It was [for the record] a spontaneous meet
Each did not know of the others heartbeat
As we did walk on, our future did we delete
Of our own mistrust we continued to tread concrete
And as we passed one another in utter defeat
Each was cursing our self-mistreat
A contest entry
- ~Breaking up is hard to do...Come one Come all and Enter by angels of the night.
705 points, ended November 24, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Imagery, Emotion, Imaginatinon by Commodore Rouge.
1050 points, ended November 30, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - round one (for everyone) prewrite contest ENTER ENTER ENTER (AND YES THAT MEAN'S YOU too by serenity silvermoon.
927 points, ended February 16, 1509 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Tell me what you think?
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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For a poem on the shorter side, you did very well. The rhyme is good, as it doesn't sound forced. One thing I noticed though was the use of "did", which --correct me if I'm wrong-- is passive. I understand that some things are hard to rhyme, especially if it's more than a couple lines you're working with, but if you tried going back and revising for arrangement of phrasing, and perhaps consulting a rhyming dictionary --without making it look obvious-- you might find that to be to your advantage. Just a thought though. Thanks for entering the contest.
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EAch cursing our own self-mistreat. Wow. Very short poem but it speaks volumes! Good luck in our contest. ~Sie
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Best of luck with the contest.. nice write.
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i know exactly what you mean and your poem expresses it so eloquently. i'll have a similar moment forever in my memory. thanks for putting it into words...
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very good
Good rhyme,quite enjoyable. good luck in the contest.
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Super poem!
Very good poem -- from the heart! Good luck in the contest! -
Very Nice!
Very interesting take on "missed opportunity?" Or is there something else behind this short poem? This poem is well written, uses an image that is at once surprising and also appropriate! The wording is quite good, but your message is a little unclear to me! In my opinion, this poem shows a lot of poetry talent and is a very good work!
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yes...a missed oppurtunity exactly
i daresay it is a bit personal
it is about two people who pass eachother without second look, although many a thought they posses...and afterwards regret it
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Great
Makes you think of what could have happened. It's wonderful and very thought provoking.
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very interesting
A nice monorhyme. well done on a thought provoking subject. Well done.
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very tactfully executed
I like the short and sweet poems when the words can make a vivid impact...and they do
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Welcome to Allpoetry
Hi there
This is a great little write, very short and sweet, though the sentiment is definitely there. You didn't miss a spot!
My one suggestion to you: The last two lines don't really make sense, since both 'discreet' and 'self-mistreat' are used incorrectly. I think you meant to say 'defeat' for the first one, and the second should be 'self-mistreatment', though it would mess up your rhyming a bit. Possibly consider rephrasing, or using a word that's a tad easier to rhyme (ps: don't use 'orange'
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In all, though, I understood what you meant, and I still enjoyed this plenty. Welcome aboard, and please feel free to ask me any questions you may have
Write on!
Laura
Site Greeter
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Thanks so much for your suggestions, i need to think about them deeper, currently im overwhelmed by thoughts and inspirations so i'll put it aside for now.
All constructive critism is more than welcome.
I've just recently decided to start and write poetry . It looks like a useful tool for me to let out my emotions and delelop some of my creativity in thinking.
thanks.
peace -
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Hey, there's no rush; just take your time, and I'll be here if you ever need to talk I hope that you continue sharing your poems with us.
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nice peom
nice poem
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this is a very good poem, its sweet, and relates to a relationship. good luck in the contest
angels of light
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