To an old friend...A long ago dead friend.

Its a bit past the time when I should have said this.
Maybe by a month or so...
But I have to say this.
I can't start being okay until I just let you know.

That I'm totally, completely, 100 percent done with you.
This friendship.
This lie I wont let go of.
This bullshit history of messing around in class.
Taking artsy pictures by the river in the fall.
I'm totally done with laughing at everything.
At sitting around for hours making up dreams
And plans that I know were never going to happen.
At least not with you.

And maybe it is too late for us now.
I understand that.
I spent a whole YEAR trying to avoid that truth.
Trying to pretend that our conversations weren't really empty.
Trying to force that fact that I couldn't stand to even look at you right out of my head.
And maybe I've given up.
But I'm not the only one who gave up.
You gave up first.
I held on.
Look, my handprints are still bruised onto your arms.

So now its over.
I won't say that sometimes I dont miss you.
The way you used to laugh at random things.
The way you made funny faces to make me stop crying.
The way your shoulder was ALWAYS there when I couldn't hold my head up anymore.
But even when I remember all of that
It doesnt let me forget how you gave up.

Which makes me be okay with how I gave up.
Which took a long time.
And now that I can finally be okay with our friendship being over.
Our BEST friendship ending.
Our "I'll always be here no matter what" companionship, dying.

I can just go on with what I knew had to happen at some point.
I'm going to keep on keeping on.
Without you.