Beautiful, like I wish to be,
and unaware of my admiration,
the gutter water flows past me.
On its surface, sunlight dances, free,
as if it's mother nature's relaxation.
It's beautiful, like I wish to be.
With its burbling laugh of glee
as it rides the debris of a selfish nation,
the gutter water flows past me.
Rushing through obstacles, it impresses me
with the strength of its determination -
it's beautiful, like I wish to be.
Unstoppable, it needs some place to be -
we are sisters in desperation,
but the gutter water flows past me.
It's the cleanest, happiest thing to see,
my cluttered heart's only salvation,
and beautiful, like I wish to be.
But the gutter water flows past me.
Author notes
A rewrite of my poem "Admiration" in villanelle form, an assignment for my poetry class. All critiques are welcomed. : )
Comments
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I klnow absolutely nothing about forms!
I do know, however that I Like dthis poem!
I loved the rhyme scheme you used, the out of the ordinary ABAB or ABCB you see so often.
Excellent work, here! -
I like the fact that you didn't overwhelm this piece with overused words & soured clichés. It is simply communicated and strongly emoted. Beyond the fact that it takes an actual form, which is something that I have never been able to accomplish! Very nice!
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Very solid, polished form and definately a very unique view. It reflects a lot metaphorically on you and others, but I think there's more to it, push it forward. The content, the meaning. . its depths may take on a broader, universal picture. There's indeed nothing wrong with it, but I get the feeling it could break through to much more, as stupid as that sounds. . maybe it is.
"it impresses me"- Love those three words, don't ask why.
"we are sisters in desperation"- love that line, also.
Sorry, this comment sucks, I'm tired as Hell's sieve-bearers lol.
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