skin sheds cancer cells
beneath carpets
where sympathy
is crammed in cracks
and flaws reek finality -
where these seconds won't
deter,
won't absorb complications
that pile the air
so I hideunder tables
scraping gum off rigid joints,
trying to make
my wooden reflection
beautiful.
Depression deepened
with his touch
and the aggravation
in his throat,
threatening me to bend
downwards.
Your nailstaper upwards,
sharp -
piercing the bedsheets
with your phobias
and you hurl
in my face,
expecting me to
pick you up
even when exhaustion
crashes in my veins.
I can't inflate egos
or diminish obstacles
to make you feel better
when your breathing
becomes a crisis:
a brick that drowns me
slowly
into black holes
and faceless lies
like I was overdosing
on frauds.
So the surface splinters,
sending shivers down
an unbolted heart
where I snap, apathetic
pretending to save myself
when we all know
I'm falling
faster.
Author notes
Find the flaws.
I need to edit.
--
What's the point in all this screaming,
no one's listening anyway.
A contest entry
- prewrites, come and get them by Ryno.
638 points, ended November 24, 2008, 25 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - round one; [&my weakness is that i care too much♥] by innocence jaded.xx.
1200 points, ended January 18, 48 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Now you tell me:
Comments
1 - 57 of 57
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9.8/10
-Depression deepened
with his touch
and the aggravation
in his throat,
threatening me to bend
downwards.
...
Amazing. Welcome to the finalists♥ -
You don't need me to say anything on this, far better people have already told you below.
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the "far better people below" includes you because you've already commented
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hmm
It's strange, but in a better way than I normally mean when I say "strange." I'm having a hard time getting a clear point or any particular image, but I'm feeling some heavy emotion without it, which isn't easy. It's almost like a Pink Floyd song- I don't get it, but I definitely feel it. Eh, made me feel kinda beat. Kudos for that.
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I really dramatic, end of your wit, filled with undeniable emotions kind of write.
As normal, your images, similes, and metaphors are all creative, powerful and important to the piece. They leak emotions.
A question: what was your motivation behind not using capitilization at all in the first two stanzas, then in the rest of the piece? The only thing I can think of might be to show your... helplessness and openness in the first.
I don't think your ending is as strong as you can do. You are really good at making a more blunt, literal ending and spinning power to it, but, I just personally, don't feel like this one was quite strong enough to finish off the piece.
But, seriously, you know your poetic genious is pretty evident here !
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You were the only one to notice the capitalisation and you're right.
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"Your nails
taper upwards,
sharp -
piercing the bedsheets
with your phobias
and you hurl
in my face,
expecting me to
pick you up
even when exhaustion
crashes in my veins."
I feel like I am the one you wrote this about;
Strange, and eye-opening. It actually makes me feel terrible for how I have acted lately.
I really like your writing.
In fact, I just favorited you.
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thanks
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: ) you definitely deserve to be a finalist. your images are very powerful and it seems you understand the basic idea of poetry. I'm studying to be a poetry major and it's completely changed my outlook on the way I write after having done these crazy exercises that play with language.
As a suggestion I would rework this poem to make it stronger- by cutting out little words you don't need and by also taking a risk to create better and more surprising jumps. for example this is what I would do:
skin sheds cancer cells
beneath carpets
sympathy
crammed in cracks
flaws reek finality -
these seconds won't
deter,
won't absorb complications
that pile air
under tables
scraping gum off rigid joints,
trying to make
my wooden reflection
beautiful.
Depression
with his touch
aggravation
in his throat,
threatening me to bend
downwards.
Your nails
taper upwards,
piercing bedsheets
with your phobias
and you hurl
in my face,
expecting me to
pick you up
when exhaustion
crashes in my veins.
I can't inflate egos
or diminish obstacles
to make you feel
when your breathing
becomes a crisis:
a brick that drowns me
into black holes,
faceless lies
like I was overdosing
on frauds.
The surface splinters,
sending shivers down
an unbolted heart
where I snap,
I'm falling
faster.
just taking out some "ands" "thes" "where" etc. gives it more intensity. i also took out some lines but it's your poem so edit how you want! and of course, good luck in the contest!! : )
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I actually disagree.
I know many people take out small words for efficiency, but it does not apply to all poems. This poem of mine, in particular, I've spent a week trying to make it perfect before I posted. In some of your suggestions as well, it changes the meaning, if even slightly. And there's an attention I pay to small detail and small meaning changes as I put together each word to give the effect I really want.
I do know where you're coming from, but I'm sorry to say I won't be taking the suggestion. Thank you for taking the time to suggest and re-write though - I appreciate it.
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wonderfully written
Bravo
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feeling it
~prewrites, come and get them -
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lol, at this particular moment, I am the only one on the finalists list...
I feel honored
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Are you ok, please tell me you are ok.
I did enjoy the read, but find it to be a bit sad,
or maybe I am reading too much into it,
sorry if the is the case. You know how I can
get at times, forgive me.
Love you.
Loveandblessings2u & yours always
Love You Granny
Here's a
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I am okay ♥
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oh ouch. this is bitter, and well written.
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I like the background it is like a pair of trendy jeans that I own. I have a friend called Conrad who is a bit of a poetry buff and I think he will enjoy this if you don't mind me reading it to him? You may also tell me what you think of my poems they are only short and not to this standard.
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I don't see why I would mind..
