Sitting, Thinking, all alone
Enjoying my short stay at home
Knowing somehow, something's changed
Thinking I'd become deranged
When somehow through the silence screams
A voice straight from my darkest dreams
The stillness shattered, torn apart
I work to slow my racing heart
Peace is but a memory,
When hearing something I can't see
I close my eyes to will away
Whatever's here, for it can't stay
But it's not gone and will not go
Still, what it is I do not know
And won't until it manifests
This ignorance, I do detest
Then it's there in front of me
And I wish I couldn't see
It's visage too sick to express
And what it is, I cannot guess
With yellow eyes that burn with light
The moment I am in it's sight
And wild hair, and a large grim smile
That speaks it's yearning to beguile
It's whole expression speaks of hate
And so I sit quite still and wait
And will the thing to go away
With the coming of the day
A moment, we sit there face to face
'Till it jumps up with shocking grace
In circles 'round me slowly prowls
Uttering almost human growls
And there it stays, for hours it seems
I wish that this were all a dream
For then I'd wake, and all would cease
Leaving me with wondrous peace
Yet I know this simply cannot be
This thing has set it's eyes on me
I am aware that I'm its prey
"It's over now," it seems to say
And suddenly the creature acts
I cringe away from the attack
Paralyzed by the sudden pain
I know that it will never wane
I pray I will be claimed in death,
Take, yet another, ragged breath
And sit, and feel, and plea, and wait
And, for the creature, lose my hate
And then it stops, so suddenly
Death must have made it's claim on me
But I'm still here, where I had been
And I can't help but wonder when
Death claimed, or did it, I don't know?
Am I alive, can it be so?
I don't think I'll ever be sure
For of this creature, there's no cure
Author notes
Yeah! I came up with something else for the ending. I don't know if it's an improvement, but I hope it is. Sorry I can't crank out a normal, not freaky halloween poem... but you know. Thanks for reading!
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Fabulous!
What a fabulous poem. The structure, rhyme and flow are great. This is an awesome poem, beginning to end. Great creativity!!!...DeeDee
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Masterful
You have a way of controlling the words and sound and feel of the poem that is simply masterful It would be challenging to people who have been writing a long time, yet you are just 14. Keep up the good work.
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i like this.
you have such an amazing talent for rhyming. theres always one thing about each poet that inspires me and yours is definitely how deft you are with rhymes. you just stick them in there and everything is so fluid and graceful that it seems effortless (though i assume it is not).
great story in here too.
yay.
p.s. i just want to say. that its amazing to get comments, and youre always one of the first people to comment on my poetry. so thank you. very much.
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Thanks for the comments. I love seeing the myy favorites new poems on the homepage, and usually try to comment on them. I don't know why, but I can't let myself go into freeform. It's definitely not totally efforless to rhyme, more a force of habit than anything else. Thanks for the comment though!
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You are wonderful!
This reminds me of E.A.Poe, and I love his work.
Your rhyming and timing are near perfect!
The ending isn't awkward at all, in fact that was my favorite part.
Death's claim.
Keep up the good work, never stop writing.
You have an amazing talent.
Thank you so much for sharing. -
I truly enjoyed readin' this write. it had such an intriguing story line to it, and the way that it read was verra interestin' as well. You did a wonderful job I think, with creatin' somethin' that kept the reader interested..
. Rewarded 4
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This is an interesting write. I enjoy, particularly, the bit of mystery. What, exactly, is uttering the screams? Did death claim the narrator? This is intriguing. As for the end, I think that a couple more lines or shifting a stanza about would help. It's almost anti-climactic. I like the way it ends, but the transition into the final stanza seems to need just a little more waning from the peak of being attacked to the uncertainty of death/life.
One other thing, sometimes you leave out commas where it might be proper to put them in prose. This is poetry, and of course it doesn't need to be proper, but I had to go back and re-read several lines such as 5-7 to figure out if you had written a wrong tense or if I was simply not getting it. I finally realized what you were saying, but a few commas would have prevented that awkwardness.
For example: And somehow, through the silence, screams....
Without the comma, it made me think you were writing "the silence screams."
All in all, this is reminescent of Poe, and he's one of my favorites. I enjoyed it. -
Hi, its a nice write .Goes on pretty fine and the end still keeps you lingering here, thinking about it when its over. Capturing the thought of the reader thats what its all about and also have an effect later on... Well I guess it great.
. Rewarded 4
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I don't know if it's what you intended but it reminds me of days when I'm just feeling sick of myself, disgusted in my own skin.
Interesting write but like you said, weird ending.The rhyming gets a little tiring, too.Then again, that might just be ,me! -
"And greatly will the thing away"
I feel as if you could replace "greatly" with another word, because it confuses a little.
I like the rhyming and flow, for the most part it felt natural and easy.
The ending sounds rather abrupt and cheesy compared to the rest of the poem. I feel you could take out the last stanza altogether and leave the reader wondering about your fate, or change it so it doesn't sound like you're looking back on the story, but telling it as it occurs -
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Thank you very much for your suggestion. I, too, did not like the ending. I will work on "Greatly will the thing away" as well.
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Good poem, rhyme and flow both work, although there are times that you subdue flow to capture the rhyme. I like the way you don't specify the apparition, but leave it to the reader to imagine its appearance and actions, very effective. Great to read on Halloween, made a chill run down my back!
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