lie down, famous heart,
where jealous suns drool
cataloguing histories of charm
mask your eyes that
none shall feel themselves enhanced
in scaffolded reflection
softly
through the tent of dusk
careful moonlight starts to drip:
lover’s blood
in slow transfusion
Author notes
Contest prompt: Waiting for the moon
A contest entry
- 30-40 words of Brilliance #28 by AutumnGypsy.
550 points, ended November 6, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Very symbolic and purely written with great taste! Bravo fellow poet. Keep up the great work
ASM
AKA Raymond -
Loved the symbolism...Bravo!!
ASM
AKA Raymond -
"careful moonlight starts to drip:
lover’s blood
in slow transfusion"
love this!
if i were to change anything, it would be the word "drool" in the second line... its jarring... not sure if its the meaning of the word so much as the sound... anyways, overall its great
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i loved this, it sounded really soft, like someone is whispering to this other person.
a few criticisms:
in the line "mask your eyes that" - every line is not just looked at in context of the entire sentence or stanza but also as a line on its own; "mask your eyes" would look good by itself, but "that" makes it less appealing and it also sounds kind of harsh, ruining the softness you worked hard to set up. i would suggest taking out "that" altogether" and maybe writing it as "mask your eyes:"
also, i see you have included some punctuation but much of it is free, forcing the reader to put their own stops in. that's o.k., but it just seems a little uneven in where you have put your stops
i also think that you could have included some more of your wonderful imagery in the last stanza, especially the line "lover's blood" could include some more words just to beef it up and give it some real staying power towards the end.
i really enjoyed your poem and it is obvious you have real talent, keep up the good work!
p.s. your title is awesome, i wish i'd thought of it! -
I had to read this four times before I really got it, but once I got it I loved it. "Jealous suns drool" is just different enough to really stand out, and it ties in very well to "moonlight starts to drip". It's very dark imagery, which adds to the whole mystery of it.
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Beautiful
softly
through the tent of dusk
careful moonlight starts to drip:
lover’s blood
in slow transfusion
My favorite stanza. It's beautiful, descriptive, emotional.
mask your eyes that
none shall feel themselves enhanced
I feel you could move "that" to the next line, so that is reads "mask your eyes/that none sahll feel themselves enhanced". It flows better that way -
oh yes, i love to be surprised, not what I was expecting. lovely.
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i like this whole thing. i did not see how the title connected to the poem, until i read your prompt in the authors notes. then i was like oooohh.
i like how this is abstract,but not so in the same sense.
-andi -
nice, i do have to say but i sure was not expecting it.
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What a grand interpretation, I love the abstractness of this piece, it is beautifully coloured outside the lines. Best to you in the contest
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the last two lines are especially great
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Nice!
Simply great. It's well-written with a simple but unique poetic grace. I don't know what more to say, other than I really liked it and keep up the good work! -
love the last stanza very moving.
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Love the 2nd stanza, very well written.
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