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the start of us

do you remember the time
when we first met
you looked at me
and i looked at you
your fingers reached out
caressing my cheek
tucking my hair
behind my ears
your words "you're beautiful"
they caused me to blush
i mumbled a reply
lending  my head on your chest

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    November 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    How beautiful. I love it that you played with the suggestions here. Thank you. ~Pamela


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    November 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I know this moment...
    Truly one that lives and when the memory begins, the blush races through neck to cheeks...

    Beginning are beautiful.

    Couple of technical things in this: "your beautiful" should be "you're beautiful"
    and lent should be leaned.

    or I mumbled a reply, lending my head to your chest.

    which I almost like better.
    Line one "that time" would be more effective as "the time"
    Line two also should be "met" instead of "meet."

    I might have preferred a bit of punctuation in this poem, however the lack of it completely with the exception of "you're beautiful" really works well here and emphasizes the moment brilliantly. I applaud the effectiveness of this technique and will have to explore its use some myself, if you don't mind.

    In NOT using standard punctuation, you have actually used it wisely. Well done and kudos to you for this.

    The lack of line spacing as well is brilliant as it makes the memory increase in momentum, like a rising blush. Very very effective.

    Thank you for entering this delight. I am allowing edits for a few days before judging and I will be back to this one.

    I am so pleased to see this beauty in my contest. Thank you. ~Pamela


    • solitarytear
      November 2, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      wow

      i am speechless as to what to say.....thank you for the chances to edit and the help you gave......i am honored that you enjoyed my poem so much and as for the form of poetry used its my own technique.......i'm not one for being placed in a catertory......i've mostly always writen like this......its my style.....and anyone can use it......i dont own it just draw on it for myself when it comes to writing......i have edited it as you requested.....but onces again thank you for your help, kind words and your praises......