there’s a space in a house
where all is furnished,
purple drapes, quilts, warmth
in life, throbbing slowly
everything so perfect as if the rooms were
still occupied –
a room like a frozen minute
glad-wrapped and sealed in a fridge.
there’s a place in a house
that hibernates, while for all else
it’s midsummer.
I went in this place
walking into a new timeframe;
expecting her to look up from the still
tousled bed sheets.
like hanging dew drops, held piano notes
a delicate portrait of what had been
and was being, still.
there’s a sanctuary in a home
a boulder on the crest of the hill,
balanced. Caught in this held breath
are the fruits of this teenaged branch
off the family tree. Symbol;
books just peering out of rosewood cabinets
let be just the same since she left
that last day.
stilled.
there’s a breath in a voice
sustained like icicles
waiting to fall, but waiting
forever, an extended echo totally internally reflected
back and forth and back and forth…
there’s a space in a house
in stasis, to hold a memory
the long low flute whistle not yet blown,
the butterfly in its cocoon
not yet awoken.
there to wait for a person to come home,
still.
Author notes
kind of a look into a year from now - when we, the children of our parents, are gone overseas to universities round the world, and our families have nothing but memories, a far off telephone call, and a room left exactly the way it was, to remember us by.
Written January 29th, 2004
What did you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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a subtle mystery, poignant and true
This piece was somewhat mysterious to me as I read it. I interpreted it as a place in one's memory, a morning met perhaps with a lover, a return from a closet or a bathroom, a kitchen, the front door, to find someone waiting still in bed, smiling. Words and phrases like "glad-wrapped and sealed", "hibernates", "hanging dewdrops, held piano keys", "caught in this held breath", "extended echo", and "the butterfly in its cocoon" really brought poignant and picturesque meaning to the words. I truly appreciate the form and rhythm here, so soft and easy and beautiful. The repetition of the word "still" was wonderful as well. An instant classic. I may, if you don't mind, forward this to my English teacher; I know he would enjoy it. Well done, my friend.
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this is awsome
this is a realy sentual and moving poem i really see the immagey in this its like your waiting for a loved one that had dissapeared and or vacated and the house feels empty and mabe a part of your soul as well great message awsome
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This is so beautiful!
It is really well written.
It makes you, as the reader, really consider what is being said,
Like looking at it and how it relates to each reader differently.
This poem is fantastic and it is really hard to pause reading it in the middle.
Good job!!!!
This was written a while ago, but you should really consider putting it is a community contest or something. They are a lot of fun and you can win some pretty snazzy stuff for your poems!
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it seems to me that each of the verses here could stand on it's own. Collectively, they work as a the pulse frozen in time as in the first verse.
Interesting...
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This is beautiful - hauntingly beautiful... the wording is very fitting and the descriptions and imagery are just stunning... I don't think that I could find anything specific to criticise in this piece - although sometimes the flow does seem a little awkward... all in all I really enjoyed this poem
Keep writing
Polly
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I too like the picture this poem painted. It started off impersonal and material, growing into more relational. Then it progressed to personal into interaction of other's lives. Only to bring us to a point of waiting for a return of the interaction of life in this place...still. Great write!
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this is beautiful, i really liek the lines
"like hanging dew drops, held piano notes
a delicate portrait of what had been
and was being, still."
~~Breath taking.
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wow
ur good at it so calm but still seet things flying... -
I just want to thank you for sharing your delightful words with me and allowing the opportunity to savor each one. Thanks for sharing and best wishes in all of your endeavors. Keep that pen handy and ever ready for use dear poet.
♥ Touchof1der -
Very nice
I think it's very nice, not exactly my style. But very nice, nonetheless.
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Rule one of poetry: Decide whether you actually have something to say.
Rule two of poetry: Say it. All of it. No more, no less.
Rule three of poetry: Say it as beautifully as you can.
Rule four of poetry: Only then worry about length, form, rhyme, or anything else.
What you have to ask yourself about this poem is not whether it would work at half the length, but whether you have fulfilled rules 1 to 3 inclusive. if you have, and you are satisfied, and you have made a work of art you from which you yourself would get pleasure, then leave well alone.
I love the way you have phrased this poem, the images, the emotions it evokes. Very mature writing for someone so young.
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That's certainly true. I like to think, though, that poetry like art focusses on simple, fewer, images. Like...the melody in music, whereas prose and narrative is about the passing notes and cadences and phrasing. This poem feels like it goes round in circles, when really, it ought to be as "still" as its subject
But thanks for the lovely comment! I'm glad you do like the images and emotions. -
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Never think of poetry and prose by those narrow definitions. Both should say exactly what they want to say, and say it in the most arresting manner.
If I had thought your poem was too long, I would have said so.
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I liked some of the images, interesting and creative. I especially liked, the line: a room like a frozen minute, very nice. Glad wrapping it might be overkill though, I think the image is strong enough to stand alone. But hey, its your poem. Strong metaphors, a touch of sweetness. Nice
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Thanks for the comment. Yeah, I agree; I could cut half the poem and I doubt theme or meaning would be affected. I'll see if I can rework it sometime soon... some of this old stuff of mine hurts the eye.
And I have a problem with the frequent enjambment. ...what was I thinking? But yeah, thanks for the comment; I'd return the favour but you don't seem to have anything up at the moment.
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Awesome depiction of time!
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