tiled
you should have known
all wasn't well
when the bridge caught fire
and still
I didn't look back
at the fleshy mess
left behind
like a pile of naked forearms
with fingers crossed
and bony wrists
I thought
you had opened the gate
to foresight
where we could live
in a precious
state of confusion,
inside
your plastic mind
lay hundreds of bookshelves
each pulled
when you can't quite remember
how to do it right
or what to say
sometimes forgetting
to even
look me in the eyes
and I know
I'm strong because I manage
my mind
while life flickers
all around me
but you
can't even commit to time;
how are my priorities
distant gunshots
when you know I leave the light on
and seldom sleep
with the night
looming like faces outside
my cold window
but I'm grateful for your indifference
it has built me
into a temple of triangular eyes
with my perception
heightened
towards everything around
I know when
your tongue slips
out the corner of your mouth
snake-like and
pink
you are lying,
your sharpened cheeks
now making me sick
when all I wanted
was every square of your
pathetic being
Author notes
"I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.”
- Jack Kerouac
A contest entry
- You have two choices. by Never Fall in Love.
750 points, ended November 11, 2008, 14 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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i quite liked the first two stanzas,
but felt the last two were overkill
a pretty piece nonetheless
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This is strong as usual. There are certain part I loved like:
"your plastic mind
lay hundreds of bookshelves
each pulled
when you can't quite remember
how to do it right
or what to say
sometimes forgetting
to even
look me in the eyes"
- admittingly enough it sounds very much like me. And then the plastic mind has been said before.
There are more areas, but I'll probably be filling up pages ofwhat I like and why I like so leets go on to another part.
"and I know
I'm strong because I manage
my mind
while life flickers
all around me"
- that needs some tightening up. It's like for a moment there you lost some emotion and not spilling anything anymore.
"how are my priorities
distant gunshots
when you know I leave the light on
and seldom sleep
with the night
looming like faces outside
my cold window"
- I broke the rule. I loved that part - again, reminds me very much of myself especially seeing what I do to get proper sleep.
"but I'm grateful for your indifference
it has built me
into a temple of triangular eyes
with my perception
heightened
towards everything around"
- I don't know why, but that doesn't sound good either.. It just felt stated instead of spilled.
The part that comes right after it is amazing though.
-
"like a pile of naked forearms
with fingers crossed
and bony wrists"
What a simile, JP...human anatomy references are so overdone, but damn...I love "fingers crossed".
"in a precious
state of confusion"
AHHHH!!! BRILLIANT!!
I'm speechless...
well okay, that's a lie.
'precious'...the use of it is so ironic, or maybe truthful...both...Like, the confusion is preferable to how things really are. :C
"but you
can't even commit to time;"
Uh, WOW.
Love the lack of commitment...ahhhhhhhh I am dying with your brilliance.
"I know when
your tongue slips
out the corner of your mouth
snake-like and
pink
you are lying
your sharpened cheeks
now make me sick
when all I wanted
was every square of your
pathetic being"
Absolutely beautiful in such a...bittersweet way, maybe even without the -sweet. Love "you are lying"; I often like contractions, but the separated "you are" form is awesome!!! Great use of 'sharpened'...it makes me smile with how brilliant you are and cringe at the things you describe..."when all I wanted"<==you've used this phrase before, but it's your streams of consciousness I LOVELOVELOVE
∞
Jessica
-
when you know I leave the light on
and seldom sleep
with the night
looming like faces outside
my cold window
This is precisely me. Best wishes with this.
-
It's true;
Your poetry never ceases to amaze me !
-
inside
your plastic mind
lay hundreds of bookshelves
each pulled
when you can't quite remember
how to do it right
or what to say ...
i do that . i mean i am/i have a zillion books , cd jackets , poetry , music around at all times in case i need to say or do something and i forgot how ... i love this piece!!! and i loved the inspiration for it too!!!!
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Splendid!
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what a treat this is to read
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beautiful, no critique. the last stanza was my favorite, but i really loved the pile of naked forearms too. lovely.
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Well, we all know where the gold is going now don't we
Haha. Awesome imagery as always. What to say, what to say...
I disagree with the comment below. The start was perfect. You can't improve on perfection.
Actually, you probably could...
*cough* git *cough*
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oh wow oh wow this reaaally improved as it went a long!! Like i was reading and then oh my goodness oh my! This is very strong and powerful. It reads dangreously like you are about to be bitten by a snake.<3.
"and seldom sleep
with the night
looming like faces outside
my cold window"
That was scary. Like ahh.
The entire last stanza was so incredible. i was highlighting my favorite part of it to talk about it in here but then I highlighted the entire end. So yeah =P.
The triangle of eyes, the sharpened cheeks that make you sick. Like hoooly such powerful images. Absolutely fantastic. So biting.
♥
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Actually hatred isn't easy, it takes committment. lol.
Forgiveness is much harder, but doesn't make for deeply layered poetry like this.
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♥
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"with the night
looming like faces outside
my cold window"
love this...
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hatred is always easier.
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it really is, lol. thanks
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i LOVE this poem. all the imagery, everything. the last stanza was particularly strong. amazing stuff jp.
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oh ouch, jp. this leaves a sting . in a good way, of course
meghie
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