I cannot live without the dream of you
I do not know why you have gone away
I only know that I am going to stay
Who are these men who tell me what to do
Throughout my life I shall be strong and true
You'll always be the one to light my fire
The perfect lover that I must desire
Who are these men who tell me what to do
When you are in my life the world is new
These bright white coats have tied me to the bed
They want to put electrodes on my head
Who are these men who tell me what to do
I cannot live without the dream of you
Who are these men who tell me what to do
Why would you go and leave me in a stew
I love you more than any love before
And yet I have more love for you in store
Who are these men who tell me what to do
I used to know the names of all the crew
But now I've lost the memories I need
It seems they only want my mind to bleed
Who are these men who tell me what to do
They ask me things I haven't got a clue
They say that I have lead an awful life
And someone said that I had killed my wife
Who are these men who tell me what to do
Why would you go and leave me in a stew
Who are these men who tell me what to do
Author notes
A pair of "Echo Sonnets", a form based on the Kyrielle sonnet but in iambic pentameter and using envelope rhyme a1,b,b,A,a,c,c,A,a,D,D,A,a1,A. where both a1 and A are repeated lines.
Inspired by a beautiful song, "Bright White Jackets" by April Smith.
In a list
A contest entry
- Bright White Jackets by AutumnsFlame.
2667 points, ended January 20, 17 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me honestly what you think, good or bad.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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This is exactly the kind of entry I was looking for in my contest!!!
I really liked this. You captured the tone and feeling that I was hoping someone would capture. The images were great and the rhyme didn't seem forced! My one complaint is your grammar--- I think it could use some periods and commas to slow the reader down. Also, every line should not be capitalized. Thank you for entering my contest. -
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Thank-you for your comment. I m pleased I got to your intentions, I apologise for the lack of punctuation, it is simply a bad habit of mine I almost only ever punctuate my poetry when not doing drastically changes the sense. Capitalisationhowever is another story, from Beowulf through to the start of the 20th century all grammar and poetry guides made that the correct thing to do, the "free versers" around 1910 rejected all form and structure including punctuation and capital letters and since then some poets have adopted their fashion. However it is simply that, a fashion
Thank-you again for the comment and the trophy.
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That madness lays dorment between the veil of right and wrong is just as you've so poetically versed here. I'm in awh of your sonneteering skills.Wonderful work.
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Bravo! Standing in Applause!
I am completely taken with this form with Kyrielle and Kyrielle Sonnet being two of my favorites. This is genuine and pure, filled with sorrow. Emotion runs on high within each line and keeps the reader held.
Exceptional verse dear poet. I will have to try my hand at this as you know, I am completely enchanted with good form poetry. But, it will be many tries before I reach this level. Excellent. Just excellent. So pleased to have read this piece tonight. ~Pamela 
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Incredible!
Such a creative write! But all your writes are creative! You always surprise me! Miss ya tons!
Mindie
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Ok buster, now you are forcing me to try an Echo Sonnet. These are wonderful!
Love,
Amera♥
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Brilliant stuff Jeff, you have really surprised me here.
' But now I've lost the memories I need
It seems they only want my mind to bleed'
so out of your box but wow.
LOVE IT!!!
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