Conveyor belts caress
enticements of ecstasy,
as vats containing melted chocolate
dance and pulsate
into preformed shapes.
All around, air is saturated
with heavenly smells,
as creative concoctions
glaze eyes of on-lookers.
Mile after mile of dreams
rush by in non-stop action,
some are sprinkled with stardust
of confetti-colored clouds.
Side belt-ways screech
as machinery malfunctions,
peanut butter, raisins and almonds
dump into frenzied formations;
cococut cascades into confections,
delicious delicacies delight the senses.
Final destinations reached,
as all is wrapped in glorious colors,
boxed in perfection
only to be torn apart
by consumers,
who greedily gobble
everything in sight.
Author notes
POM contest entry
Theme: inside a plant that makes candy
Just thoughts of someone watching candy being made - I think I'd probably get a sugar high just from watching....lol
edited:
11.1.08 - still editing. - not done yet....lol
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - by Bear - by Arkbear.
2000 points, ended November 1, 2008, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Sweeet work of poetry my friend. You deserved the gold for this one!!
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Thank you so much 'Pat...' for such a lovely comment...- I'm pleased you 'enjoyed' this one.....
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me too. I once worked in a produce factory, sorting tomatoes, mainly, on conveyor belts that move at a fantastic speed... but rotten tomatoes smell horrendous. lol. I volunteered for the pallet job
of unloading because at least I got in shape.
Every factory job, be it chocolate or machinery would get too mundane after awhile. I loved the way you went though... congratulations!
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Thank you so much 'Rowan' - glad you enjoyed this.
yes, I would think after a bit the smell of anything would bother one - pizza, chocolate, tomatoes - whatever...lol
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Awesome write here
I could almost smell and taste this candy oh my it made me hungrey
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Thank you 'stories' - glad you enjoyed.
I'm glad I don't live close to a place like that!....lol.....it's bad enough living near a cider mill with a bakery shop inside - ooh, those daily fresh donuts!...yummy!
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Wow, this is cool. I really need to put my brain to pedal I guess. hmmmmm, well thanks for sharing and giving a good example and congrdulations.
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Thank you so much 'Kappa' for such a lovely comment. I appreciate it.
There are spots in this that need some work - I was so excited, though, as it was my lst Gold in a POM - took me a year to get past the Bronze's and Silvers....lolol
best wishes
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beautiful piece!
lacks a speaker, more of a narration, which is okay but limits the power of expression.
some fun alliterations, and the only one I found too much was 'delicious delicacies delight'... though cant explain why really
@ 'glazed eyes' = first introduction of a person. Perhaps make that the reader or speaker?-> 'glazed chocolate, -
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Thank you 'Kevin' - glad you enjoyed.
Now that this is free of the confines of contest rules - I do plan on editing. Thank you for your suggestions. The 'delicious.....' phrase was thrown in at the last second, and is one of the main parts that will be edited....
again, thank you very much!
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Amazing
I hunger for the sweetness you have ticked my tastebuds
No wonder you took Gold in this one hun
Love it all
Best wishes
Julie xx
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Thank you Julie - I'm pleased you enjoyed this.
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This poem was far to fattening to be healthy but heck who cares it certainly stimulated the taste buds Excellent i can see why it collected a gold
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thank you 'Legend' - glad you enjoyed.
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Congrats Jan!!!
Way to go...and if they didn't put all the blasted soy into chocolates...I could enjoy them too...now I have to go make fudge!!!
Great write!
VERY lasting impression...lol
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Thank you 'islekine' - glad you enjoyed (the images at least...lol)...
I use cocoa instead of chocolate when I make fudge - I just like the taste better.
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Congratulations, aboomer! love the imagery, beautifully done!
Alex.
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Thank you so much Alex - glad you enjoyed.
(took me over a year to FINALLY get a Gold in a POM!!!!
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I thought your poem could use a few more of the little yellow guys
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Thank you Bear - I appreciate it..
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Very good...amazing write! I really love this poem.Strong and powerful Excellent Very excellent!
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Thank you 'Mickie27' - glad you enjoyed.
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Woo Hoo I am so proud love yeah
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oh wow!! First Gold in a POM!!!!
thanks Starz!
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This is deliscious!!! I ate more candy this week than I have in the entire year!LOL! Candy makers must be so happy right now...as I am sure many dentists will be in the months ahead! Sweet business this all is. Loved the poem...very creative...interesting topic!
Az
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Thanks Az!
I didn't get any candy!
.....but now, of course, I can go buy lots half-price!...lololol...
glad you enjoyed.
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NO CANDY!!!
What kind of crime against humanity is this??? I want you to buy up that half price candy and have a candy free for all!!! I had my candy for the year...lol...now just looking forward to next Halloween!
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It was awful!....LOLOL.....I wasn't up to going to a store and getting myself some candy!
yeah, I'm hoping to get out and go get some!!!...