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This is so sad.You must feel overwhelmed and like everything is out of your control.I feel for you.When life makes you feel like you are drowning it is so hard to get trough the day let alone a lifetime.I do hope that things soon start to get better for you soon.As for the flaws I really did not see anything.I would however change your backround on this to reflect how you are feeling.My heart goes out to you.Hang in there there is no way except up.
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I am not depressed, overwhelmed or even losing control of anything.
Everything is in place.
And the background is not supposed to convey anything or aid the poem - otherwise what worth would a poem have?
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intresting opening alliteration collective, its effect however may be of question.
the ending portion of the second stanza not only had a strong flow but had strong images and connotational value.
didn't like the third stanza up untill the ending lines of it where it had a long driving thought of vulnerability.
fourth stanza is where this piece starts to pick up some steam and punches
and despite the second last stanza not hitting as hard as you probably wanted it to do so,
your ending lines were fantastic.
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opening is basically your interpretation.
And thanks.
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very sad
Highly creative writing.
The feeling i had was sadness and i can relate,
It's written well and self-aware. You asked for flaws and i won't look for flaws- it is your poem and for you to judge-
Personally speaking i would like to see some light in it for you but perhaps you can see that?
Your feelings are brought across very well.
with Love,
Isabella
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there's always light... just not here.
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You have the most wonderful way of opening up my mind to the dark side. As in this poem, you present it in a way that isn't fake but point blank and hits the reader right between the eyes. Bravo!
Love,
Amera♥
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Yayyy you finally finished this one! And dude, I hate whenever you first write something and you think 'wow this is awesome!' and then a few hours later you're like 'eh...nevermind'
BUT anyhoo.
I don't know if I like the transition with "so" in the second stanza. Maybe punctuation or removing it all-together, but maybe that's just me?
In the fourth stanza I don't like "hurl". I think it's because I mainly think of vomit when I hear that word so maybe it's just a preference
And I don't know if you want it like this, but in the fifth stanza you switch to past tense with "I was overdosing" when the rest of the poem was in present.
That's all I can find. Something this awesome forces me to nit-pick!
Yo'ure fantabulous and I love joo =B
Jeanette*~
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- so ... played around with it
- hurl ... keeping it and overdosing
thank youuuuuuuuuuuuu
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Didn't see the first draft of this so can't comment on the changes made, what I can say about this version is that you again impress me .. is it me or have you changed style a little, your last few writes seem to be a lot rawer than before ..
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First draft was the same, with the exception of maybe 5 words.
Rawer because something is coming back.
- nothing pleasant, but nothing I can't deal with.
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your not the only one who's screaming.
the noise in my head never goes away.
i love this though. raw.
one of the best i've read by you.
"I can't inflate egos
or diminish obstacles
to make you feel better
when your breathing
becomes a crisis:
a brick that drowns me
slowly
into black holes
and faceless lies
like I was overdosing
on frauds."
i love this.
"So the surface splinters,
sending shivers down
an unbolted heart
where I snap, apathetic
pretending to save myself
when we all know
I'm falling
faster."
and this.
all of it actually.
i love it all.
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We all have these type of poems that we write and love and hate and love again...lol. I think it is very well done.
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Holy crap ... This was truly amazing, deeep. Way WAY better than ANYTHING I could do. I wish I was this good. Seriously. lol anyways, I
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I think you could do it
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Why are you so damn good?
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psht.
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excellent start
wooden reflection = sweet
your nails are cone-like = ick...not so sure...
piercing the bedsheets with your phobias = good (maybe without "the")
exhaustion crashes in my veins = nice
I can't inflate egos or diminish obstacles = again, nice
breathing becomes a crisis = uhmm
splinters = I like that word
iced heart = bah, the rest is so original!
apathetic = yes ^^
good ending.
Very good, enjoyed reading :
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check now?
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I'd remove sharp after taper upwards...
and "so many times" after "crashes in my veins"
But...is there anything else different? -
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'so many times' was always there
I like the 'sharp' after taper .. so I kind of fixed the presentation of it.
Other than tha, I just changed "iced" heart
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yeah I know but I decided I don't like it...the line before has a much bigger impact with out it.
I also think sharp takes away from "piercing the bedsheets" - if it's piercing the bedsheets it's obviously gonna be sharp, innit
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psht. And I did remove it.
And I could tear through a kiwi easily with a dull knife
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*whispers* bedsheets aren't made of kiwis...
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it was an example!!
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"Your nails
are cone-like,
peircing the bedsheets"
i think it's piercing
but that's the only flaw i found.
good luck in the contest!!
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ARGH!
i ALWAYS get my ie/ei wrong! -
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i know right? the thing they always tell you
"i before e, except after c"
is so confusing.
there are like a bajillion exceptions
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hahaha "bajillion"
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"So I hide under tables
scraping gum off rigid joints,
trying to make
my wooden reflection
beautiful."
I love that stanza. This reeks with such emotion and... almost a lost feeling. I see no flaws, this is brilliant.
♣ Tegan -
like helen said 'tis good. but not your best.
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Where do you think I can fix it?
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i think some alliterations are choppy... idk, i think it's just me...
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Oh my gosh this is incredible. I loved it, I couldn't see any flaws but then again I am totally dense about poetry. But I can see that it's not just me that loved this. So best of luck in the contest love.
You = Amazing.
End of.
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love it, this is amazing chandni, no flaws that i can see, good luck and take care
Stephanie ♥
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hm. i like it & am unwilling to look for flaws right now lol.
'tis good, 'tis good.
helen~
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eh. I just liked it so much when I first wrote it, and not so much now.
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i think that's the same for everyone.
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