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Dream

~~~





My pen

has long since

slipped

from hand to floor.



I long to dance;

and within your eyes dance

too long.






~~~

Author notes

~~~20 words

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 24 of 24

  • BearWoman gold member
    June 16
    Edit | Reply
    Wow! Powerful impact in your 20 words. Nice write!


    • paulcreates silver member
      June 16

      Edit | Reply
      I'd almost forgotten about this one Misha. Actually it needed editing in two places. Funny how I don't see errors until long after sometimes. Thanks for stopping by to read and comment.


  • storiesuntold gold member
    November 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Lovely piece

    For to capture a moment of bliss it so resides in the heart and mind a lifetime


  • Cynthia Gaines gold member
    November 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    A Masterpiece!!!

    Excellent take on the prompt!!! Thank you for sharing your muse's talents with all of us!! Peace always, Cyn

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    October 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I would remove one of the dances, otherwise nicely done.

    • paulcreates silver member
      November 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Honestly, Melissa, I've read this over a couple of times and I think it reads better with the second 'dance' kept in there. Most of the time I adhere to advice given but not this time.

      Paul


    • paulcreates silver member
      October 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you Melissa.
      Paul


  • February Moon gold member
    October 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Beautifully written.

  • Rowan gold member
    October 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Lovely choice of words~ dance away.


  • WolfHeart
    October 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow! Absolutely moving. I cannot believe what you did with these 20 words.
    I like this part especially, "My pen

    long since

    slips

    from hand to floor."
    Superb poetry.


    • paulcreates silver member
      October 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you Wolfheart. I thought maybe you'd use a word like 'yummy'.
      Paul


  • thepoetssoul
    October 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A most wonderful creation indeed.
    To dream and to dream to long BRILLIANT
    Exellent penning good luck to you.

    Tony


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    October 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Stunning! Love the word play with 'long' in here!


  • thejollytinker
    October 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Sweet music, that! Those that touch us so deep we moan- that's what I took from it. Then again, I can be melodramatic- Great stuff...


    • paulcreates silver member
      October 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Yes, that was the feeling I was going for. Thank you.
      Paul


  • Nicolette gold member
    October 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This is lovely..loved how you applied long and longing here. Well done.

    ~ Nicolette

    • paulcreates silver member
      October 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you Nicolette. I changed the middle of it, then changed it back. Sometimes messing with a poem doesn't necessarily pay off.
      Paul


  • Kiddy
    October 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    It's lovely...

    Much Love
    Kiddy

1 - 24 of 24