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Hi, and welcome to the POM
I found this to be a very imaginative and original topic. You have portrayed the whole idea with great imagery and delightful phrasing, with the exception of stanza 4. IMO, the last two lines there depleted the beauty of this write, and were not necessary to the whole.
I love your 'wind-up'...bringing us back to the reality of gluttony after that fairy-land trip through the production phase.
One of my favorites in this contest. Well done!
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest.
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented.
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Thank you Neon - glad you enjoyed.
Had a 'sugar high' from eating so much of that CRAP candy corn!!!...lol....so added the 'extra' for impact and laugh - will delete that....thanks.
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Ahhh, it's the perfect poem for Halloween!
Welcome to the POM by the way, lol. I enjoyed this, especially considering how much of a sugar junkie I can be at times.
Best of luck to you and remember, no editing once a judge has commented! -
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Thank you so much 'x--Atelophobia--x'. Glad you enjoyed this.
Holidays are a very bad time for us 'sugar junkies'....lol....I tell my husband NOT to bring me home anymore 'crap' candy as I gobble the whole bag, and then feel sick...lol..
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Excellent theme, so where can I get crap candy from...lol. Love how you approached this, superbly penned. Good luck
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Thank you LadyD - glad you enjoyed.
have you even bitten into a lucious chocolate candy bar, only to discover it is stale? Definitely....CRAP!!!.....lolol
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This is amazingly written very beautifuly done good luck in the pom
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Thank you so much for reading 'Entwining Beauty' and for your lovely comment. I appreciate it, and am pleased you enjoyed this.
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I'm in heaven!!
Gosh I love candy and chocolate!!!
This is such a brill write!!
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Thank you kiwi - glad you enjoyed
yeah, if I had more lines available I would have thrown in the carmel, coconut and a few other goodies....lol
(I don't care for raisins in choc., though - would rather have a combo of choc., carmel, and coconut....yum, yum!!!
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Well you already know that I love this it held my attention and made me want chocolate thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest best wishes always be well
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Thank you Starz - glad you enjoyed.
yeah, eating chocolate relaxes shattered nerves, I think....lol
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Welcome to the POM Boom!
First impression....your Title made me think.....what???
Next....your first S* sets the Tone for this brilliant Theme.....very impressed ~
*Areas of air*.....not as poetic folowing your great 1st S*
*star dust*......stardust..>>>>
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/stardust
*dump into *the* frenzied formations.......take away ( the ) -
CRAP.....hmmm....not suggested as poetic Tone.....but it works....itsy bitsy deduction, as I believe you could have left that out and kept the Reader walking alongside your same thoughts ~
Final destination reached.....COMMA........
*by consumers ( who ) greedily gobble.......*who* is already established when you say *consumers*
Over-all....I find this to be in the top few highest scoring entries......my opinion of course.....you have another Judge coming behind me.....please, no editing after a Judge has touched your work ~
I enjoyed this Theme very much.....a freshness to the contest.....creativity at a high-point in the Challenge.....nicely done
God bless you,
Bear ~
Title 9.95...I would click on this Title...had me guessing -
Flow 9.4....I am impressed by your ability to keep movement in your words...punc.'s are used accordingly -
Depth 9.8....mmm...lots of depth...very nice -
Theme 9.9...Nicely chosen -
Feelings 9.0....I was engaged in your thoughts, visions and journey -
Grammar 9.85....lovely & affective -
Presentation 9.4...usually not a fan of long lines.....but your Tone slows me down to allow me to grab another short breath to finish each S* -
Uncommonness 9.85...unique -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.6...I did ponder -
Ability to follow Rules 10...-
Bears Score: 96.75
Best score from me in this POM......so far
Good luck!
No editing until after contest closes ~
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Thank you so much Bear for such a nice critique - I haven't written for one of these PO's in many months, and I feel quite 'rusty' and out of sync - even forgot and used too many filler words for me....lol
'areas of air' - I will have to think on rewording that, it could be much better...you're right!
Thank you again.
blessings
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This is a very interesting poem. It was funny at points too. The theme is very creative to me. Plus anything about candy make me happy. LOL I enjoyed the read!!!
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Thank you 'DavidTennantRocks' for reading and your lovely comment. I am pleased you enjoyed this, and I'm glad it gave you a smile.
best wishes
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this is an excellent excellent theme.. I really love this one that you came up with. I do have a question however. I keep reading the last stanza over & over again.. for some reason the 3rd lines doesn't make sense to me.. I'm not entirely sure if the word "is" is the one that you should use.. try reading it again.. If could just be me..
You did an brilliant job with this..
good luck
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Thank you kat - glad you enjoyed.
I am working on the last stanza - have edited twice....lol....still 'playing' with it.
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Aw...pure luxury My idea of heaven...Good luck in the contest
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Thank you 'cutiepie' - glad you enjoyed.
I think maybe a week of so of a job making candy would be fun - then I would imagine I would never want candy again
....lol
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