I am lost and losing it...
I feel all crumpled up like a foil gum wrapper
that's been crammed in the pocket of life's levis.
Nobody took the time to care if I was okay, being
just jammed in there like that with a few coins
and a flyer advertising a needle exchange joint.
Does it really matter? I guess not to you anyway!
Not with your fancy dreams about silver-service
and riding shotgun in a black limousine, while you
try out for a part in a black comedy about white
christmas and color-coded nights in hollywood.
You're going nowhere good my sweet Mary-Jane.
When he's finished with you he'll toss you away
and you'll lie there all confused, like a broken
barbi doll discarded on the floor of the family car.
I remember when we first saw this city shining
in the light of a new day, through the windows
of a threadbare magic carpet, they call Greyhound.
We thought we were going to taste it all, didn't we?
But the lights have dulled at night and even the sickly
sunlight sheds little light on dreams best forgotten.
I'm too proud to beg and I can't make the Greyhound
ticket price, so I'll wait here for you on the corner.
Another piece of flotsam on the street of illusions.
A contest entry
- Rock My World…Take Me Too All Limits by Debbie Hansman.
600 points, ended November 9, 2008, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Win $50, and be published in the next Allpoetry Book! Relationships theme by Kevin.
400 points, ended March 5, 115 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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This has a very journal-like feel to it, and less poetry, mostly because it reads non-refined to me. It's wordy. If you took out some of those superfluous words, you'd have a stronger poem with a stronger point. Less is sometimes SO much more. Thanks for entering, but not exactly what I'm looking for.
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Indeed all that glitters is not gold.
It is all too often that are hopes and dreams are dashed by temptation and a simply turn of path.
This is moving and heartfelt. So pleased to see recognition for this wonderful write. Well done. ~Pamela
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this piece is great... been there done that... although no matter how bad things have gotten ive never made it to the street corner even if it meant hitching for days on end.
congrats on the trophy
hugs,
georgie,
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This is an awesome piece. The images you weave with your words is great.
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i know a few people who need to read something like this a strong and honest poem, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest
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there is definitely some strength and heartbreak in this piece...good luck in the contest
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Loved the contemporary feel of this write! I think we've all felt discarded like that at times!
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Melancholy defined...
Wishing you all the best in the contest!!
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A very deep poem that I am sure many will be able to relate to, searching for that dream only to discover it has evaporated.
An excellent, but sad poem.
All the best
Suzie Q
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there was so much in this that was very origional in its thinking
i like different
i like clever
thank you for commenting on my work.
this was very good
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The imagery you have used is very amazing. I found myself going back to read it again.
You really do know how to express yourself in depth.
Wonderful job!
Thank you for entering & Good luck!
debbie
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golly dang gee whizzzzzzzz this is very very good.
you amaze me John you really do I wish I could write like this.
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lovely imagery
especially the forgotten foil wrapper and the barbie doll. which always turn into such a major nuissance afterwards. either clogging up a washing machine or breaking a kid's heart
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I enjoyed this very deep poem.... you cant feel any more worthless or forgotten about than that piece of foil.
I could feel this poem as I read it... and the emotions it conjures. Brilliant!
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I am lost and losing it...
I feel all crumpled up like a foil gum wrapper
that's been crammed in the pocket of life's levis.
Nobody took the time to care if I was okay, being
just jammed in there like that with a few coins
and a flyer advertising a needle exchange joint.
I remember when we first saw this city shining
...
We thought we were going to taste it all, didn't we?
But the lights have dulled at night and even the sickly
sunlight sheds little light on dreams best forgotten.
I'm too proud to beg and I can't make the Greyhound
ticket price, so I'll wait here for you on the corner.
so good
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Yes
I've never seen a better description of how I feel touring on a 30-day Greyhound bus pass than "threadbare magic carpet."
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A harsh look at a sad situation. Compelling poem.
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Quite a journey you've penned here....very graphic and sad. the last line is simply great - it has so much power. Wonderful, strong write this is!
~ Nicolette
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This well written piece brings to mind another page in the chapters fo my life. "street of illusions" is quite graphic.
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This is a very interesting and intriguing write. I like the way you mentioned illusions and the poem was very enlightening. At times during this write it was very sad and emotional.
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I feel all crumpled up like a foil gum wrapper
yeah nothing more crumpled like that. but we save it so we can use it to throw the chewed up gum. so, at least she's civic minded lol ( sorry )
a needle exchange joint ... interesting concept. you mean for junkies right?
I love the stanza with silver service and black limousine - so upper crust
threadbare magic carpet they call Greyhound ... i find that analogy so interesting
the whole poem flows so effortlessly. Like you just sat and wrote it as is. perfect in the first draft. ( i have a suspicion that that's how it happened too )
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