Forbidden are these jewels
In the homes of those who hold nothing but of fools
Who’s minds wander in the presence of greed
In return their souls live off only dirt to feed
Beholding the remark of their luxurious egos
A scar that will keep them forevermore,
withdrawing their thoughts through their own vetoes
Their diamonds radiating cruel plague to their souls
Intriguing death into their hearts hallow holes
Their hands shake with the shock of beholding their own lives
What they thought could never break, shatters among the cries
The cries of the innocent and humble,
The humanity of all, which their egos have left to crumble
Moving in time, their diamonds left behind
Their souls wander lifeless, demons are the only ones who are kind
Then bewildered they notice, their lives have come to an end,
Too late for them to charm some mends
They look down into their withering hands
Which hold nothing but dirt, their hearts’ only remaining strands
Their ghostly faces break in awe, as their once so happy shallow oasis’s fall
So as your life goes on, remember to turn around
Let your souls be the beholders
Kill the ego, lean on love’s shoulders
Love, is the only true diamond that can never fall
Hold your head high with happiness, always stand tall
Author notes
"..Dirt for Diamonds.."
A contest entry
- Abstract Poetry #31 -Dirt For Diamonds- by The Cube.
500 points, ended November 5, 2008, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Can you cheer me up? by Forgotten Lilith.
406 points, ended November 29, 67 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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A little too sappy for me personally at the end, but I like the second to last line in the fist verse. It in and of itself made your poem very good. You had great flow, only I would suggest breaking up the lines in the first verse to make smaller stanza. Actually, if you just cut out the second verse, this poem would be much better - just my opinion. So because you wrote a rad poem, here a an applause. Thank you for entering. Best wishes.
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Excellent
Congrats in order for your gold. An excellent poem, but do have to agree with Dr. Cube on pink font background of pink. It throws off this wonderful write. Haley27
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Thank you=]
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This was an excellent piece and I must say one of the best I have seen in a while. a litle hard for me to read pink on pink but oh well. As far as grammer and the need for periods here and there, I am not the kind of critique that goes by that when judging poems. With or without a period a poem will have its depth all on its own just in words. I think that without the period, the reader can decide when to begin and end sentences, and in a sense, make the poem their own. More appealing to how they would read it anyway.
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Thank you very much, and thank you for the gold=]
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I would have to agree with Lindaburns as I too had trouble understanding where new sentences start. The "." is a good tool. (Hehe, don't actually know the english word for it
The Linestopper tool.
Also I'm not a very big fan of the long stanza thing, dividing it up in several stanza would make the content easier to understand in my opinion.
There is definitely a good flow to this piece, but I'm missing out on some of it due to the "." thing I think.
And that is my critique of it.
As the unmaterialistic guy I am, I must say I really enjoyed reading this. If it wasn't posted for revision I would have just enjoyed the write. -
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Thank you=]
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On the chance that you want a really, constructive review, I’m going to give you one.
My first thought is that I don’t know where your new sentences start. In the first line, I can’t tell what jewels you mean. (that may be answered later) In the 2nd line I think you’re saying “In the homes that hold nothing but fools” 3rd line Who’s = Whose. Maybe “Whose minds wander through the halls of their greed (we’re still talking about ‘homes’ here)
seeking nourishment, their souls have only dirt on which to feed.
OK. This is hard. Especially when I’m not really sure what you want. Tell me if this is what you want and I will continue if you want me to. Keep in mind that my vantage point is different than yours and my suggestions are just that. My opinions are MY opinions and you are in no way bound by them. Let me hear from you. If you want to.
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thank you so much for you constructive review! the lines you offered are amazing! The main concept of the poem is how greed can take one over, all in all, they receive "dirt for diamonds", dirt being the result of their egos and the diamonds are their egos.
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