Restrained calamity boasts above silent fury.
Bolted from outside in.
Raving from inside doubt.
A busy street looks well painted red pine.
Minutes pound days strangled.
Sunlight thrills wicked somber.
File into skyscrapers.
Jagged became clouds of intuition.
Story for the dead, coffin of my life.
Exploiting all failures.
Windows tinted in abasement.
On the other side?
I wonder...
Author notes
I wanted to capture the thoughts of one contemplating leaping to their death.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I love the way you start this poem
"Restrained calamity boasts above silent fury."
It lets the reader feel what you are writing about and there is enough imagery to set the scene for the rest of the poem. I love the way you write "silent fury" it is gentle and serene. Then the poem starts to get more intense which is great because you give the reader something gentle in the first line then lead on to something more harsh and powerful. You imagery writes the poem.
I love the way you described
"A busy street looks well painted red pine."
It is like something you would read in a book. You give the reader thoughts and ideas to chew on like a well cooked meal. You present this poem with just the right ingredients. Your words are very stylised and your work is wonderful.
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O wow! Your words are a change of comment pace.
I'm so happy someone finally got it first time around. I guess this write aims at a particularly perceptive audience. 
I appreciate your encouragement so much! 
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I sure had a hard time following at first, before I read your author notes. I think you should work on the flow of the poem, it would help the lines connecting too each other.
The content of the poem is great! It got me thinking for a few minutes.
Good write! Keep it up! -
I love the abstract imagery in this, and your diction really brings it to life. I love how the last line trails away in thought.
I think you succeeded in setting the frame of mind for someone contemplating death, but it could be death by any means. I don't see much of the leaping part. -
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Thank you so much!
I tried to target focus on jumpers in specific with these lines...
'A busy street looks well painted red pine.'
'File into skyscrapers.'
'Windows tinted in abasement. '
Death by any means? I thought I did a good job of relating this solely to suicide victims. I have that info. in the poem description.
Perhaps a title change would help any confusion. However, in the title, when you add the numbers in pairs, it's Employee Number 666.
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Sorry, I meant death by any means as they choose, which yes is suicide. And I got the leaping suicide with 'File into skyscrapers' and 'Windows tinted in abasement', but I missed the other.
Cute, with the title. =D
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upon first reading it seemed very stuccatto, hard to follow. with the note, it makes more sense.
"Bolted from outside in.
Raving from inside doubt"
love this. violates expecations, draws attention... very clever.
if i were to make any changes, i would try to make it flow better. it reads a bit like a bunch of unrelated statements lined up in a row. try to make it more of a coherent scene... -
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Much Appreciated!
I understand what you mean but the poem reads randomly due to my deciding that the thoughts of one on the brink of suicide would be illogically scattered.
I'm an aspiring actress, so I have a habit of taking my readers into the characters mindset rather than simply telling a story. Sorry. Thank you for reading.
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