I’ve spoken to those voices that seemed sympathetic,
teasing me to use something quite prosthetic.
I’m driven under sedated power,
Lips are burnt, throat tasting sour.
Timidly I approach to those sweet voices,
Which prompt up many choices;
I am indulged by such malignant laughter,
“you’re the one I’m coming after.”
As soon as I break free from the spell,
I see myself trapped by some sort of cell;
Made from black fog and humid air,
I cry for help, but I know no one’s there.
My pledges you ignore, my life you desire,
You rip my skin open, my wounds are dire.
I search for the voices direction,
But It's only waiting for my dissection.
I’m drowning in a well of endless pain,
My lips are burnt, my heart sores in disdain.
Weak and powerless by his side,
I’m left to be condemned, on this carnival ride.
Author notes
Option 5
XXVampireeyesXX
A contest entry
- Take Me to the Dark Side by Paloszoo.
700 points, ended November 13, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Never Again Will This Hurt Me
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
I really enjoyed this write. Nice flow and rhyme! Thanks for entering my contest. I'm honored to have you share your work here. Good luck!
-
Ok. I want to know what has got your muse cranked up. This is a very good poem. I was hooked on the first stanza:
I’ve spoken to those voices that seemed sympathetic,
teasing me to use something quite prosthetic.
I’m driven under sedated power,
Lips are burnt, throat tasting sour.
The rest of the poem was more great writing.
Very well done, cuz.
Mike
-
-
honestly.. i think its depression thats got me so into writing lately... thanks for the reading.. much appreciated
I'm glad you liked!
-
-
Hey partner! heh
This is a much personal poem for you, I can see your own depression deeply in this poem, though completely other subjects i can feel your true emotions of being trapped in pain. I am too, I don't show it because I have to be strong, but I'm breaking more and more everyday with all the constant bad things putting me down. I can relate to this alot but I have a few suggestions for the rhyme:
"I search for the voices direction,
But I’m only lost in this damnation."
That is good but it would sound better if you changed the second line rhyme, direction and damnation don't rhyme too well and are kinda forced so maybe changing it to.
"I search for the voices direction,
But It's only waiting for my dissection"
just as dark but isnt forced.
"Weak and powerless by his side,
I’m left to be condemned, I’m left here to die."
those lines are kinda cliche more so the last one so maybe think of changing it to something like;
"Weak and powerless by his side,
I’m left to be condemned, on this carnival ride"
I dont know lol. hope your surviving!
Love you!
~
~
~ Kitty xxx
-
-
aww thanks partner... lol what would i do witohut u? lol yea i was kindasleepy and my head was a blur so i wrote what i could mke out off and posted but thanks those lines sound very good and yea... im gald you read between it tho... i tried to make it ficional lol apparently it doenst work lol
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
