this year
winter
hasn’t crept
in slowly
through the slats,
finding shelter in the shutters,
but danced
upon
a frozen whim
straight into our
ungrateful laps.
mornings crystallise the
windowpane
into patterns
never before seen;
a brittle hand of ice
cracking glass
with tentative
tendrils,
while
mid-days seep,
like sand
slinks
through the waist of an hourglass
and sleep sharply
within my side,
before afternoons
claw at my craggy skin,
opening crevices
that take root in my veins.
at least clay and concrete
shield me
as evenings
consume
the sun’s distracted
warmth,
which withers
under further scrutiny
from the stars.
Author notes
I'm not sure if it's what you're looking for...
It's mighty cold for October.
A contest entry
- ~Give me your BEST Prewrites~ by Bean Sidhe.
1000 points, ended November 14, 2008, 46 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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Takes me back
To when I was a child. the ice on the windows, no heat in the room, and on more than one morning-snow on the covers.
Very good imagery.
Joe
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Wow your comments are as well written as your poems
Thank you
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What a lovely piece. I enjoyed this immensely and not only because I am a fan of winter (I'm in Texas - we don't get much, I'm afraid!) but from the tongue in cheek delivery of the title, which I found quite clever, to the last stanza, each word was chosen specifically and well. I also thought that the way you have structured the piece, adds something a shade different, allowing your work to stand out from the masses. The only suggestion I might offer is that "crystallise" is showing up as a misspelling. However, as I have seen it spelled both with an "s" and a "z", I'm not discounting the work for it!
Thank you for your entry & good luck! -
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Ahh yes, well in England we don't get much of summer haha
Thank you for your comment, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Like I said I'm english so to me it is crystallise but I appreciate you pointing it out
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Original images. Good voice on the old "Damn. It's cold" subject lol, I'm serious. Why is it I can't help sounding like a cynical asshole? I also LOVE the following:
before afternoons
claw at my craggy skin,
opening crevices
that take root in my veins.
Beautiful lines. . craggy, crevices, root
. You do detail well, sounds so natural.
And I love the word "hourglass".
Will read more.
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I tend to be a cynical asshole
Thanks
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It's predicted to be the coldest winter in 50 years.. or something like that =/ so yeah. it's freezing ^.^
Beautiful poem,
full of lovely imagery
I love the lines :
claw at my craggy skin,
opening crevices
that take root in my veins.
made me shiver,
you get cold and then you can't get rid of the cold and then because you're cold it's all you're thinking about - an endless cycle.
well done, an excellent poem and one i truly enjoyed reading =]
best of luck in the contest you have entered.
ElectricBloom
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Thank you very much I'm glad you enjoyed it.
It best not be that cold!!!
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ungrateful laps, indeed. this is very good.
i enjoyed reading this.
helen~
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Thank you
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You're welcome.
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Very good. Great Imagery. I didn't understand some on the lines, but I'm 13, and horrible at writing and spelling. It's a lovely piece. So thanks for entering and best of luck!
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What didn't you get, I'll happily go through it with you
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Please do... =]
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Tell me which parts you're unsure of, any words you don't know, any phrasing etc
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the sun’s distracted
warmth,
which withers
under further scrutiny
from the stars.
those lines.... once you tell me it'll seem obvious... -
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Well in winter it's not very warm so I thought the idea of the sun being distracted from giving its warmth would be a nice idea, especially when night comes. The stars are used as a symbol for night and so the light "withers" (shrivels, wilts, fades) "under further scrutiny" (after being looked at more closely) by the night. It gets colder at night basically
I hope that helps
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One of your bests pieces that i've read (admitingly not many but) I agree this october is oddly cold for england i dread to think what december will be like and i'm supposed to be in the warmest part of the country during winter lol. I liked the context in this and the imagery is really strong a excellent poem, possibly a lil more punctuation could make this even more effective other than that good luck
best wishes Seraph
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I know, December's gonna be like -20!!!
Thank you
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best prose piece i have read from you perhaps.
its consistent, each stanza holds it's own weight,
and again i appreciate the layout of the wording, particularly on the lonesome spaced while.
i actually liked your title a lot too, profound miranda july kind of title.
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Haha, cool, I'm glad you liked it
Would explaining the title, take away its goodness?
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this is sooo good. i love bits that reference the sun & stars.
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wow, thank you
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I think this ranks in one of your better free-verses. Nothing more to add to that
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Shit, wasn't expecting that =/
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what were you expecting?
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I don't think it's up to much myself...
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it is. nature is your strongest point and it's reflected here
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Guh, the stuff I like, you don't, the stuff I don't, you like!
Typical really
Adios x -
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lol
x
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