physical feelings of abuse and battering. While I always hope the author is writing about a fictional experience, my own background suggests that the poem reveals reality... so sad.
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On her knees, how she got there, perhaps what it really meant; submission to a sense of reality. Expectation seems to betray the stated ideas, as is often the case conceptual metaphor like a doorway to a place where things are not clear or easily resolved...but simply seen, realized... very rich and expressive verses here...thoughtful and depth in these ideas...tinged with sadness but also strength to face things... excellent ...PK
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Thankyou, your feedback and perceptions are welcomed greatly here.
The betrayal of the stated ideas was within the overall metaphor - where physical agony became the metaphor for emotional agony.
Nijole
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Powerful write... to me this speaks of an abusive relationship or love leaving ... tis a sad tale
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...tis indeedy
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