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Jam Session

The clown machine is laughing along the frozen pier.
He might as well be silent;  no one's living here to hear
On the sea a mist is rising and a ghost ship's drawing near
And the Punch and Judy man is gone forever.

Hoof beats hollow echoes make the sodden planking shake.
Dylan’s riders are approaching and the hour is getting late.
“You aint nothing but a Houndog” shakes the fairground awake
But the king with head held high has left the camp site.

The counters on the pinballs are counting off the hours.
Someone feed the bandits please they’re dim and losing power.
When we get to 1968 try not to look so dour
While the Star Spangled Banner cries at Woodstock.

The generators whirring and the lights are coming on
The crew that ride the ghost ship keep on keeping on.
A disco beat is punching out a new year just begun
And staying alive’s no option for the sailors.

Over in the bandstand the heavy boys are tuning up.
Old Bob and Mr. Holly both sip Jack from golden cups.
From the stage Mr. Flash screams "I’ve really had enough."
And Satan lights the foot lamps with Hell fire.

The wailing of the guitars is sweet torture in the night.
A haunting jamming session just to make you feel all right.
And the dancing Jack O Lanterns know how to keep it tight.
As they light up penny candles to their idols.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Paloszoo gold member
    April 6

    Edit | Reply

    Hi. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck! I’ve decided to use a slightly edited version of my friend Arkbear’s grading scoreboard to help me judge this contest. I hope he doesn’t mind. It’ll aid me in organizing my thoughts and judging fairly versus randomly. I hope you enjoy it and find it helpful. Writers with the highest possible points out of 80 will obviously win

    Title Appeal: 9.25 – Like it! But it blares of a music genre, which is not my favorite genre, so I’d likely not click on this. Excellent for the piece, however.
    Poem Flow: 8.5 – I couldn’t figure out your rhyme scheme. It seemed sporadic. That threw me off, as did the line lengths. Meter was off a bit in quite a few places.
    Depth: 9.25 – Excellent imagery. Fun piece! Lots to absorb and remember here, so great impact with your well chosen words!
    Emotional Impact: 9 – I really got into this write and wrapped myself around it. I did enjoy this immensely!
    Spelling and Grammar: 10 – YAY!
    Punctuation and Caps: 7.85 – You’ve left off some end line punctuation and some internal punctuation is missing. The end line punctuation that’s missing should be commas, which would make the following start words be non-capitalized.
    Presentation: 9.5 – Niiiice!
    Personal Appeal: 9.35 – I really got a kick out of this, despite it not being my genre. It was nicely written!

    My score: 72.70/80.00


  • Catacomb
    March 12
    Edit | Reply
    This wasn't exactly the atmosphere I was going for, but good write though.


  • Freed by Mercy silver member
    March 2
    Edit | Reply
    Lots of memorable lines and images. Love the rythm of this piece, which sings as I read it.


  • Danna Hobart
    March 2

    Edit | Reply
    This gave me a nice sense of the electricity that is in the air before a concert. Thank you for entering.


  • lindaburns gold member
    February 6

    Edit | Reply
    Hi. My spell check program didn’t like Houndog, pinballs or alive’s.
    I’m not sure why so I won’t ask you to edit them. This is really good.
    It made a weird kind of sense but I hope I never have to explain it to anyone. Thanks for entering my contest.


  • Draig aine gold member
    January 19
    Edit | Reply

    well done

    very zonie, flowed well, some killer lines


  • Eldrich Capricorn
    January 19

    Edit | Reply
    I thought the band and song references were a great touch to this write. I must say I enjoyed it immensely. And the "feed the bandits" line is excellent. A reminder of a by-gone era. Wish I coulda lived it. Great Work.


  • Silent Wayfarer
    January 19

    Edit | Reply
    Very interesting and different! Such a joy to read . Love the twilight zone feel of it... Very cool, lol! Good luck in the contest!


  • Luciferschild
    January 10

    Edit | Reply
    i like the overall tone of the poem, it was written nicely and kept my attention thorughout, thank you for entering and good luck


  • skilter
    November 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this was cool. thanks for contributing to the contest.


  • Sandygram
    November 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Wonderful Write!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Oh I really enjoyed this one. I could hear the Twilight zone theme song going "dodododododododo"
    This was full of nostalgia and such a delight to read. Great imagery and rhyme as the reader reads along from beginning to end. Thanks for the trip down memory lane.

    Take care,
    Sandy

1 - 11 of 11