They roll on, down to places of tomorrow's threads
turning to light the darkness
and to light the heaviness
that tugs upon our heads.
Then, further still into something new
that rests where we once were
when I was one with you,
in the days of streams flowing to oceans
and longings passing through.
But now I return to those places,
beneath the shaded trees
to find that nothing is what it was
and that your love has moved.
Author notes
-thefallout
A contest entry
- Class, Sophistication, and Quality by Luken.
1100 points, ended November 12, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Before anything else, thank you for entering this contest!
I enjoyed the sense of retrospect in this. It showed how everything (even if promised forever) moves on... which runs on the exact tracks of the prompt.
The way you positioned your stanzas also created an image of a river- just barely.
As for feedback:
In your first line, first stanza, you referred to "They." It's very vague. Substituting "they" for what you're actually talking about would strengthen this poem to a greater extent. (If you really think about it, "they" could be a number of things- it just depends on how you interpret it.)
Good luck in the contest!
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the last point that you made is exactly why I used the word "they"...a large part of my poetry is made to be something that hits a person where they are at. So, "they" can be whoever or whatever matches your moment.
-Thefallout
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We would like to request for you to reread our rules and make changes accordingly.
If they are not made by Thursday, this entry will be disqualified. -
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I've read them several times, and see nothing out of place.
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Your option is in the poem.
Remove it.
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