~*~
And thus
from my lips
loves melody
echoed
precious
tones
of
endearment
with love
a
symbol
of
a life together
eternaly
shared
I
wonder
my dear
what
did we do
before
we
met one another
did
we wallow
unsure
in a complacent
of passion
surrounded
by
enchanted whipers
with
promises of more
music
dancing in the air
gracefully
like a running
stallion
to quench its
thirst
in a
stream
of cool water
intensely
your carresses
burn
upon my heart
branding into it
your love
let
me dream
once again
of you
frolicking
through the grassy
knoll
filled with
anticipation
as you
leap into my arms
I beg of you
to partake
of
what
I have to give
let my
sacred flame
that burns deep inside
of me
singe
your heart
for
I am
all
yours!
~*~
A contest entry
- And Thus, From My Lips, Love's Melody Echoed by lowercase prelude.
900 points, ended November 1, 2008, 18 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Totally Gold worthy!!!
Magnificent so Elizabethian beautiful flow,
well done Poet!
Rend
-
The first stanza was quite intriguing. There was just the tiniest bit of ambiguity that is perfect for the introduction to a poem by encouraging the reader to continue on, solve the mystery. Stanza five follows the same style and the same imagery.
Stanzas seven an eleven also have symmetry of technique, and it appeals to the poet in me.
There are a few grammatical errors. I know that poetry doesn't necessetate perfection, but there are a couple instances where spelling and punctuation could only add to your work.
For instance:
In line 3 "Loves melody" might be more approriate if written to show possession. "Love's melody."
In the second stanza, "eternaly shared" might read better "eternally shared."
Your strongest passages are stanzas 1, 5, 7, and 11. I think that the rest may be reduced to appeal to the potent and powerful images in your best portions.
-
It was beautiful, gracefully penned, but I have to agree about the "grassy knoll" part. It changed the speech mode of the poem, you went from totally modern to 1850.
I loved the part about his love burning into your heart though, great penning,
~Emberess
-
Sometimes less is more
and what is left unsaid is filled in by the imagination
And thus
from my lips
loves melody
echoed
precious
tones
of
endearment
with love
(since you are writing to him some words are unnecessary)
symbol
of
a life together
eternaly(eternally)
shared
I
wonder
my dear
what
did we do(in order to do the victorian beat switch verbs around--what we did do)
before
we met
one another
did
we wallow
unsure
in a complacent( complacency)
of passion
surrounded
by
enchanted whipers(whispers)
with
promises of more
music
dancing in the air
gracefully
like a running
stallion
to quench its
thirst
in a
stream
of cool water(love this)
intensely
your carresses(caresses)
burn
upon my heart
branding into it(with would be better)
your love
let
me dream
once again
of you
frolicking
through the grassy
knoll(last guy to do that was the other shooter)
filled with
anticipation
as you
leap into my arms0as---arms can be dropped, going from anticipation to I beg--would make it very hot)
I beg of you
to partake
of
what
I have to give
let my
sacred flame
that burns deep inside(remove that -change burns to burning-drop of put inside on same line as me)
of me
singe
your heart
for
I am
all(all is superfluous since you are you and he's not going to take you in pieces)
yours!
I think you are trying to stretch yourself and got in a hurry. I am an older woman with a husband twenty years younger and he is a happy man. For five years I have been editing others stuff now I am having to re edit my own stuff for my book, it is hell because I am having to do what I do for others. But reworking takes heart and soul like love it's a bumpy ride to perfection of a work.
Hugs Ann
-
this was really good
your word usage truly was one of someone in the midst of being in love
i really liked this one -
Started out grabbing attention then turned ordinary
Thus
from my lips
loves melody
echoed
precious
tones
of
endearment
shared
promoting
sweet enchantment
while
whispering(typo S)
promises of more
when
joyously
my love,
my lover,
tender caresses
upon my heart
beg of you
to partake of all
for yours, it is!
-
Great write.
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