Flow beneath the surface
between crevices of rocks,
when clouds do not deliver
They support life
Preserving flora and fauna
Earth collects copious water,
from run away flows
through falling rain,
fill its tiny spaces
save a drop for a non rainy day.
Men’s needs turning into greed,
people unaware of their deposits
squeezed them beyond their capacity,
what is depleted,
fell short of replenishment
With levels falling
Year after year.
When barren clouds
float in the sky,
rivers on earth run dry
people relied on aquifers
that gave them
life sustaining source,
when it fails them
habitants desert their places
live stock notwithstanding .
Author notes
*POM Contest*
Aquifers are undergrund water bearing formations that sustain life in arid areas as rivers are seasonal and rain fall scanty
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - by Bear - by Arkbear.
2000 points, ended November 1, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Hi, and welcome to the POM
I must agree with the other judges that this work leans heavily toward prose..but I found it very interesting in content.
Again, I find it hard to follow your thoughts until I have mentally added or subtracted capitalizations and punctuation, which seems to fall haphazdardly throughout the write.
You have not made the mistake that some people do who write about 'something they know', and assumed that everyone else knows also. Your descriptions and visuals were 'eye level', so that anyone could understand them.
A bit more 'poetry' in your write would certainly send your scores upward.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest.
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented. -
Hey and welcome to the POM!
I agree with Bear, this has an almost prose-y sound to it and the flow comes off as very choppy to me. The grammar is a huge issue, you may want to take a refresher course on it, as it can be very important to how the poem turns out. It was interesting.
Good luck and remember, no editing once a judge has commented. -
Welcome to the POM!
So nice to see you again
First impression....your write reads almost prose'....as you have lengthened your lines considerably, and your Poetic Tone is shaken by this move on your part ~
*do not deliver......PERIOD ~
*They support life....COMMA....preserving flora and fauna.....PERIOD ~
*run-away-flows*....PERIOD ~
Through falling rain, TINY SPACES ARE FILLED ( ; ) ....tiny drops are saved for a non-rainy day ~
*unaware of their deposits, squezzing them beyond their capacity ( ; ) what is depleted, falls short of replenishment ~
Levels fall, year after year ~
When barren clouds float in the sky.... ( take off *when* )
Barren clouds float in the sky.....COMMA.....rivers on earth run dry.....PERIOD ~
People rely on aquifers to give them life-sustaining source ~
This S* is getting to read prose'......be careful here, as you want to end with POWER and IMPACT ~
When it fails them.....COMMA....habitants desert their paves of reside,
( live stock ) = livestock..>>>
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/livestock
.....not, withstanding ~
OK.....lots of grammatical areas of concern, but such a lovely write......along the same theme as you had last week with the *stalagtites....etc*
I think this is along the lines of informative read, and you have forgotten to keep your Tone, in Poetic Tone*
Over-all....nice job.....thank you for coming out to support this POM!
God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 6.85...I would not click on this Title, unless I wanted to read about this genre -
Flow 8.4....need some punc. corrections and sentence re-alignmenet -
Depth 9.8..lots of depth...very nice -
Theme 7.2...Nicely chosen...but have seen your other thoughts similiar to this....looking for a bit more creativity -
Feelings 5.5....I am looking for more engagement with your subject, as this reads more informative, rather than poetic......to me -
Grammar 9.0....pretty stright-forward write -
Presentation 8.4...Para#'s neeed some breaking up and editing for better Flow and appearance -
Uncommonness 9.1...seen similiar writes as this, like your one last week -
Sit & Ponder Affect 7.9...I did ponder, but only because of the info given -
Ability to follow Rules 10! -
Bears Score: 82.15
Not bad
Break out your Creative Quill!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
However,
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this is done in a hurry to enter somehow. I ran out of creative themes, so came up with what I am familiar with. I am Hydrologist by professin and familiar with groundwaer.
I did smell prose after finishing the poem. I wanted to get sincere feed back, I did get it. Thank you.
Looking forward to next weeks contest
Venu Gopal -
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I am always thrilled to see your writes.....you always give us lots of Informative pieces.....so I challenge you to be creative and show me the other side to your talent November 6th for the POW!
You still have a good score here....only 11 others are above yours......no, you will not win, but your efforts are what I consider most valuable.....Bless you,
Bear ~
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A theme I've not seen before.....nice job!
So true - nature does provide for arid times/places, but men's greed destroys what is freely available.
I really like the following:
'When barren clouds
float in the sky,
rivers on earth run dry' - great image.
best wishes in the contest.
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I relish your comments, thank you
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such a sad truth
the earth is our home it has given all to us with grace, it works in harmony but we do not, we tend to take much more then we give and deplete our earthly home
wonderful write my friend
Men's need turning into greed
people uaware of their deposits
squeezed them beyond their capacity
well said
incredible needed write
God bless you my friend...
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thank you so much
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