Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Tiny Cuts

As I watch the rain
I feel a slow aching pain
My heart sunken in
Face ashen, no love within

I reach for that razor
dragging it against, I cause a tremor
little beads like morning dew
Red like a rose in full bloom

A piece of sanity is gone
Life grows infected and I am alone
misery strikes a chord in my heartstrings
Self hate and death are my heartbeats

So each time I pull the blade against my skin
I know that I die a little more within

Author notes

I did not know what the opening statement ment until it was shown in the caption. I really don't know if no research has sufficiantly hurt or boosted my work on this piece. I am just hopeful that it is a one of a kind piece.

A contest entry

can you pick it apart?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • xbroken.angelx
    November 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow. that was really good. your words create a beautiful but yet sad picture in my mind. I can totally relate to this.


  • LenaLust
    November 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i love this poem..
    i can see the emotion and i can see the razor sliding across someone's skin..
    love it(


  • peregrin
    November 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    So each time I pull the blade against my skin
    I know that I die a little more within

    This is so deep. Having been a self harmer in my past, I can relate to this character that you write about. Everyone can relate to her, some more than others. I know this kinda of pain... Sadly, I wish I didn't, in all honesty...

    This is a fantastic write.
    Great work.


  • Ceridwens Soul silver member
    November 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    A great take on the prompt. I love the emotiveness of your write. Good luck in the contest


  • Death of the Author
    November 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wawtch = watch

    rain/pain is such a redundant rhyme, try and stay away from it.

    face ashen, no love within - though I like the description, it doesn't flow.

    blade/bled don't rhyme to me, or even semi-rhyme like dew/bloom (I like semi-rhymes )

    little beads like morning dew
    red like a rose in full bloom

    I think those are your best lines.

    goes and is gone - they are the same really, the repetition is needless.

    gone/alone don't rhyme to me...

    life grows infected - that's nice, I like that.

    misery strikes a chord - that too.

    strings/friends is very pushing it as a rhyme.

    I like the last two lines, though you already used within at the start of your poem. Maybe you could rewrite the third and fourth lines. The flow is wobbly throughout because you have a different amount of syllables on each line. Your subject isn't exactly original, but there was some neat phrasing and some lines had a lot of potential.

    If you revise this, let me know


    • Alexis Manley
      November 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      all revised!

      Hopefully you enjoy this one more.

    • Alexis Manley
      November 1, 2008

      Edit | Reply

      thank you

      It wawsnt really supposed to ryhme it just sorta fell that way. Though I will edit it and do some changes I hope that you still appreciate the overall theme and work by itself, even if it isn't something spectacularly new and different.

1 - 8 of 8