i dreamt i drank you
so you could no
longer be of reach.
whilst dreaming
i midly
passed into earth
and you were
eating the rotten
apple.
my heart
bent into four,
as i kneeled down.
but you see
i didn't kneel
in pain -
you were a posion
that could
no longer
taint me.
Author notes
they're both bad in the end eh?
who cares. she is eve and the opposite of eve. and it's all a mess that i put an end too.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I like this but it feels a bit unpolished. The sections don't quite fit, so there's a jerky, piecemeal feel about it.
The middle stanza's my favourite, I think. The line
"my heart
bent into four,
as i kneeled down." make me go 'mmm', it sounded so right, you know.
You have a voice in your poetry, so I could always recognise your style. Never, never lose that, but maybe work on the polishing of your poems.
x x
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thank you for the critique.
i think the polishing thing is good, i might make this a longer piece.
<33
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this is so unique! It put a great spin on the biblical beginings of life! I love the short stanzas! Puts more emphasis on each word! Great poem doll! I LOVE IT!
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that means a lot bbygirl!
<33
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i love this, i can't think of anything else but that.
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i think that's enough
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I love the first stanza. it was stunning. Gahhhhh. I want it in my mouth and swallow it so it can be in me. It's so beautiful and slightly sinister.
This piece was exceedingly gorgeous and remarkable. I can't even wrap my mind around it's brilliance and the way it touched me.
The ending was flawless and smooth. I like how it was a small victory and wasn't overly 'happy' and 'hopeful' it was just a clean statement.
lovelovelove you
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thank you, that means a lot
ily <3
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