the unwashed smell lay heavy like smog
shrouding rows of old men
jammed tight
till dawn
in stretcher beds with pillows too thin
to quieten the fears
that came in the night
tossed out upon the morning
whispers of the chill breeze
sought holes in his old coat
hands spotted by spite of the summer sun
he dug down deep
in threadbare pockets
head bent against the pale rose of the dawn
he joined the line at the local
church door
warmth seeped through the ache in his bones
from the strong sweet tea
clouded by a small touch of milk
the ragged bundles of men
slowly faded down the street
keeping company with memories
he waited
stale breath rattling his chest
then turned towards another day
stretching into city streets
the tremor that began at the knees
slowly crept up legs worn thin
by the passing years
folding in protest he slid
to the hard grey paving
rough stony edges pressed
to the lines travelling his face
the dusty smell of concrete
still slightly damp from the sweepers spray
chased his memories away
A contest entry
- Asphalt by Danna Hobart.
400 points, ended November 13, 2008, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - freeverse && prose [dp allowed] by xxRainbowDawnxx.
450 points, ended February 21, 2009, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Do you ever notice them? Options contest and you can write in Spanish/or English by caos-cordura.
595 points, ended August 3, 2009, 5 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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truly outstanding! very great job GL in the contest
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outstanding!
i too write about the city and the endemic homeless situation here in chicago. but i have yet to write anything this profound or even think it for that matter. your words are quite gripping and i am proud to have read it.
cheers,
ui'connabhair -
Thank you all for your comments. I started to wonder about 'quieten' as it is easy to use slang words thinking they're real, so I looked it up in the dictionary and it is there and means make or become quiet and calm. Thanks again it is great to have feedback.
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I think this is a powerful write. It's bleak and raw with an ending that makes you want to cry at the hopelessness of it all. Keep the pen to the paper!
Great read.
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I really enjoyed this poem, It really reminds me of going through the slums of cities, You did an excellent job you should be proud of this.
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EXCELLENT
A unique poem - a city dweller living among crowds becoming lonlier and lonlier every day. It has become a bleak place. This the author has expressed in this poem very effectively using appropriate phrases and images. The piece is very moving and I enjoyed it very much.
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your use of the word 'quieten' forever endears you to me.
i can't see a single thing that needs fixing. -
I have to say that I am with the other commentor on quieten. Maybe the to should be taken out and you could add quieted? Overall, lovely piece. Excellent in all areas. The lack of punctuation did not make it difficult for me to follow. Your line breaks were spot on.
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This is a great poem, and I only spot a few things.
1. Is quieten a word? I don't think so, but I could be wrong.
2. You might want to use some capitalization/punctuation, just to make it easiest to read, and it flows more.
Keep it up!
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Excellent.
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