Reluctantly she sits,
head bowed,
beside his bed.
She knows:
He is stunned at
the sudden concavity of his spirit,
his body traitor,
nerve torn from nerve,
nerve from brain;
He did not realize
one half his body
could go on living
while the other half, top to bottom,
froze in a semi-death.
The conundrum fills his eyes.
He loses words before they reach his tongue.
The hand that fed him,
Started tractors, hefted hay bales,
gentled horses, lifted whiskey –
the hand that struck her often in her childhood –
now it hangs like a severed branch,
a stillborn beast.
Food falls from
his left-handed fork.
He screams his infantile rage,
throws the fork across the room.
Spittle like sea foam
fills the corner of his drooping mouth.
The embolus of anger that has floated
in her veins for years
rises in her chest –
and disappears.
She looks away from
the profound humiliation
in his eyes
as she wipes his lips,
her hand, the cloth,
as gentle as a kiss.
A contest entry
- Tick me off. or please me your choice. by Black Wolf.
1150 points, ended March 28, 32 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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I'm so pleased on your behalf that this piece garnered the gold, Lita. What a strong voice you have when speaking of another's weakness. Stroke is such a horrid thing to happen to anyone, but to those who were more vital among us, what a travesty it can be. 
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This is amazing. The emotions are so honest and real. My mom had a stroke a couple years ago and it's terrifying for everyone involved. It's hard to watch someone struggle and be ashamed of it when there is nothing to do to help them.
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an amazingly thought provoking write you have penned here, deep devotion to a parent who, once the dominant head of the family, now has the humiliation of not being able to tend to his own needs, dependant on a daughter who swallows the anger of her childhood memories to tenderly care for him. good luck in th econtest and thank you for entering this very dramatic write
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This is a very heavy subject to write about and you have done so very well in both forms. I don't know a thing about the technical side of poetry at all, I only know what I like and I am more interested in the way a poem hits my emotions and this is powerful.
I can't do free-verse at all. I have never understood why line endings are where they are and it is unfair of me to even pass a comment as I am so ignorant of the technique but I actually thought it hit home the hardest with the "feelings" of it all. Either way you have handled a very heartbreaking subject with care and dignity and it was a privilege to read it, well done. -
You have captured so well, the picture of a stroke patient, the emotion, the turmoil, the failure of the body. It is only this poets opinion, but I do like verion 1 over version 2 probably because it flows better, however there are parts to version 2 that i like as well. "She sets her universe to rightfulness in this:
She wipes his mouth, her hand, the cloth, as gentle as a kiss" such love and devotion is felt in these few words. Excellent write for a very tough topic. Well done Poet.
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Although I am basically a rhyming poet, I feel the free verse version has more impact. Both versions have their merits and they are very emotive poems. In the rhyming version I honestly felt that the flow and meter let you down slightly and it does detract from the overall effect, but the free version flows easily and I found it to be a much easier read.
I hope this helps you, if you need anything else, just call me.
All the best...Sue
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Yes, thank you for your "vote" for the 2nd version, which I wrote first. I've always written free-verse, and just want to expand my horizons a bit. I love hearing your comments, because they always encourage me to keep on working.
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Very painful to read this. Not easy to go through a situation like from what I read here. I liked version two the best. Thanks again.
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Thank you for stopping by and reading. I appreciate your comments very much!
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I like both very much. They both show how he could be an angry bastard, but that with his little girl, he has had many wonderful memories.
Nice post.
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Very descriptive in both versions
I like both versions, but I would say the free-verse version flows better and in parts has more impact as also stated by last comment. The fathers story of his suffering is very well painted here, his daughter too you show quite clearly as having been beaten by his hand, then caring for him in the end. Both versions tell that story well, Only I think there are parts in the rhyming version that appear a little dodgy. That seems to be the general feeling here. Anyway you did a damn good job with both these versions.
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Thanks for the comments. I think the rhyming is off a bit, too, and I seem to have trouble counting! (syllables, I mean, to end a line LOL) I do appreciate your giving the feedback!
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Both these versions bring up the pain, suffering, past and present of the father very well. Also, the daughter's emotions are expressed nicely; from being beaten to still caring about her father.
In the free-verse version:
"She looks away from
the profound humiliation
in his eyes"
has more impact than the ending of the rhyming version.
The imagery is good and poetic devices have been well-used.
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Thanks, H. I liked it better, too, so I obviously need to work on my rhyme schemes if I want to achieve the same impact as free-verse, if this is possible?!
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You're welcome.
When we compare both the versions, it is then that the slight differences appear.
Otherwise, I think both the versions are well-expressed in their own ways.
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For the subject matter, I think you should stay with the unrhymed version -- it's more solemn. Good write, nonetheless. Peace.
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Thank you so much for your kind comments. I really appreciate the support.
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I liked the first one a bit better, despite my inherent dislike of rhymed poems (this one is an exception!) you do it well and manage to make the rhyme appropriately rhythmic (go figure) and not childlike. the experience was definitely well captured. the only bit that seemed odd was the second to last line (first version). it was a bit abstract compared to the rest of it. good work
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Aw, that is so nice of you! I'm just trying to broaden my horizons a bit, since I have always (mostly!) done free-verse. I'm finding it a creative challenge. Thanks for your comments.
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Your first line is Iambic Hexameter, or six feet where the first syllable is unstressed and the second sylable is stressed.
re-LUC/-tant-LY/ she SITS,/ head BOWED,/ be-SIDE/ his BED./
all the following lines follow this patter in the first verse (kudos!)
The first line of the NEXT verse, however, starts with a stressed syllable, the entire word NERVES.
NERVES en-TANG-gle NEU-rons AND re-TREAT from BRAIN,
so, ideally you're looking for a one-syllable unstressed modifier to go in front of NERVES... how about the word "his"
his NERVES/ en-TANG/-gle NEU/-rons AND/ re-TREAT/ from BRAIN,/
Now you want to go through the entire poem and see if there are any other lines that start on a stressed syllable, or perhaps only have five or are overly blessed with seven metrical feet.
Hopefully that helps... three cheers for your attempt thus far!
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Thank you so much, ETJ! Just what I was looking for. I knew something was off, but even when I counted, stressed, etc., couldn't quite figure it out. This really helps. I will keep working and let you know when revised
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I kind of liked the first one better, but the last verse of the second one is better than the first, the last verse of the first one left me rather confused. It's a wonderful poem nonetheless. My father is brain damaged.....so I know.
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Thank you for your comment. I kind of liked the last verse of the second one better, too, so I will need to work on the 1st version to try to get an equally clear effect. Thanks for reading.
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