Windfall Notes, For Real This Time

golden rain
falls from above
getting in the eyes

First, if I were told I was about to receive $500,000, I would probably fall over and be dizzy for a while. Then I would be deeply skeptical because I'm generally not that lucky. But I am a generous person myself and I know if I had that kind of cash to throw around I'd probably be that generous with it, so if the check or whatever actually did show up and make good, I'd be extremely grateful, to say the least. I could really use it right now. There would probably be crying and impulsive hugging if the person responsible could be physically reached and to hell with male dignity.

Medical expenses and fixing my car would be the first things I'd do. My car is... functional, but it needs a couple of parts to be truly considered "in good shape" and I'm worried about it dying on me because I can't afford to replace them or have them installed. Second, I have to pay for medicine for pain and mental health issues I can detail these if you like but I don't know if you want to slog through the specifics of my personal sob story. Let me know if you do. My medicines are very expensive... even if I could afford health insurance, it would end up costing me $100 a month for my pain pills, plus anywhere from $400 to $600 a month for my other medicines depending on what exactly is going on with my health at any given time.

my wallet:
always emptied
before it's filled.

The rest would be used to move out of my mother's house and get my caretaker/partner and I established in a small place somewhere, somewhere we could afford to live on caretaker's wages after paying for the place itself from our savings. Anything left would go into savings to be used for emergencies and ongoing medical expenses. My long-term goal is to somehow make that scenario happen even if I don't get a windfall... it's what I have to do in order to fully heal myself. Right now I have so much stress, so much I have to do and keep up with, that it's all I can do to just barely keep squeaking along in improvement. I need somewhere I can retreat to let the glue set, so to speak, and to repair myself so I can finally be healthy again. I know it's possible, I know I can fix myself, if only I have the time and the place to go.

A windfall would make possible what amounts to a pipe dream right now. We're working as hard as we can to make what we need happen, but it's so slow right now and sometimes I feel like it's not worth it because I'm never going to make it anyway. I know now though that if I just keep sending out the right data, the other quarks will remember and start responding how I want them to, and then things will get better. I just have to keep moving. Like a shark, to give up would be death.

there are no fish
in the water today, yet
the shark still swims.

Oh, I just thought of something. I wish I had thought of it at the time but it's very important. I have a close friend who suffers from HepC and Lyme Disease with brain involvement. My brother has inflammatory arthritis and my mother's health is a wreck, plus she owes a lot of money to creditors thanks to her soon-to-be-ex husband. If I had resources like that, I would do my best to help all of them, too. I was thinking about it again just now and I realized that most of the time I worry more about my family and friends than my partner and myself, so even though I took the question to be what I would do with it *for myself*, it has to be noted that I would use at least half of it on those closest to me who need help as well.

only as strong
as its most loyal member:
the pack.