I lay back
mesmerized in a moment
as I feel you
shift within my womb
My heart leaps
and soars toward the sun
Creation lingers
unfinished
tasting life
thru umbilical dreams
The promise of tomorrow
swells
my heart
and cambers my abdomen
We are one
incomplete
and nonetheless
complete
fused in blood
as you stretch
softly tracing
the outline of your universe
I settle here
longing to lock time
knowing it makes no promises
But for today
I am fully
a woman
Author notes
I know this isn't finished, but I need some comments because I can't figure out why I'm not getting quite what I want.
The picture is La Palestra No. 5 by Manuel Neri 1988
A contest entry
- The Beauty of Being Unfinished by Heart Sutra.
1100 points, ended November 30, 2008, 23 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
constructive criticism is desired
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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This is a lovely poem about a beautiful moment in a woman's life. Since you asked for a critical comment, I can share that for me it might be stronger if maybe the last stanza was left off. Thank you for sharing it with the contest.
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Thank you again for the trophy, but more for the comment. I can see what you mean. I just have to decide if I should revise the (new) final line or leave it at that. Somehow "I am fully" just doesn't seem quite right. Maybe another word that says a bit more? complete? Or would that be an oxymoron? I will think about it more when I'm feeling better and I've finished judging my contest. Patti
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I don't know; I think this is beautiful just the way it is. But don't listen to other people's voices and visions ... only you know when you've said enough.
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I get where you're going with this...
but I agree it somehow is getting lost in translation. I can relate to such an awesome experience, but I think the idea needs to be stripped down to the basics in order for you to fall in love again with the initial concept. You have a lot of ideas fighting for the spotlight, maybe just highlight the unfinished part of you through the experience? -
some constructive criticism
It's beautiful, although I think
My heart leaps
and soars toward the sun
could be taken out. It sounds more like the sort of excitement you would get swinging on a swingset than feeling your baby move in you.
I lay back
mesmerized in a moment
Perhaps change "a" to "the" or "this" to focus more on one specific moment within the pregnancy when you feel the baby move within you.
thru umbilical dreams
"through"
Overall, the poem is very descriptive and it flows well
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a few ideas
yes the basic is good, the flow a tad off but a few minor tweaks should set it aright! Some opined suggestions:
The promise of tomorrow
swells
my heart
and cambers my abdomen
move 'my heart' to the second line
'camber' does not seem, to me, to be fitting here. Perhaps another word, maybe even use swells there and use another word for heart: soften, lightens, brightens, ensnares... idk.
next part:
We are one
incomplete
and nonetheless
complete
perhaps a colon after one and remove the word and in line three and tighten this entire thing up a tad, maybe remove line three and move up complete and add another thought, such as yet .
We are one:
incomplete
yet complete
an unfinished symphony
finally the last part:
I settle here
longing to lock time
knowing it makes no promises
But for today
I am fully
a woman
add the word in before time?
the third line is awkward, shorten it a bit, maybe to Time that makes no promises
and remove But from the 5th line here, may capitalize the For and then perhaps replace fully with entirely or some other word? last line, remove 'a'.
ok so much for my opinions, overall good going, hope something i have given appeals to you!
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i dont know, i like how you ended it actually. the only thing i can think of (and its not my original thought) is what nookie said, the birth hasnt taken place yet, so it seems incomplete.
the words and the feelings are beautiful.
-andi -
It's not finished because it seems that the birth has not taken place yet, you should finish it after the birth (I assume you are still pregnant) then you will have more exciting things to say and its like we will all be going through the pregnancy with you!
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I like "softly tracing the outline of your universe" because it creates such a visual. It really paints a picture.
Adding your comment:
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