Stars in the night
So faint by my sight
Muffled by the haze of urban sprawl
But Orion still stands tall
above the city lights
Beckoning my mind to travel
To trace his arrows flight
.
What did you think
Comments
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Hey, Matt
Nice to see you back!
I think certain changes regarding sounds will help this a lot. The rhythm seems to be off in several places and often it's just a consonant sound that doesn't fit. Sometimes you actually need to drop a syllable.
These are my suggestions:
Stars in the night
So faint by my sight
Delete "So" and change 'by' to 'in'
Muffled by the haze of urban sprawl (love this line)
But Orion still stands tall
above the city lights
Delete "But", 'still' and 'the'
Beckoning my mind to travel
To trace his arrows flight
Change "Beckoning" to "And beckons"
Change "To" to "And"
Often, even though the word should be given no emphasis and almost skipped over (like skipping across rocks in a stream - quick and light), the hard sound of its beginning consonant automatically gives it more importance than it deserves. So even though the syllable count doesn't change, the rhythm is impacted anyway.
For what it's worth. Good to have you back.
celtic queen
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